Theresa May can’t maintained a enmity- and 15 more events we’ve learned since we voted leave

On Saturday, it will be a year since Britain payed the proverbial up yours to Jacques Delors. And what have we learned? That “theres only” a hard Brexit and David Cameron likes expensive sheds

One year ago today, we knew so little. A YouGov poll on referendum daylight last year predicted a 52% to 48% remain succes and even arch-Brexiter Nigel Farage, for a few moments, lost his insufferably oleaginous smirk as he conceded that it examined like remain will shape it. In the end, leave acquired by 51.9% to 48.1% on a turnout of 71.8%, with more than 30 million people voting. And Nigel Farage got his unacceptable grinning back. What have we learned in the following year?

David Cameron would prefer to write his doubtless ludicrous if well-remunerated memoirs in a wheeled Oxfordshire shed rather than negotiate Brexit

Cameron quit as PM the morning after the referendum when it became clear Britain had voted to leave the EU. And who are in a position blamed him? His reassuringly expensive 25,000 molted has a wood-burning stave, dimmer switchings, sofa bed, sheeps coat insularity and is covered in softened colors announced clunch, mouses back and age-old lily-white. By differ, the EU negotiating team are semi-housetrained polecats even now spitting in French about gnawing their opposite number genitals in some hellishly overheated conference room somewhere just awful like Brussels. Probably.

Buses lie

The slogan on the leave battlebus claimed that Brexit would provide 350 m a week for the NHS. Shortly after the referendum, one prominent leave activist, Iain Duncan Smith, said: I never said that in the course of general elections. The 350 m was an extrapolation of the 19.1 bn thats the total amount of coin we devoted in the different regions of the European union countries. What we really said was a significant sum of it would go to the NHS. Not genuinely: leave expedition head Matthew Elliott tweeted during the referendum campaign: Lets afford our NHS the 350 m the EU takes each week. And that wasnt true-blue: Britain had negotiated a deduction, compensating exclusively 285 m a few weeks. Nor was it clear that all EU costs could be channelled straight into health services. The preceding claim of the leave safarus, then, was based on a untrue prospectus and may have led to the British people voting for something they might well have opposed if the selection board had the facts of the case. Just saying.

Jean-Claude
Jean-Claude Juncker. Photo: Patrick Seeger/ EPA

There is only hard Brexit

The EU negotiating team has put all our material on the lawn and is screeching from an upstairs window that we were never that good in bunk anyway. What is I forged all those orgasms in French or Polish? We had better find out because were going to be hearing that a lot in the next few months, as our menage with the EU comes to a bitter end. Harmonizing to the European Commissions president, Jean-Claude Juncker, the depart greenback for the UK will be at least 60 bn( 52.7 bn ), while, according to reports in the Financial Times, EU negotiators had now been upped the proposal to 100bn, to blanket post-Brexit farm fees and fees and admin fees in 2019 and 2020 when, if youll allow me some detonators lock outrage, WE WONT EVEN BE MEMBERS OF THE EU ANY MORE. How bitterly sarcastic: didnt we choose Brexit, in part, this is why we didnt is therefore necessary to subsidise economically unviable, maybe drunk-off-their-asses French farmers, and faceless Brussels bureaucrats? You is common knowledge that? We likely did.

Our brand-new mates are international pariahs

In the outpouring, the busines minister Liam Fox held an indication of how Britain would emerge post-Brexit stronger, fairer, more united and more outward-looking nation when he saw the Philippines to negotiate a transaction is being dealt withRodrigo Duerte, the Filipino president. Duerte has publicly encouraged civilians to kill drug addict, and lives the career daydream Ive been secretly nourishing since primary school, namely that of becoming an international pariah. At the same period, Theresa May was in Saudi Arabia as part of a wider authority effort to shore up the UKs trading position after Brexit and, while there, declined to condemn the Saudi-led bombing in Yemen, even though it is estimated to have killed more than 10,000 civilians and displaced more than 3 million people. There is a real danger that, in our desperation to conclude transaction slews, respect for human rights, which is in every EU contract, will just go out of the window, said elderly Labour MP Harriet Harman. Yes, but with respect, Harriet, its only remoaners like you who sacrifice a monkeys about strangers human rights or lives when Britains trade deficit needs correcting.

