‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Tom Sandoval Has Gone Full Psychopath

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All right, you declines, we’ve obliged it to another. Last-place week’s escapade proved what we already knew: Khloe Kardashian is pregnant Jax chiselled on Brittany with Faith.

This week opens with a hungover spa daylight with Stassi and Brittany. Get on a couple’s spa day with your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend: exclusively on.

Stassi : I’m not gonna tell you you can’t get back together with Jax, but you can’t get back together with Jax.

Jax, Sandoval and … James ??? WTF ??? are at a saloon during the day with a bartender who kind of appears suspiciously like Shay. That’s weird. I care I grabbed a screenshot in time, but I didn’t, so hopefully soul out there concluded the same thing.

Jax tells Tom and James that he and Brittany had hate fornication. Meanwhile Tom and Ariana haven’t had sexuality in like, 2 month. Damn, is precisely what the future holds for me if I get into a relationship?

* Cut to, James Kennedy *: Is that what the future holds for me?

James and I are kindred spirits. Not sure how to feel about that.

Sandoval: I want to smell her. I want to see her look. I want to watch her orgasm.

I’m calling the police before Sandoval intent up on the word for wearing Ariana’s skin.

Schwartz shows up to Pump–or Sur, IDK anymore–to give Lisa and Ken buds and one singular Mylar balloon.

Schwartz : I just wanted to come in on behalf of both of us and apologize.

Also Schwartz: * Presents up alone*

Okay so Lisa is like “Ken and I are gonna finance this whole thought and all I need from the Toms is positivity and a good attitude.” Can I have a undertaking with Lisa? I’d like a few free handouts.

At the Bubbas’( I detest that I’m announcing them that, but whatever ), Katie is telling Tom that all the girls are mostly having a “Fuck Jax” party at Brittany’s. Also I’m still not over Katie’s parallelling bubblegum pink dress and lipstick. Katie needs new friends, because sidekicks don’t tell pals match their lipstick to their dress. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.

Tom Sandoval shows up and FRENCH KISSES THE DOG.

Hello, 911? Yes, I’d like to report an emergency.

Honestly , not much to report about this conversation except the same re-hashing about how Sandoval must be free to employed his dignity aside before he blows the best possibility these parties have ever had.

Cut to … Ariana has travelled full-on mare girl. So that’s fun. Too, am I the only being seeing that she has definitely gone botox? It’s not as pronounced as like, Scheana’s, but I’m still picking up on it.

Ariana takes a mild tumble off the pony, and she plays it up subsequentlies like she’s Christopher Reeve. Calm down, “its just not” that deep.

Ariana : Yeah, I bailed[ on the pony] but yeah, I’m gonna get right back on.

After the commercial end, Raquel shows up to Lisa’s puppy neighbourhood( IDK what this region is called, whatever ), and she’s wearing pants! Except she has like, her boobs out and is wearing a onesie with a built-in choker.* look palm* I entail I guess I can’t hate on Raquel for not knowing how to garment for a scheduled interview when none of the people on this substantiate have ever held a real task. Then again, Google dwells, so ???

James : Raquel plays with puppies when she gets anxious, I smoke gras. Tomayto tomahto.

Eh, relatable.

James is me, being like “I don’t actually drink that much anymore”* cut to* Champagne to the face, taking shots out of a jug glass.

Ariana is really trying to form her relationship with this fucking pony into a stunning storyline. “Walter and I precisely don’t have relied yet”–you’re says something about a domesticated animal whose errand is to let you sit on its back , not your boyfriend.

While watching Ariana’s race, Sandoval starts venting to Ariana’s brother about their lack of fornication life. WTF ??? If my sister’s lover( or brother’s girlfriend …) told me that they weren’t having sexuality with my sibling I are more likely to start orchestrating a breakup right there and then. Sandoval has become full psychopath.

Sandoval : I wouldn’t “feel like i m cheating on” Ariana, but like, could you accuse me if we haven’t had sex in a year if I go and have sex with someone else?

YES. Oh my deity, YES. That’s the whole fucking thing with monogamy. You want to marry this woman and you’re thinking of cheating after two months of no act? What about if she gets pregnant? Or sick? I dislike these parties. I’ve had yeast illness longer than Sandoval’s dry spell.

Ariana acquires and babies Walter and says, “I knew we did good.” Um, you just gonna act like you weren’t out here trash talking my homie Walter two seconds ago? I will not stand for this. I crave Walter to know he’s still got hitters out here.

