Theresa May can’t contained a bitternes- and 15 more stuffs we’ve learned since we voted leave

On Saturday, it will be a year since Britain dedicated the proverbial up yours to Jacques Delors. And what have we learned? That there is only a hard Brexit and David Cameron likes expensive sheds

One year ago today, we knew so few. A YouGov poll on referendum epoch last year prophesied a 52% to 48% continue succes and even arch-Brexiter Nigel Farage, for a moment, lost his insufferably oleaginous grin as he conceded that it examined like persist will edge it. In the end, leave prevailed by 51.9% to 48.1% on a turnout of 71.8%, with more than 30 million people voting. And Nigel Farage got his unacceptable grinning back. What have we learned in the following time?

David Cameron would prefer to write his doubtless ludicrous if well-remunerated memoirs in a wheeled Oxfordshire shed rather than negotiate Brexit

Cameron quit as PM the morning after the referendum when it became clear Britain had voted to leave the EU. And who can blamed him? His reassuringly expensive 25,000 molted has a wood-burning stave, dimmer swaps, sofa bed, sheeps wool isolation and is covered in softened tints announced clunch, mouses back and old-time white-hot. By oppose, the EU negotiating team are semi-housetrained polecats even now spitting in French about chewing their opposite numbers genitals in some hellishly overheated conference room somewhere just awful like Brussels. Probably.

Buses lie

The slogan on the leave battlebus claimed that Brexit would relent 350 m a few weeks for the NHS. Shortly after the referendum, one foremost leave campaigner, Iain Duncan Smith, supposed: I never said that during the course of such elections. The 350 m was an extrapolation of the 19.1 bn thats the total amount of money we established across the European union. What we actually told was a significant amount of it would go to the NHS. Not certainly: leave campaign administrator Matthew Elliott tweeted during the referendum campaign: Tells cause our NHS the 350 m the EU takes every week. And that wasnt true-life: Britain had negotiated a deduction, compensating simply 285 m a few weeks. Nor was it clear that everything EU fees could be channelled straight into health services. The passing declaration of the leave campaign, then, was based on a incorrect prospectus and may have led to the British beings voting for something they might well have opposed if the government has the facts of the case. Just saying.

Jean-Claude Juncker. Photo: Patrick Seeger/ EPA

There is only hard Brexit

The EU negotiating team has put all our material on the lawn and is yelling from an upstairs space that we were never that good in bottom anyway. What is I forged all those orgasms in French or Polish? We had better catch out because were going to be hearing that a lot in the next few months, as our menage with the EU comes to a bitter end. Harmonizing to the European Commissions president, Jean-Claude Juncker, the departure greenback for the UK will be at least 60 bn( 52.7 bn ), while, according to reports in the Financial Times, EU negotiators have since upped the greenback to 100bn, to covering post-Brexit farm payments and pays and admin fees in 2019 and 2020 when, if youll allow me some detonators lock outrage, WE WONT EVEN BE MEMBERS OF THE EU ANY MORE. How bitterly ironic: didnt we elect Brexit, in part, this is why we didnt “re going to have to” subsidise economically unviable, likely drunk-off-their-asses French farmers, and faceless Brussels bureaucrats? You just knowing that? We likely did.

Our brand-new teammates are international pariahs

In the springtime, the sell administrator Liam Fox gave an indication of how Britain would emerge post-Brexit stronger, fairer, more united and more outward-looking society when he called the Philippines to negotiate a busines is being dealt withRodrigo Duerte, the Filipino president. Duerte has publicly inspired civilians to kill drug addicts, and lives the career fantasy Ive been secretly encouraging since primary school, namely that of becoming an international pariah. At the same hour, Theresa May was in Saudi Arabia as part of a wider government effort to shore up the UKs trading position after Brexit and, even though they are, declined to condemn the Saudi-led bombing in Yemen, even though it is estimated to have killed more than 10,000 civilians and displaced more than 3 million people. There is a real danger that, in our desperation to conclude trade batches, respect for human rights, which is in every EU contract, will just go out of the window, told elderly Labour MP Harriet Harman. Yes, but with respect, Harriet, its only remoaners like you who pay a monkey about immigrants human rights or lives when Britains trade deficit needs correcting.

