Top 7 Calibers Of The Perfect Christian

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This post is brought to you by the wildly popular Christian satire site, The Babylon Bee. Be sure to check out their entry volume, How to Be a Perfect Christian , available NOW !


The Christian life is no walk on the beach, despite what a certain sappy poem will tell you. Sanctification is more like a plod through the sloughs of despair than a ricochet along the coast while you and Jesus toss a football around.

In fact, the Christian life is so difficult, we are starting wondering if there was a shortcut. Could we distinguish simple-minded stairs Christians could take to leapfrog over years of painful discipleship? Well, by golly, we found out through years of biblical learn and research that there are tons of shortcuts. If you compensate close attention to Christian culture, you too can find ways to conform to the status quo and grow holier while putting in hardly any real endeavour at all.

Sound too good to be true? It’s not! Over at The Babylon Bee , we’re group of experts on Christian perfection. We literally wrote the book on it, chronicling the exact paces you need to take to become holier than Kirk Cameron himself.( If you want to reach peak holiness, sorry, you’re gonna have to buy our book–in bulk, preferably .)

But we’re good guys, and we want even freeloaders like you to garner a few spiritual objects. So we’re willing to lay out 7 tones that define the perfect Christian, at no charge. What ?! You heard that right.

Model your life after these shining examples, and even Tim Tebowwill be in awe of your saunter with Christ in no time.

1 .) The perfect Christian has every DC Talk song memorized, even the ones from Nu Thang .

Even carnal Christians know the words to “Jesus Freak, ” but a genuine disciple can rap together with T-Mac, Kevin, and the Taitster on the deepest slashes. Can you perform Mrs. Morgan’s anti-drummer rant? Can you spit out the phat rhymes in “I Love Rap Music” with your backward cabby hat sitting on your president just right? Can you pull off the whole breakdown in “Jesus Is Just All Right” without breaking a sweat? Then you’re well on the way, Christian soldier!

2 .) The perfect Christian plasters every hateful Christian bumper sticker known to man all over their auto.

Don’t limit your piou bumper stickers to exactly the bumper. Slap those puppies all over your back opening, your side door, heck, even your windshield. Here are three of best available bumper sticker ideas to get you started: “THE KING JAMES VERSION: GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS, GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.” “ARE YOU FOLLOWING JESUS THIS CLOSELY? ” “MY BOSS IS A JEWISH CARPENTER! ”

3 .) The perfect Christian screams, “THE DEVIL’S DRINK! ” whenever they ensure someone drinking alcohol.

You can’t be too careful: holler at the highest level of your lungs anytime you detect a fellow eatery patron sipping a Bud Light ensures you’re not tempted to take a reek of Satan’s favorite liquid, and it also alerts the idolatrous who drink alcohol that you are a Perfect Christian ( tm) . Advanced Christians even leap across the restaurant and smack-dab the accursed stuff right out of their hands. It’s for their own good, after all.

4 .) The perfect Christian leaves a few hundred Chick tracts in every public restroom they inspect.

The Bible tells us to “redeem the time.” You can rule this spiritual penalize the next time you’re in a public organisation and need to use the facilities: bring along your favorite judgmental Chick tract–we recommend the tried and true classic “Dark Dungeons”–and litter the whole restroom with that bad boy. When the resident custodian has to cleanse all those up afterwards, he’ll be touched by your evangelistic fervor.

5 .) The perfect Christian elevates their hands like they scored a touchdown during the course of its entire sacred determined every Sunday.

If you face-lift your hands after the worship song starts, it’s already too late. Even the Pharisees and the tax collectors know to raise their hands when the worship governor starts in on the connection to “Oceans.” You need to be better than that! Get those outstretched arms up there like you’re an NFL ref announcing a field goal, and don’t you dare make them down until the sermon starts.

6 .) The perfect Christian always takes a picture of their quiet period and shares it to Instagram.

Got your Bible open? Got your fresh-pressed morning coffee ready to go? Before you actually read the Word of god, invest 15 -2 0 minutes setting up the perfect shoot. Take two or three thousand if you have to. Formerly you have a perfectly framed and filtered pic, upload that masterpiece to Instagram and rake in those likes! If you don’t actually ever get out to speaking the morning’s Scripture passage, that’s alright–you already got the beauty, and that’s what’s important.

7 .) The perfect Christian makes up hundreds of legalistic governs above and beyond what the Bible learns and magistrates everybody by whether or not they measure up to this new man-made guideline.

If following the Bible is good, isn’t following the Bible PLUS your own man-made conventions just that much better? Of route it is. Trust us–we expected literally two theologians this issue, and they agreed. Well, technically, they just looked at us funny, but that’s pretty much agreement. So get to it: make up five or six hundred rules and magistrate everybody according to your own convictions.

Do you live up to the pattern of Christian perfection? If not, plainly try harder–isn’t that what the Christian life is all about?

This post is brought to you by the wildly favourite Christian satire site, The Babylon Bee. Be sure to check out their debut journal, How to Be a Perfect Christian , available NOW !

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