Theresa May can’t impounded a resentment- and 15 more events we’ve learned since we voted leave

On Saturday, it will be a year since Britain afforded the proverbial up yours to Jacques Delors. And what have we learned? That there is only a hard Brexit and David Cameron likes expensive sheds

One year ago today, we knew so little. A YouGov poll on referendum daylight last year predicted a 52% to 48% continue succes and even arch-Brexiter Nigel Farage, for a moment, lost his insufferably oleaginous smirk as he conceded that it examined like remain will rim it. In the end, leave won by 51.9% to 48.1% on a turnout of 71.8%, with more than 30 million people voting. And Nigel Farage got his unacceptable grin back. What have we learned in the following time?

David Cameron would prefer to write his doubtless moronic if well-remunerated memoirs in a wheeled Oxfordshire molted rather than negotiate Brexit

Cameron quit as PM the morning after the referendum when it became clear Britain had voted to leave the EU. And who are in a position blamed him? His reassuringly expensive 25,000 molted has a wood-burning stove, dimmer swaps, sofa bed, sheeps woolen isolation and is coated in muted tints called clunch, mouses back and old-time grey. By compare, the EU negotiating team are semi-housetrained polecats even now spewing in French about chewing their opposite number genitals in some hellishly overheated conference room somewhere just awful like Brussels. Probably.

Buses lie

The slogan on the leave battlebus claimed that Brexit would produce 350 m a week for the NHS. Shortly after the referendum, one prominent leave activist, Iain Duncan Smith, said: I never said that during the course of the election. The 350 m was an extrapolation of the 19.1 bn thats the total amount of money we contributed across the European Union. What we actually said was a significant amount of it would go to the NHS. Not genuinely: leave safarus director Matthew Elliott tweeted during the referendum campaign: Gives yield our NHS the 350 m the EU takes every week. And that wasnt true-life: Britain had negotiated a deduction, paying merely 285 m a few weeks. Nor was it clear that everything EU costs could be channelled directly into health services. The leading say of the leave safarus, then, was based on a false prospectus and may have led to the British people voting for something they might well have opposed if they had the facts. Just saying.

Jean-Claude
Jean-Claude Juncker. Photograph: Patrick Seeger/ EPA

“Theres only” hard Brexit

The EU negotiating team has put all our stuff on the lawn and is shrieking from an upstairs opening that we were never that good in couch anyway. What is I forged all those orgasms in French or Polish? We had better catch out because were going to be hearing that a lot in the next few months, as our menage with the EU comes to a bitter end. According to the European Commissions president, Jean-Claude Juncker, the exit invoice for the UK will be at least 60 bn( 52.7 bn ), while, according to reports in the Financial Times, EU negotiators have since upped the bill to 100bn, to encompas post-Brexit farm remittances and pays and admin fees in 2019 and 2020 when, if youll allow me some detonators lock outrage, WE WONT EVEN BE MEMBERS OF THE EU ANY MORE. How bitterly sardonic: didnt we select Brexit, in part, so we didnt “re going to have to” subsidise economically unviable, probably drunk-off-their-asses French farmers, and faceless Brussels bureaucrats? You just knowing that? We perhaps did.

Our brand-new mates are international pariah

In the spring, the transaction administrator Liam Fox handed an indication of how Britain would develop post-Brexit stronger, fairer, more united and more outward-looking person when he visited the Philippines to negotiate a swap deal withRodrigo Duerte, the Filipino president. Duerte has publicly fostered civilians to kill drug addict, and lives the career dream Ive been privately encouraging since elementary school, namely that of becoming an international pariah. At the same time, Theresa May was in Saudi Arabia as part of a wider authority great efforts to shore up the UKs trading position after Brexit and, even though they are, declined to condemn the Saudi-led bombing in Yemen, even though it is estimated to have killed more than 10,000 civilians and displaced more than three million people. There is a real danger that, in our desperation to conclude sell slews, respect for human rights, which exist in every EU contract, will just go out of the window, said elderly Labour MP Harriet Harman. Yes, but with respect, Harriet, its only remoaners like you who make a ape about natives human rights or lives when Britains trade deficit needs correcting.