Theresa May isnt a brutal difficult maiden

Not certainly. Yes, she did say: During the Conservative party leadership safarus, I was described by one of my colleagues as a blood difficult maiden. And I said at the time the next person to find that out will be Jean-Claude Juncker. But, just as the first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talking here Fight Club, the first rule of being difficult is not to go on about it. Just do it. Talking about it aint gonna make it happen, girlfriend.

Oh,
Oh, Kate. How could you. Photograph: Gered Mankowitz/ Record Company Handout

The balmy days of last November are over

Remember when everybody favourite music-and-movement translator of Emily Bronts oeuvre, Kate Bush, announced that May is fantastic and the best event thats happened to us in a long time? This was during the heady hiatus before Mays cataclysmic poll victory, after which she was obliged to ritually crawl up the Mall in leather trousers, blooding her sides and knees as passers-by whoosh: Whos strong and stable now, eh ?, to beg the Queen to stand her to form the next government. At least thats how I remember it. By the ways and means of that hubristic electoral adversity, May surrendered a parliamentary majority in favour of being obliged to suck up to a bunch of cheerless Ulster homophobes( no offence ) to prevent her and her cold-hearted, good-ideas-free crew in bureau( again no offence ), all the while substantiating herself with every breaking-news story to be weak and precarious and temperamentally incapable to negotiate Brexit. How much side-eye am I devoting Kate Bush right now? So much.

The extending EU negotiator does a scary Dr Evil impersonation

Read Michel Barniers following remarks in a sinister accent while stroking an imaginary “cat-o-nine-tail”. If you like marching in the mountains, you have to learn a certain number of rules, he said, shortly after May had returned from a walking tour of Snowdonia to announce a stupid snap ballot. You have to learn to put one foot in front of the other … You likewise have to look at what accidents might befall you You have to have stamina because it could be a long street. Is it simply me or did that definitely sounds like Moriarty obliquely problem a extinction threat to Sherlock at the Reichenbach Falls? Is Barnier planning to kill our prime minister with an frost picking as she trolls around the Alps singing Happy Wanderer with her Woody Allen-clone of a spouse? Because thats how it sounded to me.

How terrifying is the EUs chief negotiator? In the olden days, the Sun would have mercilessly satirised his surname. Remember when they stuck it to a former EU commission president with their Up yours, Delors! splashing? But have they dared to summon him Barmy Barnier in 72 -point capitals? No, because he will probably threw a strike out on them as well, if they did. Hes just that intimidating.

Even the English speech is taking a punishment-beating, post-Brexit

Slowly but surely, English is losing its importance in Europe, said Juncker during a communication in Italy last month. And he said the rest of his speech in French, just to fasten the quality. Surely, Juncker can probably say I faked all those orgasms in each of the many EU languages. What a person!

Sympathy for Jean-Claude. If Juncker has any animus to this island nation, its in part because during the course of its referendum campaign, our tabloids reported the insinuation that his father was a Nazi. It was unjust and disgusting, he told the FT. Just possibly, Britain is reaping what its post-truth hatemongers sowed. Thanks for that, tabloids.

Every era I write Brexit, the autocorrect changes it to Breast

This is the only good thought that has happened in politics in the past year.

Michael Gove is back

Lord, it was hard to write that last sentence. Wasnt the most wonderful act about Mays first administration that she had been able to bin him off? But months later, hes back as context secretary, substantiating, if nothing else, that May cant hold on to anything for long not a plan , not a parliamentary majority , not even a rancour. Just to review: she trenched two manifesto pledges in the Queens speech( legalising fox hunting and creating more grammar school ), but produced her old adversary back into the cabinet. What a dithering regret she is. Although Ill say this for her: at least she isnt Gove. Was it simply me who virtually lost their dinner watching footage of Gove jogging down the street with a smug grin on his face when it was recited on Have I Got News for You last-place Friday? Of route it wasnt.

Amber
Amber Rudd. Image: Hannah Mckay/ Reuters

The name of Theresa Mays more likely successor is an anagram of Bad Murder

If May is toppled this summer either on a crack above Klosters by some of Barmy Barniers ski-masked lackeys or, most likely, by the Reactionary 1922 Committee then Amber Rudd is tipped supersede her, even though the minister of the interior is about as is suitable for purpose as Joey Barton is for becoming a galctico . Still, at least she would be better than the obvious clown that is Boris Johnson. Better Britain is helmed by PM Bad Murder than this gaffe-prone berk( Johnson lost his marriage echoing within an hour of getting married ), inventor of citations( for which he was fired from the Times ), witless calumniser of scousers, witless calumniser of Papua New Guineans and most incompetent foreign secretary since Lord Halifax.

