Theresa May can’t braced a enmity- and 15 more events we’ve learned since we voted leave

On Saturday, it will be a year since Britain dedicated the proverbial up yours to Jacques Delors. And what have we learned? That there is only a hard Brexit and David Cameron likes expensive sheds

One year ago today, we knew so few. A YouGov poll on referendum period last year prophesied a 52% to 48% continue victory and even arch-Brexiter Nigel Farage, for a moment, lost his insufferably oleaginous grin as he conceded that it examined like continue will margin it. In the end, leave triumphed by 51.9% to 48.1% on a turnout of 71.8%, with more than 30 million people voting. And Nigel Farage got his unacceptable grinning back. What have we learned in the following year?

David Cameron would prefer to write his doubtless silly if well-remunerated memoirs in a wheeled Oxfordshire molted rather than negotiate Brexit

Cameron quit as PM the morning after the referendum when it became clear Britain had voted to leave the EU. And who are in a position blamed him? His reassuringly expensive 25,000 molted has a wood-burning stave, dimmer buttons, sofa bed, sheeps fleece insulation and is decorated in subdued subtleties announced clunch, mouses back and old grey. By oppose, the EU negotiating team are semi-housetrained polecats even now spitting in French about chewing their opposite number genitals in some hellishly overheated conference room somewhere just awful like Brussels. Probably.

Buses lie

The slogan on the leave battlebus claimed that Brexit would produce 350 m a few weeks for the NHS. Shortly after the referendum, one foremost leave campaigner, Iain Duncan Smith, said: I never “re just saying that” during the course of the election. The 350 m was an extrapolation of the 19.1 bn thats the total amount of fund we held in all the regions of the European union. What we actually said was a significant amount of it would go to the NHS. Not genuinely: leave safarus director Matthew Elliott tweeted during the referendum campaign: Makes cause our NHS the 350 m the EU takes every week. And that wasnt true-life: Britain had negotiated a dismis, compensating merely 285 m a few weeks. Nor was it clear that all EU costs could be channelled straight-shooting into health services. The guiding assert of the leave campaign, then, was based on a untrue prospectus and may have led to the British beings voting for something they might well have opposed if they had the facts. Just saying.

Jean-Claude Juncker. Photo: Patrick Seeger/ EPA

There is only hard Brexit

The EU negotiating team has put all our trash on the lawn and is screaming from an upstairs window that we were never that good in bottom regardless. What is I forged all those orgasms in French or Polish? We had better find out because were going to be hearing that a lot in the next few months, as our menage with the EU comes to a bitter end. According to the European Commissions president, Jean-Claude Juncker, the departure greenback for the UK will be at least 60 bn( 52.7 bn ), while, according to reports in the Financial Times, EU negotiators had now been upped the legislation to 100bn, to handle post-Brexit farm pays and fees and admin fees in 2019 and 2020 when, if youll allow me some caps lock outrage, WE WONT EVEN BE MEMBERS OF THE EU ANY MORE. How bitterly sardonic: didnt we prefer Brexit, in part, this is why we didnt “re going to have to” subsidise economically unviable, probably drunk-off-their-asses French farmers, and faceless Brussels bureaucrats? You just knowing that? We maybe did.

Our new teammates are international pariahs

In the springtime, the commerce minister Liam Fox opened an indication of how Britain would rise post-Brexit stronger, fairer, more united and more outward-looking nation when he saw the Philippines to negotiate a sell enter into negotiations withRodrigo Duerte, the Filipino president. Duerte has publicly helped civilians to kill drug addict, and lives the career dreaming Ive been privately fostering since grammar school, namely that of becoming an international pariah. At the same era, Theresa May was in Saudi Arabia as part of a wider authority effort to shore up the UKs trading position after Brexit and, while there, declined to condemn the Saudi-led bombing in Yemen, even though it is estimated to have killed more than 10,000 civilians and displaced more than 3 million people. There is a real danger that, in our desperation to conclude craft treats, respect for human rights, which exist in every EU contract, will just go out of the window, said senior Labour MP Harriet Harman. Yes, but with respect, Harriet, its alone remoaners like you who hold a monkey about strangers human rights or lives when Britains trade deficit needs correcting.

