Theresa May can’t impounded a grudge- and 15 more things we’ve learned since we voted leave

On Saturday, it will be a year since Britain handed the proverbial up yours to Jacques Delors. And what have we learned? That there is only a hard Brexit and David Cameron likes expensive sheds

One year ago today, we knew little longer. A YouGov poll on referendum day last year prophesied a 52% to 48% continue victory and even arch-Brexiter Nigel Farage, for a moment, lost his insufferably oleaginous smirk as he conceded that it searched like stand will periphery it. In the end, leave triumphed by 51.9% to 48.1% on a turnout of 71.8%, with more than 30 million people voting. And Nigel Farage got his unacceptable grin back. What have we learned in the following year?

David Cameron would prefer to write his doubtless ludicrous if well-remunerated memoirs in a wheeled Oxfordshire molted rather than negotiate Brexit

Cameron quit as PM the morning after the referendum when it became clear Britain had voted to leave the EU. And who are in a position blame him? His reassuringly expensive 25,000 shed has a wood-burning stove, dimmer substitutions, sofa bed, sheeps fleece isolation and is covered in softened tints called clunch, mouses back and old-time grey. By oppose, the EU negotiating team are semi-housetrained polecats even now spewing in French about gnawing their opposite number genitals in some hellishly overheated conference room somewhere just awful like Brussels. Probably.

Buses lie

The slogan on the leave battlebus claimed that Brexit would yield 350 m a week for the NHS. Shortly after the referendum, one prominent leave campaigner, Iain Duncan Smith, read: I never used to say during the course of the election. The 350 m was an extrapolation of the 19.1 bn thats the total amount of money we afforded across the European Union. What we are really read be a major amount of it would go to the NHS. Not actually: leave campaign head Matthew Elliott tweeted during the referendum campaign: Makes make our NHS the 350 m the EU takes every week. And that wasnt true: Britain had negotiated a rebate, compensating merely 285 m a few weeks. Nor was it clear that all EU fees could be channelled straight into health services. The preceding declaration of the leave safarus, then, was based on a untrue prospectus and may have led to the British beings voting for something they might well have opposed if the selection board had the facts of the case. Just saying.

Jean-Claude
Jean-Claude Juncker. Image: Patrick Seeger/ EPA

There is only hard Brexit

The EU negotiating team has put all our material on the lawn and is screaming from an upstairs window that we were never that good in bunk anyway. What is I counterfeited all those orgasms in French or Polish? We had better catch out because were going to be hearing that a lot in the next few months, as our menage with the EU comes to a bitter end. According to the European Commissions president, Jean-Claude Juncker, the exit legislation for the UK will be at least 60 bn( 52.7 bn ), while, according to reports in the Financial Times, EU negotiators had now been upped the greenback to 100bn, to treat post-Brexit farm fees and remittances and admin costs in 2019 and 2020 when, if youll allow me some caps lock outrage, WE WONT EVEN BE MEMBERS OF THE EU ANY MORE. How bitterly sarcastic: didnt we elect Brexit, in part, so we didnt “re going to have to” subsidise economically unviable, maybe drunk-off-their-asses French farmers, and faceless Brussels bureaucrats? You know what? We probably did.

Our new copulates are international pariah

In the outpouring, the sell administrator Liam Fox opened an indication of how Britain would rise post-Brexit stronger, fairer, more united and more outward-looking commonwealth when he called the Philippines to negotiate a commerce enter into negotiations withRodrigo Duerte, the Filipino president. Duerte has publicly inspired civilians to kill drug addicts, and lives the career dream Ive been secretly nurturing since primary school, namely that of becoming an international pariah. At the same age, Theresa May was in Saudi Arabia as part of a wider authority effort to shore up the UKs trading position after Brexit and, even though they are, declined to condemn the Saudi-led bombing in Yemen, even though it is estimated to have killed more than 10,000 civilians and displaced more than 3 million people. There is a real danger that, in our desperation to conclude trade transactions, respect for human rights, which is in every EU contract, will just go out of the window, enunciated senior Labour MP Harriet Harman. Yes, but with respect, Harriet, its alone remoaners like you who contribute a monkeys about foreigners human rights or lives when Britains trade deficit needs correcting.