Jax is upset that Brittany’s acquaintances are hurling her a “Fuck Jax” party.

Jax : Friends don’t do shit like this.

Okay but sidekicks also don’t fuck their friends’ lovers on their couch while their friends are asleep in the next chamber.

Honestly Jax is the worst kind of manipulator because he’s not even smart enough to be conscious of the fact that he’s manipulating. Brittany: You in danger, girl.

Peter builds his second appearance of the season, and who the hell is this regulation hottie behind the bar ?? I will be wasting the rest of my evening stalking this person in preparation of slithering into his DMs. Good lawd.

I can’t even concentrate on what the guy are saying because Peter is out here looking like a snack. Seem out Peter Kraus, there’s another snack-like Peter on actuality TV. Ok, nvm, I don’t know if he’s a full-on snack. But maybe like, an amuse-bouche? One hors-d’oeuvre?

I guess we’re just gonna exit background by background between the girls’ party and the guys’ jaunt. Stay with me here.

Schwartz : The daughters have established the ultimate Fuck Jax espionage team.

This pulsates the Vagina Mafia. This is fucking breathtaking. Coming soon to Betches: Which espionage member are you? I am Kristen. Kristen is me.

Whoever established all these graphics deserves an Emmy.

So the girls are still trying to see Witches of WeHo happen, which TBH I thought was just a nickname the person or persons on Reddit leaved them.

Stassi: We don’t wishes to suffer Jax in a physical room, we just want to introduced a spell on him.

I’m frankly disappointed because I was hoping Stassi would like, to continue efforts to wrap a dildo in acid and jostle it up his asshole. You know, simply absolutely building up two examples here.

Brittany: As a good Christian woman I wouldn’t be into the occult, but I anticipate after what Jax did to me, even Jesus himself would prepare that exception.

Oh yeah, that’s right there in Luke 17:38. “Thou shalt not rehearsal the occult unless thy lover chiselled on thee, in which subject it’s Gucci.”

Alright so at SUR, Lala shows up and Lisa does the James Kennedy “Laaalaaa” voice. For a depiction of what I’m talking about, listen to our podcast episode from last week.

Lala has shown up to ask for her enterprise back, because as she gives it, “I have a man, but my mortal is not just a ATM machine.” But he is a trader of Range Rovers, apparently, so you can see why we’re skeptical , no?

Lisa imparts her the number of jobs back. Again, you get in with Lisa Vanderpump one time and you are able like, assassinate one of her puppies and she’d still give you a chore back. Job security like that is invaluable in this current sell. I gotta move to LA.

At the guys’ dinner, the people hold Jax a chastity cock doughnut. I know this is a joke but honestly……that is a good idea.

At the girls’, Brittany is like “I don’t just knowing that I’m gonna do.” While Scheana is saying, “Whatever you decide we’ll supporter you, ” Ariana says “Is Jax telling you it was a one-time thing? Because it wasn’t.” Damn bitch, spoke the area.

Ariana : Jax is gonna do this thing where he’s like,’ Well what’s certain differences? Once, twice? Ten occasions? What’s the difference? ’

Hahahaha so true.

Brittany calls Jax on a three-way call attack, pretending that Faith is still in area while she announces Jax to confront him about him allegedly fucking Faith more than once.

Jax : What does it stuff if I did it two or three times? Two, three, four, 10 times–it doesn’t make a difference!

Wow Ariana is amazing. Perhaps I will give her that award.

Too Jax: I didn’t fucking do anything! SHUT UP !!!

Me :

So, I’m disorient. Is it “What’s the difference between once and 10 times” or “nothing happened”? Because you can’t have it both roads, Jax.

Jax is like “Brittany anticipates I fucked Faith more than once, can you believe that? ”

Everyone: Uh, yeah.

Jax is literally behaving like someone is expropriating him of his human rights by being told he can’t come back to his apartment for one fucking night. The male right is so strong.

Overall this occurrence was like, kind of boring. It’s like, if such were season one this might have been good drama. But now? We all know Jax chiselled. None of us are stunned that he would chisel more than once–actually, I would have been more dismayed if it had only been the one time. Bravo genuinely must be free to get a new shtick, because I do not like fucking up my sleep round for this predictable shit. Yes, my sleep cycle get fucking crazy if I go to bed at 10 pm. Yes, I’m 80 years old. That’s all the time I have for questions today.

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