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18 Tales That Establish What Human Consider Normal Is Actually Very Strange

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There is a collective of Tumblr customers who are very concerned about what would immigrants would think of humans if they had the chance to interact with us. It may be a strange circumstance to speculate about, but it is definitely an superb writing stimulate. A few of these strange knowledge have decided to write floors about alien reactions to the things that draw us human. Spoiler alert: according to extraterrestrial beings, humen are pretty weird. So naturally, if there’s no other planet in the galaxy with same climate and biological diversity, aliens are in for a huge amaze! Scroll below to read floors about perhaps the weirdest species on the galaxy.( Facebook cover image: Rev Stan)

# 1

crazy-pages said :

Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfy temperature series is? ”

Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -4 0 to 50 Celcius, but we wish the 0 to 30 range.”

Alien: “ ……. I’m sorry, did you only register temperatures below freezing? ”

Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”

Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this person in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and shoulders until the information was -2 0 at least.”

Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”

Alien: “ ……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to simmer? ”

Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god are contributing to if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”

Alien: “ ……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”

val-tashoth said:

Alien: “You’re telling me that you have … settlements. On islands with active volcanism? ”

Human: “Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a sightseer attraction.”

Alien: “What, the molten stone? ”

Human: “Well, yeah! It’s not every day you understand a mountain spew out liquid rock-and-rolls! The good one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano-”

Alien: “You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES? ”

Human: “S ** t, husband, we swim in the groundwater near them.”

the-grand-author said :

Alien: “And you say the spars of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with air shivering? ”

Human: “Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other date just about.”

Alien: “Amazing! when did you manage to send drones who are able to exist such temperatures? ”

Human: “ … well, actually…”

Alien: “ … what? ”

Human: “…we kinda ……. sent……….. people…..”

Alien: “…”

Human: “…”

Alien: “…what? ”

Human: “we sent-”

Alien: “no yeah I heard you I just- what? You mailed … Humen … to a place one hundred magnitudes below freezing? ”

Human: “y-yeah”

Alien: “and they didn’t … die? ”

Human: “Well the first few did”

Alien: “PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE ???!?!?!? ”

arcticfoxbear said :

My brand-new favorite Humen are Weird quote

Alien: “PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE? ”

aka The History of Russia

aka Arctic Exploration

aka The History of Alaska

# 2

radioactivepeasant said :

It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the creepy ones” fit sometimes, if you look at it another way, humen might seem like the absurdly friendly or strange ones.

I mean, who looked at an elephant, giant beast thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and concluded “I’m gonna ride on that circumstance! ”?

And set a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong fortune of said human shrieking “PUPPY! ” and establishing humorous interaction with it.

And what about the people who look at whales, big than mostly everything else, and end “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger sidekicks! ”

Heck, for all we are familiar with, humen might run into the scariest, toughest immigrants out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug’ em.”

“Why ?! ”

“I dunno. I gotta hug’ em.”

And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a knot of big-hearted unnerving friends.

adrenaline-revolver said :

“Commander, “were supposed to” modernize the code of conduct to include the humans.”

“Why? Are they most aggressive than we anticipated? ”

“It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their side when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown nature. Their reaction to the attack was to call the mortal a “mean kitty” and commit to win it over. Upon research, it seems they bond so quickly with people outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien man they have never seen before plainly because it shows distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.”

“I picture what you represent. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown swine without allow from a superior polouse. And send a message to equips about collecting one of the following options “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated.

talkingbirdguy said :

Let’s be honest, the humans would discount the blaze outta that regulation whenever alone.

beka-tiddalik said:

“So I hear that you’ve simply banked a human for your ship.”

“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve is cooperating with these species, but “theyre coming” highly recommended. Say, you’ve is cooperating with a few, what tip-off can you gives people? I’d hate to have some sort of cultural misconstrue if it’s avoidable.”

“The first rule of working with humen is to never leave them unsupervised.”

“Wait, what? ”

“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”

“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board? ”

“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are superb innovators and are psychologically exceedingly resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded with your crews properly can be invaluable. Plow your human shaft and you are able to get the best out of them as a gang member. Their ability to get on with virtually any species is legendary.”

“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”

“The trouble is that they will potentially try to attachment with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of difficulty they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”

“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia? ”

“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humor. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”

“A Dunlip? You mean the 3-metre tall apex piranhas from Jowun? ”

“Yup. Don’t leave your humen unsupervised.”

“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”

uristmcdorf said:

“Seriously. Get a furnish of safe animals for the humans to alliance with or they will make their own. I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent babies they can get … innovative. Don’t even get me started on the time one of them videotapeed a spear to one of our auto-cleaners and identified it Stabby.

Three weeks in and when we finally caught the wretched event, half the humans on gang is seeking to revolt about us “killing” Stabby by removing the knife.

“How … how did you resolve that sir? ”

“Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and buckled that on instead. Quite a imaginative answer, I suppose.”

“And that sated the human rights?

“Worse.”

“Worse? ”

“They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped untrue gazes on springs to both and supported mock combats. Then ended Stabby and Knifey were in love and now nothing of them will allow the others to stage fights between them any more.”

foxmartini said:

“So, if I render my Humans with safe bonding pets they will behave better when on other planets? Where do I get safe bonding domesticateds? ”

“Realizing the carnage their species created with their bonding requires, Earth has been kind enough to create an intergalactic’ pet’ shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge.”