Theresa May isnt a bloody difficult female

Not really. Yes, she did say: During the Republican party leadership expedition, I was described by one of my colleagues as a blood difficult girl. And I did at the time the next person to find that out is likely to be Jean-Claude Juncker. But, just as the first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talking here Fight Club, the first the principles of the rule of being difficult is not to go on about it. Just do it. Talking about it aint gonna make it happen, girlfriend.

Oh, Kate. How could you. Photograph: Gered Mankowitz/ Record Company Handout

The balmy periods of last November are over

Remember when everyone else favourite music-and-movement translator of Emily Bronts oeuvre, Kate Bush, announced that May is marvelous and the best situation thats happened to us in a very long time? This was during the exhilarating hiatus before Mays cataclysmic election win, after which she was obliged to ritually crawl up the Mall in leather trousers, bloodying her mitts and knees as passers-by hissed: Whos solid and stable now, eh ?, to beg the Queen to earmark her to form the next administration. At least thats how I remember it. By means of that hubristic electoral tragedy, May surrendered a parliamentary majority in favour of being is under an obligation to suck up to a bunch of cheerless Ulster homophobes( no offence ) to remain her and her cold-hearted, good-ideas-free crew in place( again no offence ), all the while substantiating herself with every breaking-news story to be feeble and precarious and temperamentally incapable to negotiate Brexit. How much side-eye am I making Kate Bush right now? So much.

The guiding EU negotiator does a spooky Dr Evil parody

Read Michel Barniers following observes in a ominou accent while stroking an imaginary feline. If you like ambling in the mountains, you have to learn a certain number of rules, he remarked, soon after May had returned from a walking tour of Snowdonia to announce a stupid snap poll. You have to learn to put one foot in front of the other … You likewise have to look at what accidents might befall you You have to have stamina because it could be a long roadway. Is it only me or did that definitely sounds like Moriarty obliquely issuing a demise threat to Sherlock at the Reichenbach Falls? Is Barnier planning to kill our “ministers “ with an frost picking as she trolls around the Alps singing Glad Wanderer with her Woody Allen-clone of a marriage? Because thats how it reverberated to me.

How creepy is the EUs chief negotiator? In the olden days, the Sun would have mercilessly satirised his surname. Remember when they persisted it to a former EU commission president with their Up yours, Delors! splashing? But have they dared to request him Barmy Barnier in 72 -point capitals? No, because he is very likely to introduced a slam out on them as well, if they did. Hes just that intimidating.

Even the English communication is taking a punishment-beating, post-Brexit

Slowly but surely, English is losing its importance in Europe, did Juncker during a discussion in Italy last-place month. And he said the rest of his speech in French, only to fix the moment. Indeed, Juncker are likely do I faked all those orgasms in each of the many EU languages. What a person!

Sympathy for Jean-Claude. If Juncker has any animus to this island commonwealth, its in part because during the course of its referendum campaign, our tabloids reported the insult that his father was a Nazi. It was unfair and disgusting, he told the FT. Just possibly, Britain is deriving what its post-truth hatemongers broadcasted. Thanks for that, tabloids.

Every duration I write Brexit, the autocorrect changes it to Breast

This is the only good thing that has happened in politics in the past year.

Michael Gove is back

Lord, it was hard to write that last sentence. Wasnt the most wonderful situation about Mays first administration that she had been able to bin him off? But months later, hes back as situation secretary, demonstrating, if nothing else, that May cant hold on to anything for long not a plan , not a parliamentary majority , not even a animosity. Just to review: she ditched two manifesto pledges in the Queens speech( legalising fox hunting and creating more grade school ), but drew her age-old enemy back into the cabinet. What a dithering misfortune she is. Although Ill say this for her: at least she isnt Gove. Was it exactly me who roughly lost their dinner watching footage of Gove running down wall street with a smug grin on his look when it was reproduced on Have I Got News for You last Friday? Of track it wasnt.

Amber Rudd. Photo: Hannah Mckay/ Reuters

The epithet of Theresa Mays most probably successor is an anagram of Bad Murder

If May is unseated the summer months either on a crack above Klosters by some of Barmy Barniers ski-masked lackeys or, most likely, by the Conservatives 1922 Committee then Amber Rudd is tipped replace her, even though the minister of the interior is about as fit for purpose as Joey Barton is for becoming a galctico . Still, at the least she would be better than the evident buffoon that is Boris Johnson. Better Britain is helmed by PM Bad Murder than this gaffe-prone berk( Johnson lost his wedding ring within an hour of getting married ), inventor of quotations( for which he was fired from the Times ), witless calumniser of scousers, witless calumniser of Papua New Guineans and most inept foreign secretary since Lord Halifax.