Theresa May isnt a vicious difficult maiden

Not truly. Yes, she did say: During the Republican party leadership campaign, I was described by one of my colleagues as a murderou difficult lady. And I said at the time the next person to find that out is likely to be Jean-Claude Juncker. But, just as the first the principles of the rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club, the first rule of being difficult is not to go on about it. Just do it. Talking about it aint gonna make it happen, girlfriend.

Oh, Kate. How could you. Photograph: Gered Mankowitz/ Record Company Handout

The balmy days of last-place November are over

Remember when everyone else favourite music-and-movement interpreter of Emily Bronts oeuvre, Kate Bush, announced that May is superb and best available concept thats happened to us in a long time? This was during the heady hiatus before Mays cataclysmic ballot win, after which she was obliged to ritually crawl up the Mall in leather trousers, bloodying her hands and knees as passers-by whoosh: Whos strong and stable now, eh ?, to beg the Queen to let her to form the next administration. At least thats how I remember it. By means of that hubristic electoral tragedy, May surrendered a parliamentary majority in favour of being obliged to suck up to a bunch of cheerless Ulster homophobes( no offence ) to stop her and her cold-hearted, good-ideas-free crew in part( again no offence ), all the while proving herself with every breaking-news story to be strong and unstable and temperamentally incompetent to negotiate Brexit. How much side-eye am I generating Kate Bush right now? So much.

The passing EU negotiator does a creepy Dr Evil parody

Read Michel Barniers following mentions in a malevolent accent while stroking an imaginary cat. If you like strolling in the mountains, you have to learn a certain number of rules, he said, soon after May had returned from a walking tour of Snowdonia to announce a stupid snap ballot. You have to learn to put one foot in front of the other … You likewise have to look at what accidents might befall you You have to have stamina because it could be a long direction. Is it only me or did that sound like Moriarty obliquely problem a extinction menace to Sherlock at the Reichenbach Falls? Is Barnier planning to kill our prime minister with an sparkler collect as she trolls around the Alps singing Glad Wanderer with her Woody Allen-clone of a marriage? Because thats how it voiced to me.

How terrifying is the EUs chief negotiator? In the olden days, the Sun would have mercilessly satirised his surname. Remember when they put it to a former EU commission president with their Up yours, Delors! sprinkle? But have they dared to see him Barmy Barnier in 72 -point uppercases? No, because he is very likely to employed a stumble out on them as well, if they did. Hes just that intimidating.

Even the English usage is taking a punishment-beating, post-Brexit

Slowly but surely, English is losing its importance in Europe, said Juncker during a lecture in Italy last month. And he said the rest of his speech in French, precisely to fix the object. Indeed, Juncker can probably say I faked all those orgasms in each of the many EU languages. What a guy!

Sympathy for Jean-Claude. If Juncker has any animus to this island commonwealth, its in part because during the course of its referendum safarus, our tabloids reported the innuendo that his father was a Nazi. It was unjust and disgusting, he told the FT. Just perhaps, Britain is deriving what its post-truth hatemongers broadcasted. Thanks for that, tabloids.

Every day I write Brexit, the autocorrect changes it to Breast

This is the only good thing that has happened in politics in the past year.

Michael Gove is back

Lord, it was hard to write that last sentence. Wasnt the most wonderful event about Mays firstly administration that she had been able to bin him off? But months later, hes back as environ secretary, testifying, if nothing else, that May cant hold on to anything for long not a programme , not a parliamentary majority , not even a bitternes. Just to review: she trenched two manifesto pledges in the Queens speech( legalising fox hunting and creating more grade school ), but introduced her age-old antagonist back into the cabinet. What a dithering misfortune she is. Although Ill say this for her: at the least she isnt Gove. Was it precisely me who roughly lost their dinner watching footage of Gove jogging down wall street with a smug grin on his appearance when it was echoed on Have I Got News for You last-place Friday? Of course it wasnt.

Amber Rudd. Image: Hannah Mckay/ Reuters

The call of Theresa Mays most probably successor is an anagram of Bad Murder

If May is toppled this summer either on a chasm above Klosters by some of Barmy Barniers ski-masked lackeys or, more likely, by the Conservative 1922 Committee then Amber Rudd is tipped oust her, although there are the home secretary is about as fit for purpose as Joey Barton is for becoming a galctico . Still, at the least she would be better than the evident comic that is Boris Johnson. Better Britain is helmed by PM Bad Murder than this gaffe-prone berk( Johnson lost his uniting ring within an hour of are married ), inventor of quotes( for which he was fired from the Times ), witless calumniser of scousers, witless calumniser of Papua New Guineans and most inept foreign secretary since Lord Halifax.

