Why Was Colton Chosen As The Bachelor? An Investigation* Betches

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Tuesday morning, ABC announced that Colton Underwood will be the brand-new Bachelor. Yep. I haven’t even watched the three-hour Bachelor in Paradise episode, and ABC has already ruined my week. More importantly( kind of ), they’ve spoilt much of America’s week. All of which begs the question: Why does ABC detest their love? Paradise and Bachelorette viewers alike have made it clear that they are sick and tired of Colton. And after the outright hatred for Arie Luggage-Tag Jr ., I hoped merely a little that they’d learn from their mistakes. Then again, they did shed a Paradise contender with harassment charges after production was closed down last year over sexual misconduct allegations sooo…I was certainly expecting too much. Anyway, here are all of the( misguided) intellects ABC looked at their 700+ hours of existing Colton footage and speculated “yeah, we need a full season of this.” Ugh.

He’s Good On Paper

TBH if all I knew about Colton were a short bio and a headshot, I doubt I’d be pee-pee. He’s a hot former NFL player. There’s a charity reputation after him, for sick children , no less. He dated Olympic athlete Aly Raisman for two years( a catch way out of Bachelor Nation league ), and to surface it all off, he’s a innocent. It all seems like that they are able to set the stage for a decently entertaining season–if we’d ever seen him on Tv before.

Sadly, we have realized him on TV–plenty. We know ABC can’t get Aly Raisman to appear on breeze( or address the virginity demands ). Colton has discussed his virginity on Tv with both parents( ew ), and nervously questioned Chris Harrison about “expectations” in the fantasy suite. We’ve checked him fall in love with, and say tearful goodbyes to, more than one Tv lover. We’ve even experienced the kids at the Colton Underwood Legacy Foundation. And you know what? NONE OF IT WAS THAT GREAT. More importantly , nothing of it made up for the fact that Colton is neither a great person nor a really interesting one.

My face whenever I think about Colton :

We’re Invested In His Journey

Honestly, sometimes it seems like one farmer at ABC came up with the whole Colton scheme years ago and the entire system has just refused to change course , no matter how bad responses get. First we have Tia, spurned firstly by Arie and then by ABC. Then we have Becca, humbled first by Arie and then by ABC. Enter Colton: the handsome innocent here to snap these two vulnerable dames apart. Again, it genuinely SOUNDS like good TV–until it’s not.

Here’s the thing: even before I started tracking the Tia sillines, I never imagined Colton was that into Becca. All the direction up until hometowns, I felt like cringing every time Becca announced him for a one-on-one, or spurted that he was telling her exactly what she wanted to hear. Colton was so much more attractive and little enthusiastic than every other contestant, and the whole situation precisely reeked of a former nerd who lastly got the quarterback’s courtesy. One of the reasons why the “Colton’s Breakdown” episode of Paradise was so startling was because I genuinely never believed he had senses for Becca.( I necessitate, maybe he still didn’t. Maybe ABC told him his papa had a heart attack and then reached chronicle. Would “youve been” employ it past them ?)

Next up, we have Colton and Tia’s “relationship, ” which I am definitely not alone in find action. There’s been more than enough written about it already, so I’ll just say this. Every season I identify a girl fall for Colton on Tv, I want to shake her by the shoulders and call “HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU! RUN! ” So, yeah. I’m not really looking forward to watching Colton mumble and fake-smile at even more women who feel sanctified only to be in his( highly indifferent) presence.

His Virginity Makes Him Compelling

This is possibly my greatest panic for a Colton-as-Bachelor season. Like I said, we’ve already exploited his virginity–a LOT. The only kindness ABC did us was having Becca cut him before he actually went to the Fantasy Suite. And now, they’re going to have an entire chapter devoted to Colton( maybe !) losing his chastity to( perhaps !) up to three women in as many nights. I will say, the stakes for who gets the first appointment here have never been higher. And those morning-after interrogations will definitely have a different feeling from, say, Raven bragging that Nick Viall really knows his route around an orgasm. But even beyond the horrendous potential of innocent Fantasy Suites, let’s break down why this idea is so dumb.

For one, I have a distinctly hard time believing that Colton is, in fact, still a virgin. Since he announced his chastity to a very large national audience, I am certain that dames across the globe ought to have SAVAGING his DMs with very, real thirsty offers to handle that problem for him. Of trend, our very prestigious Bachelor would never go for someone who only slithers into his DMs like that…oh wait, hi Tia. Even if Colton hasn’t swiped his V-card with one of the million eager voluntaries, the fact that he’s basically auctioning it off on tv detracts simply a mane from the “authenticity” I reckon ABC is hoping for here. There’s only a difference between saving it for the “right person” and saving it for the “person who will maximize my Instagram pay rate if we couple up.”

Oh well. Perhaps the real lesson here is that I simply need to give up on The Bachelor. Maybe I’m eventually too contemptuous for ABC’s game. I signify, they’ve had Colton posting nothing but puppies on his Instagram for the past month, and even that isn’t sufficient to get me rooting for him. Frankly, I’d rather watch a Tv show that’s exactly Tia watching Colton’s season at home and announcing softly into her pillow. I merely hope Bekah stays active enough on social media to tell us exactly how many of his contestants Colton has DM’ed in the past six months. This is 2018, and f* ckboys don’t change: they are only get a national audience.

Portraits: Giphy( 3 )

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