“If they get a domesticated this should prevent any bayonet welding auto-cleaners? ”

“Yes…”

“You don’t sound very reassuring.”

“Well … You have to understand that some of what humen find attractive about their’ pets’ is actually what induces them dangerous. Not all of what the hell is consider’ safe’ is what we would consider’ safe’.”

“OK … I am going a little nervous about this.”

“No , no, it’s fine, I’m just saying you should perhaps keep an eye on what the hell is order. Question them to describe the soul before they get it. For illustration, the first time I had a human on board I make them prescribe a baby without checking what it was.”

“What happened? ”

Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline character called a Savannah Cat. My entire gang was panicked of it, it was agile and is likely to be have seriously injured someone, but the human rights “havent had” dread of it. They insisted on carrying it around like small children, and they are able to mash it’s’ beans’ as “theyre saying”, forcing the animals claws out, and then they are able to be shown it’s deadly claws while saying, and I quote,’ look at its cute claws, this is what it uses to kills stuffs, isn’t it cute? ’“

“Seriously? ”

“I have also heard storeys from other gangs that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sleep next to the monstrous creature.”

“You are not reaching me feel better with these stories…”

# 3

rustfoxes said :

More “wtf are humen, please leave the rest of us be” material:

Human reactions to fear!

No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one recognize and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.

Like singing.

Idk how many of you have watched people play fright video games, but a surprising sum of parties start chronicling what’s going on in a sing-song voice.

Imagine being an alien, moving in a terrifying, dark passageway with these odd gangly beasts, you’re all frightened out of your humours and then one of them starts f ** prince singing.

In a darknes cave. While everyone’s terrified.

“~ We are all gonna f ** lord croak, this is terrible and I wanna lead hooooome~ ”

# 4

nightmare3 614 said :

I’ve been reading a lot of these “humans are room orcs” posts and that got me thinking…

Imagine that you’re the only human in youre gang. Youre crew is getting attacked by pirates and they start shooting missiles with a lethal essence in it. None of youre crewmembers is getting hit, but one projectile touches you. The whole crew is freaking out and bellowing “Oh no, our human is dying! ”

But you don’t feel like you’re be killed. You feel energetic and hyperactive. You manage to blurt out “ohmygodifeelawesomewhatwasinthosedarts ?!? ” And one crewmember simply stares at you like you lost youre knowledge and says “that … that was caffeine”

And then you invest the next hour running in cyrcles and hollering “WEEEEEEEEE” while your crewmembers slowly start to whish that these darts had killed you.

# 5

arafaelkestra said :

To paraphrase one of my favorite flecks of a’ humans are awesome’ myth megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the concepts of Earth being Space Australia.

# 6

sepulchritude said :

My fav trope is like , nonhuman attributes not understanding human necessaries/ usages but still being super supportive of their human companion

“look what I observed while exploring this planet’s surface! ” “kilrak please I’m trying to sleep” “ah yes your human circadian rhythm.* stage whispering* I am supposed to be quiet during this time in your tempo, yes? ”

“the book I acquired on ragnok V says humen involve physical suggestion when disturbance. hence, I shall engage in a’ hug’ with you.”* supremely awkward five-armed hug ensues*

* human sneezes* “OH MY GOD SIL’EEN GET THE MEDIC OUR HUMAN IS DYING”

“this pamphlet I received recently says that humans compel companions and packmates in the form of small-minded globe souls. you should have told me this before we varied world, but it is no perturb. we will have to stop at the next commerce planet to get you one of these’ cats’ or’ dogs’.”

agentquinn said:

imagine the foreigners genuinely purchasing a kitten for one of their rough and world-weary scifi badass human companions and watching in helpless wonderment what follows

“she’s been cuddling that small-time animal for the past fifteen minutes just going’ kitty-cat, kitty’. did we – did we interrupt our human? ”

a more seasoned immigrant sets one of their tentacles around the younger one as the rest of the team reaps to watch their human acquire kissy interferences.

“no, kilrak, ” the alien says. “we did good.”

frowningfoxbones said:

“Human-Steve! I have heard that today is the commemoration of your hatching! According to my human culture circular, it is customary to situated a sugary pastry on fire while singing your species’ raise charm and presenting sacrifices wrap in glossy newspaper. I am afraid to ask, in case this ritual is sacred and this asking therefor insensitive … but may I be allowed to participate? It voices much more mesmerizing than molting.”

anexperimentallife said:

“Human Steve, I have read about your ritual move announced’ The Hokey Pokey, ’ played predominantly at mate-bonding observances after the guests reach an hoisted rank of delirium. But Human Steve, how do I know WHICH left foot to put in, put out, and shake all about? I do not … Human Steve, why are you chuckling? ”

captainarwenpond2 21 b said :

“Human-Steve, you are … you are eating, but it is not one of your ritual fueling epoches. Are you croaking? Is everything alright? Have you not been receiving enough sustenance? Do I need to get you better things to eat? Human-Steve, why are you trying to hide that nutrient? ”

rinneavicula said :

“Human-Steve, my research has informed me of a grave oversight in your care that I, as your companion, have obligated! Thus, I have met accumulations of imaginary human literature to read aloud at the time of your bunk. Which is more to your partiality: “The Care and Keeping of Cacti” or “1 001 Crossword Puzzles? ” Human-Steve? Human-Steve, I am serious.“

# 7

thefauxfox said:

Another humans are funny/ space orcs mind that came to me when attempting to drink water upside down:

Humans are apex predators. We’re unbreakable and relentless and legion and lethal. Nothing gets to us- except us.