Theresa May isnt a bloody difficult lady

Not genuinely. Yes, she did say: During the Conservative party leadership safarus, I was described by one of all my fellow members as a blood difficult dame. And I said at the time the next person to find that out will be Jean-Claude Juncker. But, just as the first the principles of the rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club, the first rule of being difficult is not to go on about it. Just do it. Talking about it aint gonna make it happen, girlfriend.

Oh,
Oh, Kate. How could you. Photograph: Gered Mankowitz/ Record Company Handout

The balmy dates of last November are over

Remember when everyones favourite music-and-movement interpreter of Emily Bronts oeuvre, Kate Bush, announced that May is excellent and best available happen thats happened to us in a long time? This was during the heady hiatus before Mays disastrous referendum win, after which she was obliged to ritually crawl up the Mall in leather trousers, murderous her hands and knees as passers-by hissed: Whos strong and stable now, eh ?, to beg the Queen to permit her to form the next government. At least thats how I remember it. By the ways and means of that hubristic electoral catastrophe, May ceded a parliamentary majority in favour of being obliged to suck up to a bunch of cheerless Ulster homophobes( no offence ) to hinder her and her cold-hearted, good-ideas-free crew in bureau( again no offence ), all the while testifying herself with every breaking-news story to be strong and unstable and temperamentally incapable to negotiate Brexit. How much side-eye am I granting Kate Bush right now? So much.

The extending EU negotiator does a creepy Dr Evil parody

Read Michel Barniers following statements in a ominou accent while stroking an imaginary feline. If you like strolling in the mountains, you have to learn a certain number of rules, he said, soon after May had recalled from a walking tour of Snowdonia to announce a stupid snap referendum. You have to learn to put one foot in front of the other … You likewise have to look at what accidents might befall you You have to have stamina because it could be a long street. Is it just me or did that definitely sounds like Moriarty obliquely questioning a death menace to Sherlock at the Reichenbach Falls? Is Barnier planning to kill our “ministers “ with an frost select as she trolls all over the Alps singing Happy Wanderer with her Woody Allen-clone of a spouse? Because thats how it resounded to me.

How terrifying is the EUs chief negotiator? In the olden days, the Sun would have mercilessly satirised his surname. Remember when they put it to a former EU commission president with their Up yours, Delors! splashing? But have they dared to announce him Barmy Barnier in 72 -point uppercases? No, because he will probably put a ten-strike out on them as well, if they did. Hes just that intimidating.

Even the English communication is taking a punishment-beating, post-Brexit

Slowly but surely, English is losing its importance in Europe, said Juncker during a addres in Italy last month. And he said the rest of his speech in French, only to fix the detail. Surely, Juncker can probably say I forged all those orgasms in each of the many EU languages. What a guy!

Sympathy for Jean-Claude. If Juncker has any animus to this island nation, its in part because during the referendum campaign, our tabloids reported the insult that “his fathers” was a Nazi. It was unjust and disgusting, he told the FT. Just perhaps, Britain is deriving what its post-truth hatemongers sowed. Thanks for that, tabloids.

Every experience I write Brexit, the autocorrect changes it to Breast

This is the only good stuff that has happened in politics in the past year.

Michael Gove is back

Lord, it was hard to write that last sentence. Wasnt the most wonderful concept about Mays first administration that she had been able to bin him off? But months later, hes back as medium secretary, demonstrating, if nothing else, that May cant hold on to anything for long not a programme , not a parliamentary majority , not even a grudge. Just to review: she trenched two manifesto pledges in the Queens speech( legalising fox hunting and creating more grammar school ), but produced her old-time antagonist back into the cabinet. What a dithering regret she is. Although Ill say this for her: at least she isnt Gove. Was it simply me who practically lost their dinner watching footage of Gove plodding down the street with a smug grin on his appearance when it was reiterated on Have I Got News for You last Friday? Of course it wasnt.

Amber
Amber Rudd. Photograph: Hannah Mckay/ Reuters

The epithet of Theresa Mays most probably successor is an anagram of Bad Murder

If May is collapsed this summer either on a crevasse above Klosters by some of Barmy Barniers ski-masked lackeys or, more likely, by the Reactionary 1922 Committee then Amber Rudd is tipped supersede her, even though the home secretary is about as is suitable for purpose as Joey Barton is for becoming a galctico . Still, at the least she would be better than the evident comic that is Boris Johnson. Better Britain is helmed by PM Bad Murder than this gaffe-prone berk( Johnson lost his marriage resounding within an hour of getting married ), inventor of references( for which he was fired from the Times ), witless calumniser of scousers, witless calumniser of Papua New Guineans and most incompetent foreign ministers since Lord Halifax.

