Should I cancel my adoption?

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So I’m finding out that I have a pretty interesting relationship with anxiety.

Before coronavirus and now probably even moreso now with the quarantine, I’ve been wanting a puppy. However my landlord said no puppies originally. Once we got told to work from home, my landlord said it’d be okay to get a puppy since I’d be home all day and it’d be less likely to be destructive and have accidents. I was thrilled and started searching.

I ended up finding a rescue 2 hrs away that had rescued a husky mix momma and a litter at around 3 days. Long short is the pups have been with mom since day 1 and with the rest of the litter as well and the rescue seems to do quite a bit in terms of socializing the puppies with new people etc.

Fast forward and I get approval for a puppy and am pretty stoked as that’s what I’ve been wanting for a while. I live in a house with a large enough yard for at least some casual games of fetch/running around, and will be working from home until October. I am pretty active and can most likely keep up with the exercise needs of an active breed.

However. My anxiety has been pretty bad in these last couple days. I have a pretty decent knot in my stomach, my mouth has been dry, I’m not sleeping very well, things I normally find joy in are not very fun cause I’m just thinking about this puppy and all the stress it’s going to cause me, I’m hungry but I’m not eating much. When I finally get to sleep I wake up around 2 and don’t go back to sleep for at least an hour. It’s making me a bit exhausted. And this is WITHOUT the puppy even here. I’m having trouble focusing on work too because all my thoughts are around if I should cancel this adoption or not.

While the idea of owning a dog is something I’ve had in my head a long time, suddenly the reality of having to deal with all the hurdles of a puppy and dog are becoming overwhelming. What if it doesn’t like other dogs? What if it’s reactive? What if I can’t take it places? What if I can’t take it for runs to get its energy out because it’s reactive? How will I get through the puppy phase of limited sleep and constant exhaustion when my job requires critical thinking? I can’t really just show up and go through the motions.

On the other hand when I start thinking about what if I contact the rescue and explain to them all this anxiety I’m having, and that I don’t think I’m a good fit for the pup anymore—I do get sad or at least disappointed because I’m not sure I’d find a better time/rescue situation. I know next weekend I’d be sitting at home wondering why the hell I didn’t go through with it and on my way to having a great adventure buddy.

I’m so fucking mixed up and it’s driving me nuts. Part of me wishes I had never even submitted an application so I could just have mental calmness again. But I know I’d still be searching for a puppy thinking it’s a good idea!

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