Theresa May isnt a vicious difficult female

Not really. Yes, she did say: During the Conservative party leadership expedition, I was described by one of all my fellow members as a murderou difficult lady. And I mentioned at the time the next person to find that out will be Jean-Claude Juncker. But, just as the first the principles of the rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club, the first rule of being difficult is not to go on about it. Just do it. Talking about it aint gonna make it happen, girlfriend.

Oh,
Oh, Kate. How could you. Photograph: Gered Mankowitz/ Record Company Handout

The balmy eras of last November are over

Remember when everyone else favourite music-and-movement translator of Emily Bronts oeuvre, Kate Bush, announced that May is magnificent and the best thing thats happened to us in a long time? This was during the exhilarating hiatus before Mays disastrous referendum succes, after which she was obliged to ritually crawl up the Mall in leather trousers, murderous her hands and knees as passers-by whoosh: Whos strong and stable now, eh ?, to beg the Queen to earmark her to form the next government. At least thats how I remember it. By the ways and means of that hubristic electoral cataclysm, May surrendered a parliamentary majority in favour of being is under an obligation to suck up to a bunch of cheerless Ulster homophobes( no offence ) to preserve her and her cold-hearted, good-ideas-free crew in power( again no offence ), all the while testifying herself with every breaking-news story to be strong and unstable and temperamentally incapable to negotiate Brexit. How much side-eye am I yielding Kate Bush right now? So much.

The resulting EU negotiator does a creepy Dr Evil impersonation

Read Michel Barniers following remarks in a ominou accent while stroking an imaginary cat. If you like going in the mountains, you have to learn a certain number of rules, he announced, shortly after May had recalled from a walking tour of Snowdonia to announce a stupid snap ballot. You have to learn to put one foot in front of the other … You too have to look at what accidents might befall you You have to have stamina because it could be a long itinerary. Is it only me or did that sound like Moriarty obliquely questioning a death menace to Sherlock at the Reichenbach Falls? Is Barnier planning to kill our “ministers “ with an sparkler select as she trolls all over the Alps singing Happy Wanderer with her Woody Allen-clone of a spouse? Because thats how it announced to me.

How spooky is the EUs chief negotiator? In the olden days, the Sun would have mercilessly satirised his surname. Remember when they remained it to a former EU commission president with their Up yours, Delors! splash? But have they dared to announce him Barmy Barnier in 72 -point capitals? No, because he is very likely to employed a strike out on them as well, if they did. Hes just that intimidating.

Even the English communication is taking a punishment-beating, post-Brexit

Slowly but surely, English is losing its importance in Europe, suggested Juncker during a discussion in Italy last-place month. And he said the rest of his speech in French, precisely to fasten the phase. Indeed, Juncker can probably suppose I forged all those orgasms in each of the many EU languages. What a person!

Sympathy for Jean-Claude. If Juncker has any animus to this island nation, its in part because during the referendum safarus, our tabloids reported the insult that “his fathers” was a Nazi. It was unjust and disgusting, he told the FT. Just maybe, Britain is deriving what its post-truth hatemongers sowed. Thanks for that, tabloids.

Every occasion I write Brexit, the autocorrect changes it to Breast

This is the only good thing that has happened in politics in the past year.

Michael Gove is back

Lord, it was hard to write that last sentence. Wasnt the most wonderful act about Mays first administration that she had been able to bin him off? But months later, hes back as situation secretary, supporting, if nothing else, that May cant hold on to anything for long not a programme , not a parliamentary majority , not even a enmity. Just to review: she trenched two manifesto pledges in the Queens speech( legalising fox hunting and creating more grade school ), but produced her old-time adversary back into the cabinet. What a dithering regret she is. Although Ill say this for her: at the least she isnt Gove. Was it simply me who practically lost their dinner watching footage of Gove plodding down the street with a smug grin on his appearance when it was reproduced on Have I Got News for You last Friday? Of route it wasnt.

Amber
Amber Rudd. Picture: Hannah Mckay/ Reuters

The mention of Theresa Mays most probably successor is an anagram of Bad Murder

If May is overthrew the summer months either on a fissure above Klosters by some of Barmy Barniers ski-masked lackeys or, most likely, by the Conservative 1922 Committee then Amber Rudd is tipped replace her, even though the home secretary is about as fit for purpose as Joey Barton is for becoming a galctico . Still, at least she would be better than the evident buffoon that is Boris Johnson. Better Britain is helmed by PM Bad Murder than this gaffe-prone berk( Johnson lost his uniting ring within an hour of getting married ), inventor of excerpts( for which he was fired from the Times ), witless calumniser of scousers, witless calumniser of Papua New Guineans and most incompetent foreign ministers since Lord Halifax.

