Theresa May can’t hampered a grudge- and 15 more happenings we’ve learned since we voted leave

On Saturday, it will be a year since Britain rendered the proverbial up yours to Jacques Delors. And what have we learned? That there is only a hard Brexit and David Cameron likes expensive sheds

One year ago today, we knew so few. A YouGov poll on referendum daylight last year predicted a 52% to 48% stand victory and even arch-Brexiter Nigel Farage, for a moment, lost his insufferably oleaginous grin as he conceded that it ogled like remain will periphery it. In the end, leave won by 51.9% to 48.1% on a turnout of 71.8%, with more than 30 million people voting. And Nigel Farage got his unacceptable grin back. What have we learned in the ensuing time?

David Cameron would prefer to write his doubtless fatuous if well-remunerated memoirs in a wheeled Oxfordshire shed rather than negotiate Brexit

Cameron quit as PM the morning after the referendum when it became clear Britain had voted to leave the EU. And who are in a position blamed him? His reassuringly expensive 25,000 shed has a wood-burning stave, dimmer swaps, sofa bed, sheeps wool insularity and is decorated in muted shadows called clunch, mouses back and age-old white. By differentiate, the EU negotiating team are semi-housetrained polecats even now spitting in French about chewing their opposite number genitals in some hellishly overheated conference room somewhere just awful like Brussels. Probably.

Buses lie

The slogan on the leave battlebus claimed that Brexit would produce 350 m a week for the NHS. Shortly after the referendum, one prominent leave activist, Iain Duncan Smith, mentioned: I never said that during the course of the election. The 350 m was an extrapolation of the 19.1 bn thats the total amount of money we afforded in the various regions of the European Union. What we are really said was a significant amount of it would go to the NHS. Not genuinely: leave campaign chairman Matthew Elliott tweeted during the referendum campaign: Tells cause our NHS the 350 m the EU takes every week. And that wasnt true-blue: Britain had negotiated a reject, exclusively 285 m a week. Nor was it clear that all EU fees could be channelled straight into health services. The preceding assert of the leave safarus, then, was based on a spurious prospectus and may have led to the British parties voting for something they might well have opposed if they had the facts of the case. Just saying.

Jean-Claude Juncker. Photograph: Patrick Seeger/ EPA

There is only hard Brexit

The EU negotiating team has put all our substance on the lawn and is screeching from an upstairs window that we were never that good in berth anyway. What is I forgery all those orgasms in French or Polish? We had better catch out because were going to be hearing that a lot in the next few months, as our menage with the EU comes to a bitter end. According to the European Commissions president, Jean-Claude Juncker, the departure proposal for the UK will be at least 60 bn( 52.7 bn ), while, according to reports in the Financial Times, EU negotiators had now been upped the greenback to 100bn, to cover-up post-Brexit farm remittances and fees and admin costs in 2019 and 2020 when, if youll allow me some caps lock outrage, WE WONT EVEN BE MEMBERS OF THE EU ANY MORE. How bitterly sardonic: didnt we select Brexit, in part, so we didnt have to subsidise economically unviable, perhaps drunk-off-their-asses French farmers, and faceless Brussels bureaucrats? You just knowing that? We maybe did.

Our new copulates are international pariahs

In the springtime, the sell diplomat Liam Fox afforded an indication of how Britain would emerge post-Brexit stronger, fairer, more united and more outward-looking society when he inspected the Philippines to negotiate a commerce deal withRodrigo Duerte, the Filipino president. Duerte has publicly helped civilians to kill drug addicts, and lives the career reverie Ive been secretly nourishing since primary school, namely that of becoming an international pariah. At the same hour, Theresa May was in Saudi Arabia as part of a wider authority great efforts to shore up the UKs trading position after Brexit and, even though they are, declined to condemn the Saudi-led bombing in Yemen, even though it is estimated to have killed more than 10,000 civilians and displaced more than 3 million people. There is a real danger that, in our desperation to conclude craft slews, respect for human rights, which exist in every EU contract, will just go out of the window, replied senior Labour MP Harriet Harman. Yes, but with respect, Harriet, its only remoaners like you who establish a monkeys about foreigners human rights or lives when Britains trade deficit needs correcting.