It’s the stupidest interesting thing that can stop up a human.

Many immigrants have theorized about this. Perhaps with no natural antagonists, the species tried to threaten them with themselves in a frantic search for some kind of challenge. Perhaps it’s cosmic karma for being nigh unstoppable. Maybe they had transcended so much that the subtleties of life were minuscule and incomprehensible to them. Perhaps it’s natural selection trying to thin the herd.

Whichever the case, it’s a strange combining of disturbing and amusing to realize a human be defeated by itself. It’s a little fearing to receive “the worlds largest” resilient and powerful species in the universe are totally shut down with stuffs that pale in comparison to their ordinary challenges.

Seeing a human operate almost completely fully with various busted bones … but perfectly maimed and reduced to using one forearm when faced with a large hangnail.

My dad violated his leg in a snowmobile accident in this way that the bone was sticking out of his leg. He crawled a half mile in the snow to the nearest house to ask for help. But where reference is stubs his toe on the coffee table every few weeks, it’ll raising him to his knees.

I recently got a doubled conch piercing done- two massive needles jostle through the thickest cartilage in my ear, one right after the other. I’ve get 5 other thrusts. Nothing , not even the conch, hurt as much as going a single mane pulled out of my head.

I recognize beings gobble some of the world’s hottest nutrients all fastened with capsaicin which can kill situations, and suck alcohol that’s literally poisonous, and smash pen clients with their teeth. But a too cold slush booze? Unable to talk or move, front between the knees, for about two minutes, because mentality frost. Or, better hitherto, sometimes we literally choke on spit. Nearly asphyxiate. Because we regularly’ swallow down the wrong hole’.

Alien: Why did you say, last-place month, that your ruined ribs and forearm and massive blood loss was’ fine’, but when you got a newspaper slashed today, you scream for ten minutes and now still refuse to unwrap your curve? It is minuscule in comparison to some things that you’ve faced without hesitation.

Human: Candidly it’s so stupid and I don’t really know, but I will swear up and down and until the working day I succumb, a broken bone hurts way less than a article cut.

Alien: But … no. It’s not worse. It … that doesn’t make sense.

Human: I know, right? But it’s true.

# 8

arcticfoxbear said:

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the bizarre ones? ” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me guessing. Earth is a wonky situate, the axis tilts, the path wobbles, and the dirt spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what realise humans funny is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these milds, Mediterranean climates with no seasons , no tectonic illustrations, and no intense climate?

What if several species( including humen) land on a world and the human rights are all “SCORE! Globe like world-wide! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed! ” And countries around the world starts offing the other immigrants right and left, electric gales, hypothermia, hurricanes and the humans are just … there … counting seconds between flashings, having snowball engages, and only surviving.

# 9

therainbowgorilla said:

“Don’t-” the human prisoner complained as the squad president slowly approached a small group of swimming fowl in a nearby pond.

“Silence, ” the lead prescribed, gradually creeping towards the group. Suddenly, they pounced on one of the souls, grabbing it in their hands as it departed the pond.

Then everything went to hell.

In an instantaneou, the chick assaulted, together with the ones around it.

The beings moved fast, almost a blur as they hen-peck away at the commander, hooting loudly. The residue of the immigrant gang was just thinking about helping, but were much too frightened.

The fowls didn’t stop their pecking assault until the squad governor was hemorrhaging and no longer moving.

The rest of the aliens grabbed the human and ran for their f ** king lives.

“What were those? ” the human was later asked.

“Geese.”

#10

space-ace-in-the-space-race said :

Okay, so running off the whole space Australia thing, see foreigners would think of ACTUAL AUSTRALIA. Humen are batshit maniac, we do some crazy shit, but a respectable amount of us are shocked by the mere thought of living in Australia. That lieu is no joke, it’s a fatality net of a continent that somehow became a badass country. You don’t f ** k with Australia.

Alien: what is a kangaroo?

Human: oh, it’s an animal from Australia. They hop-skip around and the carry their kids in containers. They may be cute, but don’t get them enraged, they can kill you.

The…the human is actually Forewarned them of something? The human is AFRAID?

Human: that’s exactly Australia for you, though. Literally, EVERYTHING on that continent can kill you, so I guess it’s not THAT off. Be careful if you ever go to Australia, though. It’s a very dangerous place.

And this all of the foreigners eschew Australia at all costs because if the f ** ruler HUMANS are intimidated then it must be the most dangerous and startling lieu ever.

#11

bogleech said :

It’s funny how science fiction universes so often plow humans as a boring, default everyman species or even the weakest and dumbest.

I want to see a sci-fi world where we’re actually considered one of the more hideous and startling species.

How do we know our saliva and surface oils wouldn’t be ultra-corrosive to most other sapient hastens? What if we really have the strongest vocal cords and can paralyze or kill the inhabitants of other worlds simply by screaming at them? What if most sentient life in the universe will prove to be vegetable-like and is living in anxiety of us uncommon “animal” hastens who can move so quickly and munch shit up with our teeth?

Like that old story “they’re made of meat, ” only we’re scarier.

mikhailvladimirovich said:

HOLY SHIT THEY EAT CAPSAICIN FOR FUN

YOU GUYS I Discovered A HUMAN ONCE ATE AN AIRPLANE.

