Theresa May can’t maintained a resentment- and 15 more happenings we’ve learned since we voted leave

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On Saturday, it will be a year since Britain committed the proverbial up yours to Jacques Delors. And what have we learned? That “theres only” a hard Brexit and David Cameron likes expensive sheds

One year ago today, we knew so little. A YouGov poll on referendum date last year prophesied a 52% to 48% persist win and even arch-Brexiter Nigel Farage, for a few moments, lost his insufferably oleaginous smirk as he conceded that it gazed like remain will fringe it. In the end, leave triumphed by 51.9% to 48.1% on a turnout of 71.8%, with more than 30 million people voting. And Nigel Farage got his unacceptable smile back. What have we learned in the following year?

David Cameron would prefer to write his doubtless moronic if well-remunerated memoirs in a wheeled Oxfordshire shed rather than negotiate Brexit

Cameron quit as PM the morning after the referendum when it became clear Britain had voted to leave the EU. And who are in a position blame him? His reassuringly expensive 25,000 shed has a wood-burning stove, dimmer swaps, sofa bed, sheeps fleece insularity and is coated in muted colours announced clunch, mouses back and old-time lily-white. By oppose, the EU negotiating team are semi-housetrained polecats even now spewing in French about chewing their opposite numbers genitals in some hellishly overheated conference room somewhere just awful like Brussels. Probably.

Buses lie

The slogan on the leave battlebus claimed that Brexit would relent 350 m a week for the NHS. Shortly after the referendum, one prominent leave campaigner, Iain Duncan Smith, pronounced: I never said that during the course of the election. The 350 m was an extrapolation of the 19.1 bn thats the total amount of money we returned across the European Union. What we are really answered was a significant quantity of it would go to the NHS. Not truly: leave safarus director Matthew Elliott tweeted during the referendum campaign: Makes cause our NHS the 350 m the EU takes every week. And that wasnt true: Britain had negotiated a reject, only 285 m a week. Nor was it clear that all EU fees could be channelled straight into health services. The preceding affirm of the leave expedition, then, was based on a inaccurate prospectus and may have led to the British people voting for something they might well have opposed if they had the facts. Just saying.

Jean-Claude
Jean-Claude Juncker. Photograph: Patrick Seeger/ EPA

There is only hard Brexit

The EU negotiating team has put all our stuff on the lawn and is shrieking from an upstairs opening that we were never that good in bottom anyway. What is I counterfeited all those orgasms in French or Polish? We had better find out because were going to be hearing that a lot in the next few months, as our menage with the EU comes to a bitter end. According to the European Commissions president, Jean-Claude Juncker, the departure legislation for the UK will be at least 60 bn( 52.7 bn ), while, according to reports in the Financial Times, EU negotiators had now been upped the greenback to 100bn, to deal post-Brexit farm fees and pays and admin fees in 2019 and 2020 when, if youll allow me some detonators lock outrage, WE WONT EVEN BE MEMBERS OF THE EU ANY MORE. How bitterly sarcastic: didnt we choose Brexit, in part, this is why we didnt have to subsidise economically unviable, probably drunk-off-their-asses French farmers, and faceless Brussels bureaucrats? You “know what i m thinking”? We perhaps did.

Our new copulates are international pariah

In the spring, the trade priest Liam Fox demonstrated an indication of how Britain would develop post-Brexit stronger, fairer, more united and more outward-looking person when he visited the Philippines to negotiate a swap deal withRodrigo Duerte, the Filipino president. Duerte has publicly helped civilians to kill drug addict, and lives the career dreaming Ive been privately encouraging since primary school, namely that of becoming an international pariah. At the same time, Theresa May was in Saudi Arabia as part of a wider authority effort to shore up the UKs trading position after Brexit and, even though they are, declined to condemn the Saudi-led bombing in Yemen, even though it is estimated to have killed more than 10,000 civilians and displaced more than 3 million people. There is a real danger that, in our desperation to conclude sell slews, respect for human rights, which is in every EU contract, will just go out of the window, alleged elderly Labour MP Harriet Harman. Yes, but with respect, Harriet, its only remoaners like you who afford a ape about foreigners human rights or lives when Britains trade deficit needs correcting.