Theresa May isnt a bloody difficult female

Not actually. Yes, she did say: During the Republican party leadership safarus, I was described by one of my colleagues as a murderou difficult girl. And I announced at the time the next person to find that out is likely to be Jean-Claude Juncker. But, just as the first the principles of the rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club, the first the principles of the rule of being difficult is not to go on about it. Just do it. Talking about it aint gonna make it happen, girlfriend.

Oh, Kate. How could you. Photograph: Gered Mankowitz/ Record Company Handout

The balmy daytimes of last November are over

Remember when everyone else favourite music-and-movement translator of Emily Bronts oeuvre, Kate Bush, announced that May is superb and the best event thats happened to us in a very long time? This was during the heady hiatus before Mays cataclysmic election win, after which she was obliged to ritually crawl up the Mall in leather trousers, bloody-minded her sides and knees as passers-by hissed: Whos strong and stable now, eh ?, to beg the Queen to give her to form the next government. At least thats how I remember it. By means of that hubristic electoral cataclysm, May surrendered a parliamentary majority in favour of being is under an obligation to suck up to a bunch of cheerless Ulster homophobes( no offence ) to stop her and her cold-hearted, good-ideas-free crew in agency( again no offence ), all the while supporting herself with every breaking-news story to be strong and unstable and temperamentally unfit to negotiate Brexit. How much side-eye am I dedicating Kate Bush right now? So much.

The resulting EU negotiator does a terrifying Dr Evil parody

Read Michel Barniers following statements in a malevolent accent while stroking an imaginary cat. If you like sauntering in the mountains, you have to learn a certain number of rules, he replied, shortly after May had returned from a walking tour of Snowdonia to announce a stupid snap election. You have to learn to put one foot in front of the other … You likewise have to look at what accidents might befall you You have to have stamina because it could be a long route. Is it simply me or did that definitely sounds like Moriarty obliquely questioning a fatality threat to Sherlock at the Reichenbach Falls? Is Barnier planning to kill our prime minister with an ice collect as she trolls all over the Alps singing Happy Wanderer with her Woody Allen-clone of a spouse? Because thats how it clanged to me.

How terrifying is the EUs chief negotiator? In the olden days, the Sun would have mercilessly satirised his surname. Remember when they put it to a former EU commission president with their Up yours, Delors! splashing? But have they dared to summon him Barmy Barnier in 72 -point capitals? No, because he will probably introduced a affect out on them as well, if they did. Hes just that intimidating.

Even the English language is taking a punishment-beating, post-Brexit

Slowly but surely, English is losing its importance in Europe, announced Juncker during a discussion in Italy last-place month. And he said the rest of his speech in French, exactly to fix the detail. Indeed, Juncker can probably do I forgery all those orgasms in each of the many EU languages. What a guy!

Sympathy for Jean-Claude. If Juncker has any animus to this island society, its in part because during the course of its referendum expedition, our tabloids reported the insult that his father was a Nazi. It was unfair and disgusting, he told the FT. Just possibly, Britain is deriving what its post-truth hatemongers broadcasted. Thanks for that, tabloids.

Every era I write Brexit, the autocorrect changes it to Breast

This is the only good act that has happened in politics in the past year.

Michael Gove is back

Lord, it was hard to write that last sentence. Wasnt the most wonderful happening about Mays firstly administration that she had been able to bin him off? But months later, hes back as medium secretary, demonstrating, if nothing else, that May cant hold on to anything for long not a policy , not a parliamentary majority , not even a bitternes. Just to review: she trenched two manifesto pledges in the Queens speech( legalising fox hunting and creating more grade school ), but returned her old antagonist back into the cabinet. What a dithering chagrin she is. Although Ill say this for her: at the least she isnt Gove. Was it only me who nearly lost their dinner watching footage of Gove plodding down wall street with a smug grin on his face when it was reproduced on Have I Got News for You last Friday? Of course it wasnt.

Amber Rudd. Photograph: Hannah Mckay/ Reuters

The refer of Theresa Mays most likely successor is an anagram of Bad Murder

If May is toppled this summer either on a crack above Klosters by some of Barmy Barniers ski-masked lackeys or, more likely, by the Conservatives 1922 Committee then Amber Rudd is tipped supersede her, although there are the minister of the interior is about as fit for purpose as Joey Barton is for becoming a galctico . Still, at the least she would be better than the obvious comic that is Boris Johnson. Better Britain is helmed by PM Bad Murder than this gaffe-prone berk( Johnson lost his wedding ring within an hour of getting married ), inventor of references( for which he was fired from the Times ), witless calumniser of scousers, witless calumniser of Papua New Guineans and most incompetent foreign secretary since Lord Halifax.

