The Excellent ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read, Week 1 Night 1: Iggy Doesn’t Even Go Here


Well fam, we acquired it. After a sexual assault scandal, a creation shutdown, and countless suicide threats by me rumors, we somehow cleared it to the season four premier. I for one cannot conceive I am writing this recappartially because Ive never done it before, and partially because I cannot is argued that after shitting on this dealership for like, a month directly and personally avowing to boycott a see Ive never watched before regardles, here I am. I have reached a brand-new tier of detesting myself. I’m kind of proud? IDK.

We seem to cut right to the chase and open with audio of news programmes treating the gossip, because ABC truly has no chill.

Chris Harrison: Yes, there was trouble in Paradise I’m not saying ABC completely made up a whole fornication gossip so Chris Harrison could use that pun, but I’m also not saying that.

We start with the 2.5 days of filming before the shutdown.

Chris: I know I ever say this is going to be the most scandalou and dramatic season yet but this time I truly make it yall, we fabricated dealt with a copulation scandal to bring you this.

One question remains: Why is Iggy here?

All of Bachelor Nation to Iggy 😛 TAGEND

Im glad that Alexis has fully cuddled her Left Shark alter ego.

Raven reels up like, I think its my turn to find love. And by love I represent orgasms.

Dean wheels up second, so brb while I change my panties.

Kristina rolls up next and I am adoring those spotlights. Girl, DM me your stylist. Next is Danielle M with a fresh colour jobshes really going for current Stassi in terms of hair colorand a new duo of boobs.

Ben Z comes in next, and I believe I speak for all of us when I say, “Who ?? “

Ben immediately starts going on about his puppies. Dude, this isnt Bumble. That shits not gonna hover here.

Iggy literally RUNS in and practically tackles Dean. Again, get this buster outta here. Do not throb my boo. But I gotta hand it to Iggys publicist for going the most irrelevant buster on Rachels season a gig on this reveal. Like literally even Whaboom would have become more sense.

Jasmine comes in like I cant wait to see Rachels busters because I know theyll be interested in someone who consider this to be me. Like, just say pitch-black. You can say it.

Watching DeMario show up to this house all optimistic and lying about how hes looking for Mrs. Jackson is very unnerving. He finally prepares the Lexie bullshit straight-shooting by declaring what we were saying the whole period: homegirl was only the side bitch who got too attached.

DeMario: I want them to see a different side of me because Im a good guy. Im like the sweetest guy in the world and Id love to fall in love.

Wow, this damages. Not sure whether to give the ABC editors an Emmy for this ironic slashed or doxx them.

DeMario: Im all about vibes and having fun

^ Announcing like every grey girlfriend at Coachella

Derek reels up like Im from JoJos season, youd recollect me as the one that hollered. Like dude, I dont recollect you at all.

Drink every time DeMario says hes looking for his next Mrs. Jackson. Like first of all, has there been a first Mrs. Jackson? Aaaaand now I have Outkast stuck in my head.

Make Paradise Corinne Again Its no Make America Corinne Again, but Ill take it.

Corinne is up here saying she doesn’t have a boyfriend! Holy shit. Mortal record that, were gonna require that receipt later.

Iggy: Corinne is already the life of the party and Im the life of the party so I think were going to get along.

Im sorry, what party is Iggy the life of? I could see him being a party in a suit, but that’s about it.

Dean attracts Kristina aside immediately and is like, You have a fucking crazy family and so do I! Its true love, kids.

Lacey aka self-proclaimed Camel girl shows up and everyones like 😛 TAGEND

Again, gotta give props to this girlfriends publicist. You literally travel up on a camel and still , nothing recollects you. That’s gotta sting.

Shit, Diggy came through so thats my second underwear change for the nighttime. If Kenny comes Im a goner. Just reminding you now.

Corinne: As I told you on Nicks season Im not making any gestures. The guy has to represent the gestures.
Too Corinne:* Literally jumps into DeMarios forearms*

Jasmine is still out here saying I would maybe render DeMario the rose since we are look alike. Again, youre allowed to say hes black! I’m not gonna call Tomi Lahren on you. We’re all friends here.

Matt comes in in his penguin costume.

Matt: Some parties might recollect me as the penguin, other beings might recollect me as the person who induced it to nearly the very end despite never speaking.

And Nick comes in in a Santa costume. I’m sorry, is this Halloween? Likewise am I on crack, or does Matt look like every NYC sanitation worker? What is special about this person? Has anyone else noticed that receding hairline? How did he make it this far into the Bachelor franchise ?? I have so many questions.

Jasmines still talking about people like Nicks cute but I typically time people with dark “hairs-breadth”. Dark, dark HAIR. “Hair”. Okay.

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