‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Don’t Do It Brittany | Betches

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So I’ve been reading on a lot of meetings( Reddit and the one Facebook group I’m in about VPR ) that the whole fight between Sandoval and Stassi at the book signing was completely staged. Bravo creators ?? Absolutely constitute something up for ratings ?? Never! I’ve gotta say, though, I would not have called that one. Have I disappear soft? IDK. Then again, I did hear on good authority( my coworker who knows someone who was at the party) that although the fight was reshot, the actual ardours were real. Just a recreation fragment of info I reckoned I’d start this summary with! Feel free to debate whether or not # booksigninggate was real in the comments.

VPR opens this week with Jax watering his garden-variety while wearing a sheet mask, and Scheana lamenting that she’s not sure 12 swimming trunks for her Miami trip is enough. Damn, am I just terrible or have these beings gotten relatable? Much to discuss in my next care appointment.

Brittany is all excited for her bachelorette defendant, saying they’re about to “tear Miami up”. With that working group, she means that more literally than anything else.

We too learn that Kristen moved out into a room by herself and no longer lives with Carter. How good is the LA real estate market that Kristen bought a house in like, a few weeks? Too, with what money? Kristen is basically a “friend of” the cast at this point.

Well, Kristen is bragging about “being single, having two cute hounds, being a homeowner, and exactly prevailing at life right now.” On the one mitt, this is some reasonably transparent overcompensating( too, can we even be sure that Kristen is single ?). On the other hand, specific comments still realise me spit up my drink.

Butttt this singleness is clearly more good to be true, because Kristen still has a box or two of Carter’s sh* t that she’s moved into her house. Why do I feel like this box is going to become the “checking the mail” of these relations? Just leave his sh* t on the kerb where it belongs if you’re certainly does so with him, sis!

AND SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM THIS MORNING! I’m watching this in my place full of people and I audibly went, “UGH! ” This motherf* cker is moving into Kristen’s house in like, two days crowns. We all are well aware, let’s stop feigning. The second he comes to “get his boxes” it’s over.

Meanwhile at TomTom, these Junior Varsity team dumbasses have been alone for all of two minutes and already started a ardour. So that’s how that keeps happening at Lisa’s restaurants…

Lisa drags Max aside( of all parties) to ask what happened between Sandoval and Stassi. Max tries to plead the fifth, but Lisa, in classic Lisa fashion, thinks he’s being flirtatiou and tries to pump Max for more info.

While Max is left to deal with Lisa’s prying ass, the gang arrives in Miami. Scheana is apparently sharing a chamber with Peter because it’s cheaper, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little sad that she’s not in a area by herself again. That was just heyday Shee Shu.

Sandoval gathers Stassi aside in an attempt to apologize, but it ends with him being like “but just so you know, we don’t plan occasions five days in advance.” This feels like a you difficulty …? Sandoval tries to low-key manipulate Stassi and be like “it just made my stress levels off the charts” and Stassi is like “okay but that’s not my problem.” Courtesy Humanities IN 2020: WE ARE NOT Defending FOR YOUR PROBLEMS ANYMORE. Take some accountability. Yes this was a subtweet.

This is like, f* cking stupid because Sandoval’s whole argument is that Schwartz, Lisa, and Max “don’t plan events”. Okay, then take it up with your team and not the person scheduling the event–this sounds like an organizational issue.

Also Ariana saved talking sh* t about Stassi* checks tones* taking her own copy of her journal, then planting it into an airport bookstore. So let me get this right: she would take one of the copies she already owns. Put it in an airport bookstore of all places, to* comments memoranda* seem cooler? And this journal would presumably not have a price sticker for the airport bookstore, so Stassi would( let me see if I’m getting this right) become no fund from sales of this volume? All so she could maybe get the attention of a few passersby in a Hudson News stand at LAX?

Seems plausible.

This just furthers the many fan thoughts I’ve heard( from your best friend) that Ariana and Sandoval are just salty that, at this stage in filming, their cocktail work is not out hitherto, and at this detail in reality , nobody is worried about it. I’m simply reiterate what I’ve heard!

Lisa is initiating a three-way call attack on Sandoval from LA. It is truly masterful cinema. Schwartz calls Sandoval a grotsky little biotch and Lisa tells him she can’t go to Taco Bell because she’s on an all-carb diet, basically. The degree is, Sandoval went gently told to stop being salty because he’s not the# 1 person in the restaurant.