A HUMAN CAN KEEP FIGHTING FOR HOURS EVEN AFTER YOU SHOOT IT

humans are a proud warrior race with a pantheon of vicious divinities: Ram-Bo, Schwarzenegger, etc.

REMOVING A LIMB WILL NOT FATALLY INCAPACITATE HUMANS: ALWAYS DESTROY THE HEAD.

WARNING: Humen CAN See YOU EVEN AT NIGHT BY TRACKING VIBRATIONS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE

WARNING: HUMANS CAN Replicate AT A RATE OF 1 PER SPACE YEAR. DESTROY INFESTATIONS IMMEDIATELY

THE HUMAN MOUTH HAS OVER THIRTY OUTCROPS OF BONE AND POWERFUL JAW MUSCLES.

HUMAN BITES CAN BE FATALLY INFECTIOUS EVEN TO OTHER HUMANS

WARNING: HUMANS CAN AND WILL USE IMPROVISED WEAPONS. SEE CLASSIFIED DATA LABELED J. CHAN.

HUMANS CAN PROJECT BIOWEAPONS FROM ALMOST EVERY ORIFICE ON THEIR BODY. DO NOT INHALE

OH GOD THE HUMANS FIGURED OUTDOOR HANDLES OH GOD OH GOD

prokopetz said :

More seriously, humans do have a number of advantages even among Terrestrial life. Our tenacity, scandalize fight, and ability to recover from trauma is absurdly high-pitched compared to almost any other animal. We often use the phrase “healthy as a horse” to signify heartiness – but compared to a human, a mare is as fragile as spun glass. There’s mounting proof that our primitive ancestors would hunt large-scale prey plainly by following it at a sauntering speed, without sleep or residue, until it croaked of exhaustion; it’s announced seek predation. Basically, we’re the Terminator.

( The only other animal that can kind of keep abreast with us? Hounds. That’s why we use them for hunting. And even then, it’s only “sort of” .)

Now extrapolate that to a galaxy in which most sapient life did not evolve from hyper-specialised pursuing predators:

Our strength and rapidity is nothing to write home about, but we don’t need to overtake or outdistance you. We simply be required to outlast you – and by any other species’ touchstones, we just plain don’t get tired.
Where a simple separated leg will cause most species to go into collapse and die, we can removed from almost any hurt that’s not immediately fatal. Even painful dismemberment isn’t necessarily a career-ending injury for a human.
We heal from injuries with extreme rapidity, recovering in weeks from wraps that would take others months or years to heal. The results aren’t pretty – humans have hyperactive scar tissue, among our other survival-oriented mannerisms – but they’re highly functional.
Speaking of scarring, look at our medical science. We developed surgery centuries before developing even the most rudimentary anesthetics or life supporter. In extermis, humen have been known to perform surgery on themselves – and survive. Thanks to our extreme heartiness, we regard as routine medical procedures what most other species would regard as inventive forms of assassinate. We even play-act revolutionary surgery on ourselves for exclusively cosmetic reasons.
In essence, we’d be Space Orcs.

astrakiseki said :

I do hope you realize I’m going to be picking up this trash and extending with it right?

friendlytroll said :
Our jaws have too many TEETH in them, so we developed a course to WELD METAL TO OUR TEETH and FORCE THE BONES IN OUR JAW to restructure over the course of years to fit them back into chassis, and then we continue to wear metal in out mouths to keep them in place.

We modelled cohabitative relationships with tiny mammals and insects we keep at bay from vexing us by death, often utilizing little analouge captures.

And by divinity, we will snacked anything.

siderealsandman said :

We use borderline toxic peppers to season our food.
We expose ourselves to potentially lethal solar radiation in the course of carrying out shading our surface.
We risk hearing loss for the opportunity to see our favorite musicians live.
We have a game where two parties get into an enclosed arena and smack each other until season runs out/ one of them pass out
We happily jump out of planes with exclusively a flimsy fragment of cloth to prevent us from splattering against the ground.
Our response to event of natural disasters is to precisely rebuild our buildings in the exact same lieu.
We climb mountains and jeopardy frost to demise for boasting rights
We invented pups. We took our one time piranhas and wholly domesticated them.
On a planet full of lions, tigers and allows, we managed to advance further and faster than any other species on the planet.
Klingons and Krogan and Orcs ain’t got shit on us

teal-deer said :

can we talk about how chase predation is fucking terrifying

it’s one thing to face down a cheetah, which will slam into you at 60 mph and break-dance your neck

it’s another thing to run very quickly to get away from a thing, only to have it exactly kind of

show up

to have it be intelligent enough to figure out where you are by the fur and feather you’ve left behind, your footprints and piss and shit, and then you think you’ve lost something and you bed down for the night but THERE IT IS

WAITING

WHEN YOU WAKE UP

and you divide! again! but it keeps following you. ever in the corner of your see. until you just

die

we are scary motherf ** kers ok

#12

ancientnapdragon said :

I realized a post about how humen were apex predators a little while ago, and one of the points it mentioned was that it’s reason humen have such a wide diet you don’t found under a lot of other swine. plus, we’re quite poison resistant to happens that would hurt/ kill most other swine( we’re the only species that is lactose tolerant as standards and norms, chocolate isn’t poison to us, plus other things that astounded me and i wish i had kept the upright: c)

what if most aliens have restraint situations they can eat? the Susutians is simply eat flora question of a particular color, or Luttans is simply feed certain meats from specific types of insects on their planet. so, when they come to earth they’re all like’ on so what do you eat? ’ and they’re thrown through a loop at what options we have! and they find out that a LOT of the food we eat on the regular is super poisonous to majority decisions of the known universe!