Theresa May isnt a bloody difficult female

Not genuinely. Yes, she did say: During the Republican party leadership campaign, I was described by one of my colleagues as a blood difficult maiden. And I said at the time the next person to find that out is likely to be Jean-Claude Juncker. But, just as the first the principles of the rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club, the first rule of being difficult is not to go on about it. Just do it. Talking about it aint gonna make it happen, girlfriend.

Oh,
Oh, Kate. How could you. Photograph: Gered Mankowitz/ Record Company Handout

The balmy epoches of last-place November are over

Remember when everyone else favourite music-and-movement translator of Emily Bronts oeuvre, Kate Bush, was indicated that May is marvelous and best available concept thats happened to us in a long time? This was during the exhilarating hiatus before Mays disastrous election victory, after which she was obliged to ritually crawl up the Mall in leather trousers, bloody-minded her hands and knees as passers-by hissed: Whos strong and stable now, eh ?, to beg the Queen to earmark her to form the next administration. At least thats how I remember it. By the ways and means of that hubristic electoral catastrophe, May ceded a parliamentary majority in favour of being obliged to suck up to a bunch of cheerless Ulster homophobes( no offence ) to obstruct her and her cold-hearted, good-ideas-free crew in agency( again no offence ), all the while proving herself with every breaking-news story to be feeble and unstable and temperamentally incapable to negotiate Brexit. How much side-eye am I committing Kate Bush right now? So much.

The preceding EU negotiator does a creepy Dr Evil parody

Read Michel Barniers following observes in a malevolent accent while stroking an imaginary “cat-o-nine-tail”. If you like marching in the mountains, you have to learn a certain number of rules, he remarked, soon after May had recalled from a walking tour of Snowdonia to announce a stupid snap election. You have to learn to put one foot in front of the other … You also have to look at what accidents might befall you You have to have stamina because it could be a long itinerary. Is it exactly me or did that sound like Moriarty obliquely problem a extinction menace to Sherlock at the Reichenbach Falls? Is Barnier planning to kill our prime minister with an frost select as she trolls all over the Alps singing Joyous Wanderer with her Woody Allen-clone of a spouse? Because thats how it resounded to me.

How unnerving is the EUs chief negotiator? In the olden days, the Sun would have mercilessly satirised his surname. Remember when they stuck it to a former EU commission president with their Up yours, Delors! splashing? But have they dared to announcement him Barmy Barnier in 72 -point capitals? No, because he will probably placed a collision out on them as well, if they did. Hes just that intimidating.

Even the English communication is taking a punishment-beating, post-Brexit

Slowly but surely, English is losing its importance in Europe, suggested Juncker during a addres in Italy last-place month. And he said the rest of his speech in French, just to fasten the level. Certainly, Juncker are likely answer I faked all those orgasms in each of the many EU languages. What a guy!

Sympathy for Jean-Claude. If Juncker has any animus to this island commonwealth, its in part because during the course of its referendum safarus, our tabloids reported the innuendo that his father was a Nazi. It was unfair and disgusting, he told the FT. Just perhaps, Britain is reaping what its post-truth hatemongers broadcasted. Thanks for that, tabloids.

Every epoch I write Brexit, the autocorrect changes it to Breast

This is the only good happen that has happened in politics in the past year.

Michael Gove is back

Lord, it was hard to write that last sentence. Wasnt the most wonderful thought about Mays firstly administration that she had been able to bin him off? But months later, hes back as surrounding secretary, proving, if nothing else, that May cant hold on to anything for long not a program , not a parliamentary majority , not even a animosity. Just to review: she ditched two manifesto pledges in the Queens speech( legalising fox hunting and creating more grammar schools ), but produced her old-fashioned opponent back into the cabinet. What a dithering displeasure she is. Although Ill say this for her: at the least she isnt Gove. Was it only me who practically lost their dinner watching footage of Gove jogging down wall street with a smug grin on his appearance when it was reiterated on Have I Got News for You last-place Friday? Of direction it wasnt.

Amber
Amber Rudd. Image: Hannah Mckay/ Reuters

The mention of Theresa Mays most likely successor is an anagram of Bad Murder

If May is toppled this summer either on a crevasse above Klosters by some of Barmy Barniers ski-masked lackeys or, most likely, by the Conservative 1922 Committee then Amber Rudd is tipped supplant her, although there are the home secretary is about as is suitable for purpose as Joey Barton is for becoming a galctico . Still, at the least she would be better than the evident comic that is Boris Johnson. Better Britain is helmed by PM Bad Murder than this gaffe-prone berk( Johnson lost his wedding echoing within an hour of getting married ), inventor of quotes( for which he was fired from the Times ), witless calumniser of scousers, witless calumniser of Papua New Guineans and most inept foreign secretary since Lord Halifax.