The Farage farago is, paws intersected, over

There is good news. We never need use the term Strewth, Paul Nuttall is on the radio talking cobblers again, thanks to Ukips dire electoral execution. Plus, Farage, his predecessor, has realised his true occupation not stirring the post-truth action for Brexit, but getting on his knees and smooching when in the vicinity of the 45 th US chairmen maybe unspeakable derriere. He has called Trump amazing and superb and claimed that the president had some good beings behind him, such as Kellyanne Conway. You remember Conway, the aide who expended the expression alternative information to apologize colleague Sean Spicers lies. Fine judge of character.

Its is not simply Theresa May who is doing an parody of Tigger unbounced

Reflecting on her partys referendum loss of 21 Westminster seats, Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP leader, searched pleasingly glum as she conceded that her a blueprint for the worlds worst neologism, Indyref2, were undoubtedly a factor in the disappointing solutions. Sturgeon had hoped for a second independence referendum in 2019, so Scotland could elude the hard Brexit she feared Mays government would impose, like a sissy, sneaky Sassenach trick on her proud Braveheart-like parties, but, when she makes a statement next Tuesday on the question, shes likely to step back from that fanciful timetable.

They say Rhyl is very nice this time of year

Ever since the referendum develop, the pound has been buying fewer euros or dollars and currency experts believe its ethic will remain in the long term at least 10% below what it was this time last year. Which makes, apart from anything else, and absolutely unacceptably, Im compensating more for my Italian truffle petroleum than ever. Its also why Marmite rates more, although, given that Marmite savours like a sweaty crotch mixed with beef extract, I can live with that. One obvious corollary is that we must forget Florida, the Cte dAzur or Umbria this summer, and instead cuddle the staycation, rediscovering our Churchillian bulldog spirit for pushing gulls for the last of our chips on windswept north Wales beaches as unstoppable gales roar in from the Irish Sea.

The discrepancies between hard and soft showed( ultimately !)

A hard Brexit would be likely to see the UK throw in full access to the single market and the customs union, with the bonus that we could submit European Johnny Strangers to cavity investigations at Stansted before returning them on the next flight to Dsseldorf. By oppose, soft Brexit would necessitate us get limitless quilted toilet rolls and cute puppies in exchange for declaring more immigrants than they are able to shake a stick at. Merely kidding. Soft Brexit means we might follow a similar course to Norway, which is a member of the internal market and has to accept the free movement of parties as a result.

Which of these we get, hard or soft, is ambiguous but, bearing in mind the fact that the EU negotiating team seems akin to a ruthless, spirited and enviably joined Jamaican 4×100 communicate squad and their British counterparts resemble a fractious, red-faced, bumbling PTA tug-of-war team called into action after investing too much time in the school fete Pimms tent, I wouldnt be anticipating good news.

That said, let me ask this: youve speak Karl Ove Knausgrds unstoppably self-indulgent multi-volume memoirs. Doesnt that put you off aspiring to emulate Norwegians? Me, too.

The bumpy road to Dublin just got rockier

May says she is committed to a frictionless, seamless frontier between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. This, like other Maybot tropes such as Brexit represents Brexit, or solid and stable, or Im absolutely clear about this, signifies less and less at the longer you think about it. If there remain no passport checks at the Irish border post-Brexit, Ireland could become a back entrance for EU immigrants wishing to come to the UK. That would make a laughter of Mays aim of going migration down to a sustainable stage, which she defines as being below 100,000 a year. This is an aspiration she says she wants to fulfil, since it is one exercise she took from the Brexit vote. If passport checks are instituted at the Irish border, that would serve to undermine the Good Friday correspondence, which aimed the Troubles almost 20 years ago. Since then the border has already become marvellously invisible rather than speck with anxious, tooled-up squaddies in watchtowers, which was no way to carry on.

Its quite the jolly age-old pickle, isnt it? There is an Irish story that is useful here. A operator expects a passerby how to get to Dublin. If I wished to go to Dublin, comes the answer, I wouldnt start from here.

Read more: www.theguardian.com


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