like, “oh hey, human-steve, thank you for calling my planet. we’re about to eat the snack of the tirid sun, will you meet us? ”

“o yeah cool what’s the apple seeming act on that tree? ”

“apple ….. oh, you make the highly poison and deadly Punnadix Fruit? those are a scourge of my peopl- WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?! ”

“uh ….. ingesting it? it’s delicious? ”

cue an foreigner having a heart attack, or whatever the equivalent is. on top of all the other creepy shit they’re known for, this establishes then rise higher in the list of’ creatures we are REALLY glad are on our side’.

#13

ainawgsd requested :

What if humans are the only species that gets “mystery” injuries? How bizarre would it be to immigrants that we can sustain an injury that leaves a trade mark persistent daytimes or sometimes weeks but don’t recollect how we got it?

what-are-even-humans said :

I cherish it!

Humans are already panicking enough, but then it gets hurts like contusions( which is deadly to various species sentiment you !) and it doESN’T EVEN KNOW WHY ?!?!?!?

At first the interspecies council thinks it’s a joke. Yes, it has already been established that a human just plain won’t succumb( with very few exceptions, like decapitation) and contusions aren’t that dangerous for most species. That it’d be futile at killing a human wasn’t surprising, but that they some times don’t even know how they’ve goes the contusion? No that has to be a joke.

It’s governed as another illusion until a member of the council walk along with a vessel with a few human crew-members. Trofaxiq the Elder had taken a stroll around the ship a few days into the trip when he hear two humen talking.

“Maybe you walked into something? ” The towering, highly pigmented one said, inspecting something on the slightly shorter, less pigmented one.

“Yeah, you are familiar with I’m clumsy, but the position’s strange, isn’t it? ” The shorter one said, appearing down at their own appendage.

“So perhaps you got it in your sleep? ” The tall one intimated as the short one discerned Trofaxiq the Elder and jabbed its appendage into their fellow human’s sternum. A little experienced Froentir would have mistaken it for an attack, but Trofaxiq the Elder knew enough about human behaviour to know it was called a’ nudge’ and was socially acceptable.

After the normal exchange of greetings and pleasantries, Trofaxiq the Elder eventually requested the humans what they had been discussing. The towering one, Fatima, said the short one, Lucia had gone a injury, but couldn’t remember how. Unsure what a injury was, Trofaxiq the Elder requested, but quickly came to wish they hadn’t as they looked the large contusion on the human rights member.

Less than one rotation afterwards, the human rights guidebook had been modernized, and a suggestion had been made to add a category so they could tag humen down as more dangerous than the previous “extremely dangerous, do not approach in the wild”

The only problem was how useful humen could be to jaunts. In the end, the relevant recommendations wasn’t delivered, to the obses of many council members.

#14

fenerismoon said :

So I’ve read a few humen are weird positions and it got me considering, what if humen are the only species to progress to use barrage. Like, more intelligent species will instinctively abscond in panic the moment they catch sight of an open kindle, hitherto testify a human newborn a burn and if they don’t know better, they will try to seizure it.

Humans will burn everything. Most of us won’t eat anything unless it has been “Cooked” first.( A human word meaning to heat food until it has begun to denature but not yet should begin to carbonize .)

Start a small fire and instead of fleeing, humen will gather around it and start socializing.

We get intoxicated by setting specific weeds on fire and inhaling the inhale, often with the burning embers mere inches from our feelings face.

We use it to clear territory for agriculture and hunting. We use it to punish felons. We even use it for solely aesthetic determinations.( Remember fireworks .)

Heck, we we discovered hydrocarbons, the first thing we did was burn them. In detail, humans were igniting so much better hydrocarbons the latter are literally modifying the atmosphere of their planet.

Heck, humans have died because they literally did not have enough substances to burn.
Now imagine hostile aliens want to invade globe. They don’t use fervour except in cases of carefully seen and heavily guarded industrial purposes. They likewise don’t know much about ground other than it is definitely occupied and the people haven’t developed intergalactic travel.

They’re expecting to face primitive powers armed with the neighbourhood equivalent of societies and kowtows. What they get is, to them, a strange anachronistic hodgepodge of expected primative engineerings and highly advanced engineerings that they clearly shouldn’t have.

They’re not expecting guns.( Projectile artilleries that consist of a narrow tube with missile and a chemical propellent stuffed into one aim. Instead of an electromagnetic heartbeat, the propellant is ignited and the expanding gases film the projectile out of the tube .)

They’re not expecting powered vehicles. Instead of electrical machines, humen have what they call the internal combustion engine.( A engine that the project works by sucking flammable gas into an enclosed chamber, erupting the gas under pressure, and using the resulting force-out from the detonation to move a piston. Because of that, humans have heavy machinery, self-propelled vehicles, and powered air-craft before they even really understood bio electricity.

They’re not expecting missiles, or incendiary weapons.( It was also how it was discovered that their bio-polymer armor, while superb against projectiles, can actually burn at surprisingly low temperatures.

They’re not even expecting smelled metal. Steel to them is a high tech information that can only be produced under specialized conditions of extreme hot, and necessary very specialized facilities to raise. They are dismayed to discover that humans ought to have smelting copper before they developed writing.