In Miami, all the guys go to a strip guild while the girls go to a regular association. Having these comedians at a strip organization sounds like a recipe f0r cataclysm that merely Gordon Ramsay could cook up, because all of them( except, to my knowledge, Beau) have cheated on their lovers at one point or another … Some of whom chiselled at a airstrip fraternity. Or was it with a stripper? Or both ?! I can’t remember. Either way, it’s not going to be above board.

Katie is talking about how proud she is of Kristen for having a good time at the bachelorette and not being a mess. And, right after that … Kristen tips-off over as if pushed from the manager by an invisible pressure. Meanwhile, Ariana has finally noticed that everybody is being weird toward her.

Back at the airstrip team, I just watched Jax get full-on motorboated. And Beau decides this is the time to pull Sandoval aside “before everyone gets too wasted” as Sandoval is blinking, one see at a time. Sure, “before” they get squandered. I adore Zaddy Beau being like “you sent my girlfriend a nasty text” and Sandoval( pauses to sigh audibly) has to do his whole “Schwartz is incompetent, I’ve been working in the bar industry for 15 years, I know the ins and outs” routine. Well, I noticed that he’s adjusted his quantity last year down from 20, probably once everyone realise there was no way he was working at a barroom when he was 15 years old.

On the one handwriting, do I get why Sandoval is salty because he and Tom are supposedly equal partners when one has wasted 15 times as a bartender and the other had a panic attack after 15 hours behind the bar one time. “On the other hand, this entire feud seems to boil down to pure jealousy, ” I think to myself, to be prepared to employed it in my own group chat.

Cut to….

Sandoval, deranged : Everybody’s like, “Oh, this is just jealousy! You’re just jealous, Tom! ”
Me : So you admit, you’re resentful?

Boom, lawyered.

Back at SUR, Danica is back, so hide ya kids, hide ya bride, secrete ya lovers. Lisa comes up to Dayna to ask how she’s doing, and Dayna diplomatically canaries on Scheana. I’m not mad about it. Dayna tells Lisa that Scheana is probably being mean to her since they are both get Maxed. It’s the round of bullying continuing: Scheana get bullied and made to polish glass and now is building Dayna do that. Stay in school, kids. Don’t cyberbully.

After going to a society called Shh( which has everything: syringes, children in midi-length leopard skirts, shoots of pinot grigio ), Brittany doesn’t want to stop partying, so the group all goes to another squad. That is something that I would do, and why I learn the hard way time and time again that it’s better to retire while I’m onward rather than continue the night’s descent into further debauchery. They get VIP bottle service and along with the sparklers for sips, the bottle busines girlfriends bring out a mansion saying “Don’t Do It Brittany”( looking, we’ve all thought it. I can respect these random bartenders being brave enough to say it ).

Initially, Brittany thought it was a joke, until Kristen went in her ear and started realise it seem like the sorority was making fun of Brittany and Jax. I doubt that the person or persons at this forbid actually have watched all 7 seasons of Vanderpump Rules; they probably do this to every bachelorette party. Get over yourself.

Brittany is crying, and her Southern accent is out of control–she is really trying with it. Literally everybody else besides Kristen is being like “guys it was just a joke, it’s supposed to be tacky, we’re all out here in tacky wedding dresses FFS.”

Kristen, who is so clearly glomming onto “My Brittany” as a last-ditch attempt for relevance at this spot, is still harping on the point that Brittany is allowed to be upset. Lala argues that she already declared her feelings, Kristen says no you didn’t, Bravo ROLLS THE TAPE FROM 18 SECONDS AGO, and I am f* cking cackling. I enjoy that individual producers/ editors are just as over this sh* t as I am. I too only was discovered that no wonder Lala is the only one who’s making sense; she’s sober.

Also , who is this daughter who examines exactly like Lisa Edelstein at the bachelorette? Wait, is it her? I actually can’t confirm it’s not.

TG Jax comes in with pizza to save the day … JK it’s half-eaten pizza with discarded chicken bones. That may seem like the kind of gift Jax would commit. “I put in so much effort! I called the pizza place, I told them what I craved, and I tipped the guy! And then I was so exhausted from doing all that work that I dine a few slice, sue me! I’m a frightful person, I know !! ”

The next day, everyone’s hungover, Schwartz is lying about having gotten a lap dance from a stripper, and the party is going to continue on a boat. Oh good, because if everyone starts engaging with each other, they can’t just leave!