The Farage farago is, thumbs traversed, over

There is good news. We never need use the term Strewth, Paul Nuttall is on the radio talking cobblers again, thanks to Ukips dreadful electoral achievement. Plus, Farage, his predecessor, has realised his true vocation not constructing the post-truth suit for Brexit, but getting on his knees and smooching when in the vicinity of the 45 th US chairmen perhaps horrible derriere. He has called Trump amazing and superb and claimed that the president had some good parties behind him, such as Kellyanne Conway. You recollect Conway, the aide who employed the expression alternative information to apologize colleague Sean Spicers lies. Fine judge of character.

Its is not simply Theresa May who is doing an parody of Tigger unbounced

Reflecting on her partys election loss of 21 Westminster seats, Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP leader, gazed pleasingly glum as she conceded that her a blueprint for “the worlds” worst neologism, Indyref2, were undoubtedly a factor in the disappointing causes. Sturgeon had hoped for a second independence referendum in 2019, so Scotland could evade the hard Brexit she feared Mays authority would inflict, like a coward, sneaky Sassenach trick on her proud Braveheart-like parties, but, when she makes a statement next Tuesday on the question, shes likely to step back from that fanciful timetable.

They say Rhyl is very nice this time of year

Ever since the referendum upshot, the pound has been buying fewer euros or dollars and money experts believe its value will remain in the long term at the least 10% below what it was this time last year. Which symbolizes, apart from anything else, and totally unacceptably, Im paying more for my Italian truffle petroleum than ever. Its also why Marmite rates more, although, given that Marmite feelings like a sweaty crotch mixed with beef remove, I can live with that. One obvious corollary is that we must forget Florida, the Cte dAzur or Umbria this summer, and instead embrace the staycation, rediscovering our Churchillian bulldog flavor for opposing chumps for the last of our microchips on windswept north Wales beaches as unstoppable typhoons roar in from the Irish Sea.

The difference between hard and soft clarified( ultimately !)

A hard Brexit would be likely to see the UK throw in full access to the single market and the customs union, with the bonus that we are capable of submit European Johnny Natives to cavity searches at Stansted before recalling them on the next flight to Dsseldorf. By differ, soft Brexit would involve us getting limitless quilted toilet rolls and cute puppies in exchange for acknowledging more immigrants than you can shake a stick at. Merely kidding. Soft Brexit means we might follow a similar direction to Norway, which is a member of the internal market and has to accept the free movement of beings as a result.

Which of these we get, hard or soft, is ambiguous but, given that the EU negotiating team seems akin to a ruthless, spirited and enviably joined Jamaican 4×100 communicate crew and their British equivalents resemble a fractious, red-faced, bumbling PTA tug-of-war team called into action after investing too much time in the school fete Pimms tent, I wouldnt be anticipating good news.

That said, let me expect this: youve speak Karl Ove Knausgrds unstoppably self-indulgent multi-volume memoirs. Doesnt that put you off aspiring to emulate Norwegians? Me, too.

The bumpy street to Dublin just got rockier

May says she is committed to a frictionless, seamless margin between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. This, like other Maybot tropes such as Brexit necessitates Brexit, or strong and stable, or Im absolutely clear about this, necessitates less and less at the longer you think about it. If there remain no passport checks at the Irish border post-Brexit, Ireland could become a back door for EU immigrants wishing to come to the UK. That would make a mockery of Mays aim of going immigration down to a sustainable level, which she defines as being below 100,000 a year. This is an aspiration she says she wants to fulfil, since it is one lesson she took from the Brexit vote. If passport checks are instituted at the Irish border, that would serve to undermine the Good Friday agreement, which intention the Troubles nearly 20 years ago. Since then the border has already become marvellously invisible rather than dotted with apprehensive, tooled-up squaddies in watchtowers, which was no way to carry on.

Its quite the fairly old pickle, isnt it? There is an Irish story that is useful here. A motorist asks a passerby how to get to Dublin. If I wished to go to Dublin, comes the acknowledgment, I wouldnt start from here.

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