And they are definitely not expecting atomic weapon.( Which are basically “bombs” that instead of using combustable substances use an uncontrolled nuclear fission reaction. They are also aghast has found that not only was this apparently the first thing we thought to do where reference is discovered fission, but that contesting human faction have “how many of these weapons stockpiled !? ”

After retreating in disgrace, the task force sent to monitor the weed is sickened to report that humans are rapidly expanding into opening. They aren’t exploiting gravitic lifters or electromagnetic mass motorists. They are apparently simply loading equipment and personnel into special “missiles” and using a shit ton of highly combustable gasoline to plainly launching themselves into space

#15

skr4mbl 3d3ggz said :

Imagine the first time aliens assure a human “zone out” while working. The human is only altogether insensitive for a little while and the immigrants have no idea what’s happening.

Marnie had been working for a long time. She never took escapes for anything, and knowing how busy she was, the rest of the crew exactly left her to it. Eventually, they realized that she hasn’t been insured outside of her office for a few Earth daytimes, so Kaogj eventually decided to confront her about it.
“Human-Marnie, ” xe said, “You have been absent from the rest of the ship for quite some time. Could you take a divulge from your work and rejoin us? ”
Marnie didn’t respond. She hadn’t even declared Kaogj’s presence. Kaogj took a deep sigh and tried once more, “Human-Marnie, I understand your work may be important. If I recall correctly you can’t stay here and neglect your needs like this. Please come join us.”
Again, Marnie didn’t answer. The door to Marnie’s office gradually groaned open. Vincent, the other human shipmate, shuffled in softly. Kaogj looked at him worriedly.
“Human-Vincent, what is happening with Human-Marnie? “Shes not” declaring me. Is she ill? ” Xe expected, expres hushed.
“No , no, she’s penalty! She’s not sick. She’s precisely in the zone right now, that’s all.” Vincent breathed, smiling warmly. Kaogj searched even more paid great attention to this.
“The zone? What does that necessitate? Will Human-Marnie survive ?! ”
Vincent chuckled to himself. It was so amusing to see the foreigners encounter these circumstances that humans deal with so commonly.
“Yes, Marnie will live! Being’ in the zone’ is another way of saying that someone is super focused on what they are doing, so they block out everything else. Some of us, like Marnie, can’t hear happenings in that position. I’ll prove you.” Vincent leaned over Marnie’s work bench and waved his hands above the documents she was writing on. She looked up, then stood up and stretched.
“Hey Vinnie! What’s up? ” She said cheerfully.
“Sorry to bother you, but Kaogj thought you were dying or something because you’ve been working in here for so long and you wouldn’t answer. The crew wants you to join us for a meal.”
“My confessions! I get so assimilated in my job, time merely stumbles past me. I’ll gladly met you guys, I’m depriving! ”
Kaogj gazed down at his tablet and quickly wrote’ Investigate Zoning Out’. This odd state is definitely going to need some research.

#16

akireyta said :

I continue “ve been thinking about”, and about species exploiting niches, and it results that humans would probably been sees as excellent candidates for the galactic equivalent of scour and rescue.

we’re tough as fingernails, have strength for epoches, actively experience a huge array of temperatures and environmental conditions and alliance with anything and can empathize to the extent we examine faces on inanimate objects.

more than one lost and hopeles foreigner has listened a cluster of humans yahooing it up down a cliff-face and felt the sweet charge of comfort 🙂

#17

mayhemxtwins said :

Alien discovers a human crying and is like “why is there water coming from your ocular portals? ” and the human is like “it’s because i’m sad, it’s how my organization manufactures me feel better” so the foreigner is like well that’s strange but okay
same alien gaits into a area where humen are chuckling and encounters one crying. alien gets angry and wants to know why everyone’s chuckling while this person is crying because it learned at some point that giggling means you’re joyous and the crying person is like “oh sorry no, I’m crying because I’m tittering so much” and the alien is ???? “you’re so happy that you’re happy? ” and the human rights are like well…..crying doesn’t always signify sad……and the foreigner commits up on trying to understand humans

#18

reptar3 000 said :

Terrans are known for being some of the bravest if not stupidly intrepid species, they ever go on about their thirst for knowledge and their pronunciations and monologue about it applies anyone in the mood to explore they oblige u feel their excitements with their statement almost like a charm that campaigns it in my gang there was an over joyous female that was in collapse to be acknowledged that I really didn’t like is now in the exploration crew after being assigned to it I asked her “ What’s so important about this half the planets we find are un inhabitable” she responded with “ How can you not affection it what if there is a chance to find sentient life other like us and accompanying them the exhilaration of this knowledge” another gang member joined in “yeah what is it with terrans and knowledge? ” “What is life with out knowing, what is the point of living in ignorance there is so much not detected so much better learn lessons from perhaps it’s merely us terrans but learning is like breathing we can’t live with out it back then when clay was still just humans the original terrens they found each other they sailed frontiers explored to know everything about the planet they traveled to the moon to see what else is there what is beyond the horizon and now I like my ancestors before me explore because I can and want to I want to find more learn more bring to my beings so they can benefit from it. Us terrans simply live so long but preserve everything what would life be if all we did was gobble sleep and die Nothing and we know opening is enormou and maybe endless but it’s my work to explore Space The Final Frontier” her pronunciation had everyone on the ship with starry gazes go looking for more when I asked her about it how did she come up with that pronunciation she just said “it just comes from my heart”.