Scheana starts talking sh* t about Dayna with all the girls. She says “I just don’t vibe with her” which is the most off-base euphemism for “I’m jealous she’s seeing the guy who didn’t want me” that I’ve ever heard. But ok. She likewise accompanies up the bra-shaming again. I love that Lala subtly challenges Scheana( because Lala also doesn’t wear a bra ), and Scheana is forced to backtrack and be like “no, but you have great vivaciou tits.” Oh, so your trouble with Dayna is that you don’t like her tits? Let’s call HR up in here, there seems to be sexual harassment.

Kristen drags Lala aside to talk, and has anyone else noticed that Kristen has been speaking this entire episode in barely audible mumbles that “ve got to be” subtitled? It’s almost as if … she’s extremely ashamed … of her own wars … to speak up about them…

Kristen clearly knows she f* cked up so she immediately rationalizes for egging Brittany on and becoming her particularly concerned. Ughhhh and she’s still texting Carter, and he’s coming over on Saturday to get his chests. What’s in the box? Sex toys. Right, because those are totally indispensable and he couldn’t just go buy his own. I’m sure Adam& Eve would hurl these two a sponsorship deal in a heartbeat if it’s a coin concern. Kristen, we all know you and Carter are going to open up this box and put it to use, if you know what I mean, so retire pretending.

Also, I cherish that Kristen tries to lie to Lala for a moment about having slept with Carter, but then she probably swiftly does the mental calculation that she admitted it to Ariana earlier this occurrence on camera, so that’s going to bite her in the ass real quick. Can someone explain to me why people lie when they know they’re being filmed? Do they think they are that skilled at manipulation, or do they just forget the cameras are there?

Lala does the lord’s work( I call my healer the lord) of requesting Kristen why she simply can’t manage to be alone. Ah yes, the million-dollar question. Okay, so none except maybe Stassi is worth that much. The $30,000 question. Kristen’s response is basically that being “single and ready to mingle”( like Scheana) is just like the most difficult thing ever. I feel like somebody needs to tell her( and Scheana) that you can be single and just like … ordinary. Not a thirst being. Follow me on Twitter, I’ll show ya what it’s all about.

Ariana comes over to Stassi to “clear the air”. Ugh, I don’t even care anymore about this f* cking notebook signing, I’m ready to move past it. If I, a absolutely objective third party with perfectly no personal interest in the matter, am able to move on, why can’t you guys ?!

Stassi makes up the airport book thing( I’m actually glad we circled back to this ), and either Ariana is kind of downplaying what she actually said, or this was a monstrous miscommunication. Given that these clowns probably started drinking at the airport before even going through security, I’ll chalk it up to a miscommunication, with a little of saltiness on the rim.

The girls all go to dinner by themselves, and Kristen is outside talking to Carter on the phone, and I’m still not over how much Brittany’s friend Cara looks like my girl Abby from Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce. Yeah, I know, I’m the only person who watched that see. I stand by it!

Now Katie and Ariana are fighting about this work signing( can we please move on) and appear, Ariana is not incorrect that Schwartz should have told Sandoval that he agreed to an affair. But then Sandoval should have blown up on Schwartz , not Stassi. Once again, this is an internal problem! And that’s the last I’ll say about this.

So, wait, in addition to Carter’s sex toys, Kristen has his photography equipment at her house? Next we’re gonna hear that she’s too got a box of his underwear, and his toothbrush, and is that his razor? Sigh.

Kristen does some expert deflecting like “let’s not talk about me being chaotic because it’s time to celebrate My Brittany”. Eye roll, but not a bad participate. Kristen is really toting out her best regiman catchphrases, like “I’m doing the best that I can” and “this doesn’t feel like love to me.” It sure feels like love to me, though. You know what kind? Tough love. The kind of “love” Kristen wants isn’t love at all, it’s simply blank-check enabling.

Kristen declines a f* cking bombard and returns up Schwartz f* cking around on Katie “for years” which causes Katie to simply snap and ask Kristen a sorry party. It’s funny because that’s what I’ve called Katie all of last-place season, but in such instances, I visualize she’s right. While Kristen is right that both Katie and Stassi were in sad relations, without Kristen establishing her disfavor a storyline, I still can’t help but have zero perseverance for this sh* t. Is it because Carter has baby teeth in an adult head? Is it because I still haven’t forgotten his weird “oh the tales, they are a-changin’” song? I’m not sure what the same reasons, but I am sure that I guess I’m buying what the producers are trying to sell me robbed, course and sinker.( And yes, I did low-key forget to finish this recap, and no , none on the editorial crew parted it out to me! What an intoxicating remember of the superpower I brandish !) Anyway, “ve seen you” all next week, and I predict I’ll hope to finish my thoughts.

Images: Bravo

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