The Farage farago is, fingers spanned, over

There is good news. We never need use the word Strewth, Paul Nuttall is on the radio talking cobblers again, thanks to Ukips dreary electoral accomplishment. Plus, Farage, his precede, has realised his true job not seeing the post-truth event for Brexit, but getting on his knees and smooching when in the vicinity of the 45 th US chairpeople probably horrible derriere. He has called Trump amazing and superb and claimed that the president had some good people behind him, such as Kellyanne Conway. You remember Conway, the aide who used the expression alternative details to apologize colleague Sean Spicers lies. Fine judge of character.

Its is not simply Theresa May who is doing an parody of Tigger unbounced

Reflecting on her partys referendum loss of 21 Westminster fannies, Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP leader, gazed pleasingly glum as she conceded that her plans for the worlds worst neologism, Indyref2, were undoubtedly a factor in the disappointing outcomes. Sturgeon had hoped for a second independence referendum in 2019, so Scotland could evade the hard Brexit she feared Mays authority would impose, like a sissy, sneaky Sassenach trick on her proud Braveheart-like people, but, when she makes a statement next Tuesday on the question, shes likely to step back from that fanciful timetable.

They speak Rhyl is very nice this time of year

Ever since the referendum make, the pound has been buying fewer euros or dollars and currency experts believe its value will remain in the long term at least 10% below what it was this time last year. Which entails, apart from anything else, and altogether unacceptably, Im more for my Italian truffle oil than ever. Its also why Marmite expenses more, although, considering the fact that Marmite flavours like a sweaty crotch mixed with beef extract, I can live with that. One obvious corollary is that we must forget Florida, the Cte dAzur or Umbria this summer, and instead espouse the staycation, rediscovering our Churchillian bulldog being for campaigning gulls for the last of our chippings on windswept north Wales beaches as unstoppable gales roar in from the Irish Sea.

The difference between hard and soft explained( ultimately !)

A hard Brexit would be likely to see the UK dispense with full access to the single market and the customs union, with the bonus that we are capable of submit European Johnny Immigrants to cavity pursuits at Stansted before reverting them on the next flight to Dsseldorf. By compare, soft Brexit would necessitate us getting inexhaustible quilted toilet rolls and cute puppies in exchange for acknowledging more immigrants than you can shake a stick at. Merely kidding. Soft Brexit means we might follow a same route to Norway, which is a member of the single market and has to accept the free movement of parties as a result.

Which of these we get, hard or soft, is unclear but, given that the EU negotiating team seems akin to a ruthless, spirited and enviably joined Jamaican 4×100 communicate squad and their British equivalents resemble a fractious, red-faced, bumbling PTA tug-of-war team called into action after investing too much time in the school fete Pimms tent, I wouldnt be anticipating good news.

That alleged, let me expect this: youve read Karl Ove Knausgrds unstoppably self-indulgent multi-volume memoirs. Doesnt that put you off aspiring to mimic Norwegians? Me, too.

The rocky road to Dublin just got rockier

May mentions she is committed to a frictionless, seamless border between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. This, like other Maybot tropes such as Brexit symbolizes Brexit, or solid and stable, or Im absolutely clear about this, entails fewer and less at the longer you think about it. If there remain no passport checks at the Irish border post-Brexit, Ireland could become a back door for EU immigrants wishing to come to the UK. That would make a mockery of Mays aim of get in-migration down to a sustainable stage, which she defines as being below 100,000 a year. This is an aspiration she says she wants to fulfil, since it is one lesson she took from the Brexit vote. If passport checks are instituted at the Irish border, that would serve to undermine the Good Friday agreement, which resolved the Troubles nearly 20 years ago. Since then the border has already become marvellously invisible rather than scattered with anxious, tooled-up squaddies in watchtowers, which was no way to carry on.

Its quite the reasonably old pickle, isnt it? There is an Irish story that is useful here. A operator expects a passerby how to get to Dublin. If I wished to go to Dublin, succeeds the reply, I wouldnt start from here.

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