Read more:

READ MORE

Can chickpeas prolong orgasm? Yes- but only in LiarTown

Its the satirical powerhouse for the imitation information period. LiarTowns creator Sean Tejaratchi tells us how he dreamt up cooking with rends, angry cow stamps and that age-old Smiths classic Lovely Gary

Rodward Manshawl’s crosswords are not easy. Here’s 47 down:” Cockney rhyming slang for excessive bank fees”( six notes ). Now try 46 across: “Carbonated urine”( four characters ). What can the answers be? We will never know. Why? Because the evidences were made up by graphic designer and ex-photo-retoucher Sean Tejaratchi, a satirist who was included in Rolling Stone’s 25 funniest parties on Twitter in 2012.

Tejaratchi spoofed the New York Times crossword and, as a final stroke, came up with a daft compiler name. Like everything else in Tejaratchi’s world, Rodward Manshawl is phony, but not so fake that he shortage verisimilitude.” What I try to do ,” Tejaratchi says,” is create a zone of plausibility .”

Since 2013, the 47 -year-old has posted such scrupulous counterfeits on a Tumblr blog announced LiarTownUSA, a merge of sardonic takedowns requesting both to love of the Onion and to graphic blueprint nerds yearning for perfect pastiches of 1950 s sexual fiction or 70 s knitting periodicals. He is at his funniest, though, when he goes beyond the zone of plausibility and mails up today’s smug mores. There’s his takedown of celeb periodicals, announced Not Those Assholes Again, and his series of hectoring vegan stomps, the 40 -cent one depicting a cow with the slogan:” I croaked for your sins .”

‘I ‘ I know what it’s like to be different’ … Diaper Horse.

Now the best have been published as LiarTown: The First Four Years. It’s certainly a very strange target, with its scope of artisanal lubricants called Vermont Pleasures, one of which is” mas hummus”, which harnesses the superpower of chickpeas to prolong your orgasm. There is also a 140 -page colouring volume announced Diaper Horse. In one epitome, a sweetened girl pets the eponymous swine and tells it:” I know what it’s like to be different .”

” My secret hope ,” says Tejaratchi,” is that some people will take what I’ve done for real .” Maybe they will. His cover sleeves for Mouthful of Fingers and Lovely Gary so fondly and meticulously pastiche Smiths albums that love may just think the issue is hitherto undiscovered classics.

And some of the fakes may give people projects. There isn’t a book announced The World’s Worst Golf Courses yet, but I wouldn’t bet against one appearing in the run-up to Christmas. Nor is there one called Too Sometime Now … Your Child Is an Asshole: A Guide for Parents Who Are Most Likely Assholes. But I wish there were, so I could mail emulates to all those smug parents I know.

Undiscovered Undiscovered classic … Lovely Gary, the Smiths single that never was.

” I’d like some of my ideas to be realised ,” shrieks Tejaratchi.” And then maybe I could make money from them .” Personally, I’d love to subscribe to a niche fetishwear mag announced Corduroy Secrets or prescribe a monkey wig from Amazon. But I can’t. At least had still not been.

Among my favourite pastiches are two takedowns of Malcolm Gladwell, writer of The Tipping Point: How Little Thoughts Can Become a Major difference and Blink: The Power of Guessing Without Thinking. Why target Gladwell?” His volumes have that faux-sophisticated halo ,” says Tejaratchi,” and the cases have these little visual ruses that realize me grovel .” So he imagined two counterfeit Gladwell works: one called Overfull: What Happens When We Placed Too Much Stuff Into a Container; the other The Power of Various: Variable Sums Beyond a Couple But Fewer Than Half a Dozen.

Especially fascinating is how Tejaratchi spoofs Gladwell’s jacket design: The Power of Several has a deal image of five paper clip, Overfull a off-color puddle divulging behind the designation. Is this the revenge of the skill district?” Oh, it so is ,” Tejaratchi titters.” So often as a journal decorator, which is something I’ve done for a long while in “peoples lives”, you do some beautiful employment and then the various types echelons contend you nip it so it gazes just like”- and here Tejaratchi snarls moderately-” every other goddammed work .” Does he think Gladwell will see the amusing back?” I hope so, but often people don’t .”

Perfect Perfect present … the uncles docket.

Although Tejaratchi is the least cruel of satirists, the committee is exceptions. Take his sign for a missing baby.” Have you recognized your feline ?” it requests, while imaging a baby being restrained by a ski-masked brute declaring:” He’s mine now, I desire him .” Now that’s just sick.

Has he ever been sued for appropriating other people’s work?” No, I’ve got very good solicitors. Plus there is the Streisand consequence .” This is the phenomenon whereby an “ve been trying to” censor message has the unintended outcome of publicising it more broadly. Maybe that’s why Ann Coulter, the conservative commentator and scribe of In Trump We Trust, hasn’t yet sued Tejaratchi for thoughts her next volume, a lavishly illustrated number entitled Ann Coulter’s Handy Guide to Competitive Speed Fisting.

” I’ve never been sued ,” he says,” but I did have a problem with Tumblr .” Tejaratchi had produced a sendup of ambulance-chasing advocate billboards, peculiarity an oleaginous clothing touting for business. “Injured?” screamed its headline.” Go fuck yourself, you disabled piece of shit .” He withdraws:” I posted it and then it got pulled by Tumblr. I had to protest and say it was a parody .”