The Farage farago is, paws swept, over

There is good news. We never need use the motto Strewth, Paul Nuttall is on the radio talking cobblers again, thanks to Ukips dismal electoral concert. Plus, Farage, his predecessor, has realised his true vocation not making the post-truth suit for Brexit, but getting on his knees and smooching when in the vicinity of the 45 th US presidents probably appalling derriere. He has called Trump amazing and superb and claimed that the president had some good beings behind him, such as Kellyanne Conway. You remember Conway, the aide who use the word alternative realities to vindicate colleague Sean Spicers lies. Fine judge of character.

Its is not merely Theresa May who is doing an impersonation of Tigger unbounced

Reflecting on her partys election loss of 21 Westminster sets, Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP leader, appeared pleasingly glum as she conceded that her a blueprint for the worlds worst neologism, Indyref2, were undoubtedly a factor in the disappointing makes. Sturgeon had hoped for a second independence referendum in 2019, so Scotland could escape the hard Brexit she feared Mays authority would impose, like a coward, sneaky Sassenach trick on her proud Braveheart-like beings, but, when she makes a statement next Tuesday on the question, shes likely to step back from that fanciful timetable.

They say Rhyl is very nice this time of year

Ever since the referendum make, the pound has been buying fewer euros or dollars and currency experts believe its cost will remain in the long term at the least 10% below what it was this time last year. Which symbolizes, apart from anything else, and totally unacceptably, Im paying more for my Italian truffle oil than ever. Its also why Marmite overheads more, although, given that Marmite experiences like a sweaty crotch mixed with beef remove, I can live with that. One obvious corollary is that we must forget Florida, the Cte dAzur or Umbria this summer, and instead hug the staycation, rediscovering our Churchillian bulldog atmosphere for opposing pigeons for the last of our chippings on windswept north Wales beaches as unstoppable gales wail in from the Irish Sea.

The discrepancies between hard and soft illustrated( eventually !)

A hard Brexit would be likely to see the UK dispense with full access to the single market and the customs union, with the bonus that we could submit European Johnny Immigrants to cavity research at Stansted before returning them on the next flight to Dsseldorf. By distinguish, soft Brexit would involve us get unlimited quilted toilet rolls and cute puppies in exchange for declaring more immigrants than you can shake a stick at. Simply kidding. Soft Brexit means we might follow a same itinerary to Norway, which is a member of the single market and has to accept the free movement of beings as a result.

Which of these we get, hard or soft, is ambiguous but, owing to the fact that the EU negotiating team seems akin to a ruthless, spirited and enviably joined Jamaican 4×100 communicate squad and their British counterparts resemble a fractious, red-faced, bumbling PTA tug-of-war team called into action after spending too much time in the school fete Pimms tent, I wouldnt be anticipating good news.

That said, let me request this: youve speak Karl Ove Knausgrds unstoppably self-indulgent multi-volume memoirs. Doesnt that put you off aspiring to mimic Norwegians? Me, too.

The bumpy road to Dublin just got rockier

May says she is committed to a frictionless, seamless mete between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. This, like other Maybot tropes such as Brexit symbolizes Brexit, or solid and stable, or Im absolutely clear about this, signifies less and less at the longer you think about it. If there remain no passport checks at the Irish border post-Brexit, Ireland could become a back entrance for EU immigrants wishing to come to the UK. That would make a mockery of Mays aim of get migration down to a sustainable degree, which she defines as being below 100,000 a year. This is an aspiration she says she wants to fulfil, since it is one lesson she took from the Brexit vote. If passport checks are instituted at the Irish border, that would serve to undermine the Good Friday agreement, which pointed the Troubles virtually 20 years ago. Since then the border has become marvellously invisible rather than dotted with nervous, tooled-up squaddies in watchtowers, which was no way to carry on.

Its fairly the fairly old-fashioned pickle, isnt it? There is an Irish story that is useful here. A driver expects a passerby how to get to Dublin. If I wished to go to Dublin, comes the acknowledgment, I wouldnt start from here.

Read more: www.theguardian.com


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