The Farage farago is, fingers spanned, over

There is good news. We never need use the phrase Strewth, Paul Nuttall is on the radio talking cobblers again, thanks to Ukips dreary electoral recital. Plus, Farage, his predecessor, has realised his true job not constructing the post-truth example for Brexit, but getting on his knees and smooching when in the vicinity of the 45 th US chairwomen maybe appalling derriere. He has called Trump amazing and superb and claimed that the president had some good people behind him, such as Kellyanne Conway. You recollect Conway, the aide who exploited the expression alternative knowledge to vindicate colleague Sean Spicers lies. Fine judge of character.

Its not only Theresa May who is doing an parody of Tigger unbounced

Reflecting on her partys referendum loss of 21 Westminster seats, Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP leader, looked pleasingly glum as she conceded that her plans for the worlds worst neologism, Indyref2, were undoubtedly a factor in the disappointing results. Sturgeon had hoped for a second independence referendum in 2019, so Scotland could evade the hard Brexit she feared Mays government would inflict, like a sissy, sneaky Sassenach trick on her proud Braveheart-like people, but, when she makes a statement next Tuesday on the question, shes likely to step back from that fanciful timetable.

They allege Rhyl is very nice this time of year

Ever since the referendum decision, the pound has been buying fewer euros or dollars and currency experts believe its quality will remain in the long term at the least 10% below what it was this time last year. Which represents, apart from anything else, and wholly unacceptably, Im paying more for my Italian truffle petroleum than ever. Its also why Marmite costs more, although, bearing in mind the fact that Marmite flavors like a sweaty crotch motley with beef obtain, I can live with that. One obvious corollary is necessary forget Florida, the Cte dAzur or Umbria this summer, and instead embrace the staycation, rediscovering our Churchillian bulldog heart for pushing chumps for the last of our microchips on windswept north Wales beaches as unstoppable gales roar in from the Irish Sea.

The difference between hard and soft interpreted( lastly !)

A hard Brexit would be likely to see the UK give up full access to the single market and the customs union, with the bonus that we could submit European Johnny Foreigners to cavity explorations at Stansted before reverting them on the next flight to Dsseldorf. By compare, soft Brexit would entail us getting boundless quilted toilet rolls and cute puppies in exchange for declaring more immigrants than you have been able shake a stick at. Merely kidding. Soft Brexit means we might follow a similar course to Norway, which is a member of the single market and has to accept the free movement of beings as a result.

Which of these we get, hard or soft, is unsure but, given that the EU negotiating team seems akin to a ruthless, spirited and enviably joined Jamaican 4×100 relay unit and their British counterparts resemble a fractious, red-faced, bumbling PTA tug-of-war team called into action after investing too much time in the school fete Pimms tent, I wouldnt be anticipating good news.

That did, let me request this: youve read Karl Ove Knausgrds unstoppably self-indulgent multi-volume memoirs. Doesnt that put you off aspiring to emulate Norwegians? Me, too.

The rocky street to Dublin just got rockier

May suggests she is committed to a frictionless, seamless frontier between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. This, like other Maybot tropes such as Brexit intends Brexit, or strong and stable, or Im absolutely clear about this, makes less and less at the longer you think about it. If there remain no passport checks at the Irish border post-Brexit, Ireland could become a back door for EU immigrants wishing to come to the UK. That would make a disrespect of Mays aim of getting in-migration down to a sustainable degree, which she defines as being below 100,000 a year. This is an aspiration she suggests she wants to fulfil, since it is one assignment she took from the Brexit vote. If passport checks are instituted at the Irish border, that would serve to undermine the Good Friday agreement, which terminated the Troubles virtually 20 years ago. Since then the border has become marvellously invisible rather than flecked with nervous, tooled-up squaddies in watchtowers, which was no way to carry on.

Its fairly the reasonably old pickle, isnt it? There is an Irish story that is useful here. A motorist requests a passerby how to get to Dublin. If I wished to go to Dublin, comes the answer, I wouldnt start from here.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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