The Farage farago is, digits swept, over

There is good news. We never need use the phrase Strewth, Paul Nuttall is on the radio talking cobblers again, thanks to Ukips dismal electoral achievement. Plus, Farage, his predecessor, has realised his true vocation not acquiring the post-truth case for Brexit, but getting on his knees and smooching when in the vicinity of the 45 th US chairpeople possibly unspeakable derriere. He has called Trump amazing and superb and claimed that the president had some good beings behind him, such as Kellyanne Conway. You remember Conway, the aide who expended the term alternative information to apologize colleague Sean Spicers lies. Fine judge of character.

Its not only Theresa May who is doing an parody of Tigger unbounced

Reflecting on her partys ballot loss of 21 Westminster seats, Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP leader, seemed pleasingly glum as she conceded that her plans for the worlds worst neologism, Indyref2, were undoubtedly a factor in the disappointing ensues. Sturgeon had hoped for a second sovereignty referendum in 2019, so Scotland could elude the hard Brexit she feared Mays government would impose, like a sissy, sneaky Sassenach trick on her proud Braveheart-like parties, but, when she makes a statement next Tuesday on the question, shes likely to step back from that fanciful timetable.

They read Rhyl is very nice this time of year

Ever since the referendum upshot, the pound has been buying fewer euros or dollars and currency experts believe its appraise will remain in the long term at the least 10% below what it was this time last year. Which intends, apart from anything else, and altogether unacceptably, Im paying more for my Italian truffle oil than ever. Its also why Marmite overheads more, although, given that Marmite delicacies like a sweaty crotch mixed with beef obtain, I can live with that. One obvious corollary is that we must forget Florida, the Cte dAzur or Umbria this summer, and instead embrace the staycation, rediscovering our Churchillian bulldog flavour for crusading gulls for the last of our chips on windswept north Wales beaches as unstoppable cyclones wail in from the Irish Sea.

The difference between hard and soft clarified( finally !)

A hard Brexit would be likely to see the UK throw in full access to the single market and the customs union, with the bonus that we are capable of defer European Johnny Immigrants to cavity rummages at Stansted before rendering them on the next flight to Dsseldorf. By compare, soft Brexit would involve us getting inexhaustible quilted toilet rolls and cute puppies in exchange for acknowledging more immigrants than you can shake a stick at. Simply kidding. Soft Brexit means we might follow a same course to Norway, which is a member of the internal market and has to accept the free movement of parties as a result.

Which of these we get, hard or soft, is uncertain but, given that the EU negotiating team seems akin to a ruthless, spirited and enviably joined Jamaican 4×100 communicate unit and their British counterparts resemble a fractious, red-faced, bumbling PTA tug-of-war team called into action after wasting too much time in the school fete Pimms tent, I wouldnt be anticipating good news.

That said, let me request this: youve speak Karl Ove Knausgrds unstoppably self-indulgent multi-volume memoirs. Doesnt that put you off aspiring to mimic Norwegians? Me, too.

The rocky superhighway to Dublin just got rockier

May does she is committed to a frictionless, seamless mete between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. This, like other Maybot tropes such as Brexit intends Brexit, or strong and stable, or Im absolutely clear about this, represents less and less at the longer you think about it. If there is still no passport checks at the Irish border post-Brexit, Ireland could become a back entrance for EU immigrants wishing to come to the UK. That would make a mockery of Mays aim of get in-migration down to a sustainable level, which she defines as being below 100,000 a year. This is an aspiration she does she wants to fulfil, since it is one assignment she took from the Brexit vote. If passport checks are instituted at the Irish border, that would serve to undermine the Good Friday accordance, which purposed the Troubles virtually 20 years ago. Since then the border has become marvellously invisible rather than dotted with nervous, tooled-up squaddies in watchtowers, which was no way to carry on.

Its quite the moderately old-fashioned pickle, isnt it? There is an Irish story that is useful here. A operator questions a passerby how to get to Dublin. If I wished to go to Dublin, passes the respond, I wouldnt start from here.

Read more: www.theguardian.com


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