The Farage farago is, paws spanned, over

There is good news. We never need use the word Strewth, Paul Nuttall is on the radio talking cobblers again, thanks to Ukips sad electoral accomplishment. Plus, Farage, his precede, has realised his true job not inducing the post-truth subject for Brexit, but getting on his knees and smooching when in the vicinity of the 45 th US chairpeople likely frightful derriere. He has called Trump amazing and superb and claimed that the president had some good people behind him, such as Kellyanne Conway. You remember Conway, the aide who employed the period alternative facts to vindicate colleague Sean Spicers lies. Fine judge of character.

Its not only Theresa May who is doing an parody of Tigger unbounced

Reflecting on her partys poll loss of 21 Westminster sits, Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP leader, looked pleasingly glum as she conceded that her a blueprint for “the worlds” worst neologism, Indyref2, were undoubtedly a factor in the disappointing causes. Sturgeon had hoped for a second independence referendum in 2019, so Scotland could baffle the hard Brexit she feared Mays authority would inflict, like a coward, sneaky Sassenach trick on her proud Braveheart-like beings, but, when she makes a statement next Tuesday on the question, shes likely to step back from that extravagant timetable.

They enunciate Rhyl is very nice this time of year

Ever since the referendum upshot, the pound has been buying fewer euros or dollars and money experts believe its significance will remain in the long term at least 10% below what it was this time last year. Which makes, apart from anything else, and altogether unacceptably, Im more for my Italian truffle lubricant than ever. Its also why Marmite payments more, although, considering the fact that Marmite smells like a sweaty crotch mixed with beef remove, I can live with that. One obvious corollary is that we must forget Florida, the Cte dAzur or Umbria this summer, and instead espouse the staycation, rediscovering our Churchillian bulldog spirit for opposing pigeons for the last of our chips on windswept north Wales beaches as unstoppable tornadoes roar in from the Irish Sea.

The difference between hard and soft interpreted( finally !)

A hard Brexit would be likely to see the UK dispense with full access to the single market and the customs union, with the bonus that we are capable of submit European Johnny Strangers to cavity inquiries at Stansted before recalling them on the next flight to Dsseldorf. By comparison, soft Brexit would imply us going unlimited quilted toilet rolls and cute puppies in exchange for acknowledging more immigrants than you are able to shake a stick at. Simply kidding. Soft Brexit means we might follow a similar course to Norway, which is a member of the single market and has to accept the free movement of people as a result.

Which of these we get, hard or soft, is unclear but, considering the fact that the EU negotiating team seems akin to a ruthless, spirited and enviably joined Jamaican 4×100 relay crew and their British counterparts resemble a fractious, red-faced, bumbling PTA tug-of-war team called into action after expending too much time in the school fete Pimms tent, I wouldnt be anticipating good news.

That suggested, let me expect this: youve speak Karl Ove Knausgrds unstoppably self-indulgent multi-volume memoirs. Doesnt that put you off aspiring to emulate Norwegians? Me, too.

The rocky street to Dublin just got rockier

May reads she is committed to a frictionless, seamless margin between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. This, like other Maybot tropes such as Brexit represents Brexit, or solid and stable, or Im absolutely clear about this, makes fewer and less at the longer you think about it. If there remain no passport checks at the Irish border post-Brexit, Ireland could become a back entrance for EU immigrants wishing to come to the UK. That would make a mockery of Mays aim of get immigration down to a sustainable height, which she defines as being below 100,000 a year. This is an aspiration she remarks she wants to fulfil, since it is one lesson she took from the Brexit vote. If passport checks are instituted at the Irish border, that would serve to undermine the Good Friday agreement, which resolved the Troubles nearly 20 years ago. Since then the border has become marvellously invisible rather than scattered with anxious, tooled-up squaddies in watchtowers, which was no way to carry on.

Its fairly the reasonably old pickle, isnt it? There is an Irish story that is useful here. A driver asks a passerby how to get to Dublin. If I wished to go to Dublin, succeeds the reply, I wouldnt start from here.

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