More subtle are the cutesy Social Justice Kittens. Tejaratchi created a docket boasting 12 sad-eyed little pussies with captions that chime with #MeToo’s point of view, while gently razzing it.” Biology is a fabricate ,” reads September, peculiarity a tabby glowering constipatedly from a litter tray. January’s kitten sees a glass of red wine spilled on a white carpet.” Toxic masculinity spoils the party ,” operates the slogan.

Faux Faux edification … spoof Malcolm Gladwell dust jacket.

There are also the Social Justice Puppies, who are Weinstein-like creatures- but properly repentant.” Realising the extent of my privilege is a constant excavation ,” says one sorrowful labrador.” Calling myself an ally has allowed me to pretend I’m not part of the problem ,” says one shifty-looking terrier.

Tejaratchi learned to monetise fakery early. The college dropout was assumed while working in a Kinko’s printing shop in his hometown of Eugene, Oregon. So one day he decided to move flyers for a made-up party announced Toad Licker.” I care ,” he says now,” I’d come up with a less evident sham reputation .” The flyer allured the attention of the members of a local indie music venue publicist who hired him to make real ones.

Since moving to LA, he has designed feminist mailing-cards, done graphic design for his film-maker sidekick Miranda July and retouched photos for a porn firm. He also worked on real work intends, including the right for an LA homicide detective photo essay called Death Scenes that’s not to be viewed while dining your tea.

” It was a chore like any other ,” he says of his porn times.” I’ve become very nonjudgmental about people’s fetishes .” This is borne out by his nostalgic cover for the 1997 edition of Safe Words: 1,001 All-New Fun and Sexy Choices for Open-Minded Couples Engaged in Outrageous Consensual Lovemaking. It depicts a joyous middle-aged duet smiling in front of a background of periods they might find useful in sex extremis. Remember when “hospice”, ” tinnitus” and “yacht” were your safe paroles? Me neither.” I approximate to operate in porn reached me manifest a lot on it and joke about it in my job .” It would also show The Occult Art of Dildomancy.

‘I’ve ‘ I’ve become very nonjudgmental’ … Sean Tejaratchi. Picture: Los Angeles Review of Books

Tejaratchi’s next project is a book about miserable people, based on a database trawl.” The time’s right. Just as LiarTown is right for our period of fake news, so I envisage a big unremitting book looking at likeness of pathetic people at a time where we’re told all the time to be happy will reverberate .”

Personally, I’d like him to stick to the silliness of LiarTown, with its Bionic Woman emblazoning book in which she kicks a raccoon into the sky for chewing “cat-o-nine-tail” nutrient. I require an copy of Jane Eyre exemplified not with a Victorian noblewoman but, for no reason at all, a mud-spattered biker. I miss a TV line about a humanity who turns into a crime-solving beast, to the discouragement of his wife and kids. In numerous courses, you read, LiarTown is better than the mundane real world.

LiarTown: The First Four Years is published by Feral House.

READ MORE

Can chickpeas prolong orgasm? Yes- but exclusively in LiarTown

Its the satirical powerhouse for the bogus news epoch. LiarTowns creator Sean Tejaratchi tells us how he reverie up cooking with weepings, furious moo-cow stamps and that old-time Smiths classic Lovely Gary

Rodward Manshawl’s crosswords are not easy. Here’s 47 down:” Cockney rhyming slang for excess bank fees”( six letters ). Now try 46 across: “Carbonated urine”( four letters ). What can the answers be? We will never know. Why? Because the clues were made up by graphic designer and ex-photo-retoucher Sean Tejaratchi, a satirist who was included in Rolling Stone’s 25 funniest people on Twitter in 2012.

Tejaratchi spoofed the New York Times crossword and, as a final touch, came up with a daft compiler reputation. Like everything else in Tejaratchi’s world, Rodward Manshawl is bogus, but not so counterfeit that he shortage verisimilitude.” What I try to do ,” Tejaratchi says,” is create a zone of plausibility .”

Since 2013, the 47 -year-old has posted such meticulous imitations on a Tumblr blog announced LiarTownUSA, a blend of sardonic takedowns pleading both to love of the Onion and to graphic blueprint nerds hankering for perfect pastiches of 1950 s erotic myth or 70 s knitting magazines. He is at his funniest, though, when he goes beyond the zone of plausibility and sends up today’s smug mores. There’s his takedown of celeb magazines, announced Not Those Assholes Again, and his wander of hectoring vegan stamps, the 40 -cent one depicting a cow with the motto:” I croaked for your sins .”

‘I ‘ I know what it’s like to be different’ … Diaper Horse.

Now best available have been published as LiarTown: The First Four Years. It’s certainly a very strange place, with its array of artisanal lubricants announced Vermont Pleasures, one of whom was” person hummus”, which harnesses the dominance of chickpeas to prolong your orgasm. There is also a 140 -page colouring journal announced Diaper Horse. In one likenes, a sweetened girl babies the eponymous swine and tells it:” I know what it’s like to be different .”

” My secret hope ,” does Tejaratchi,” is that some people will take what I’ve done for real .” Maybe they will. His plow sleeves for Mouthful of Fingers and Lovely Gary so lovingly and meticulously pastiche Smiths albums that followers may just think there exist hitherto undiscovered classics.

And some of the forgeries may give people thoughts. There isn’t a book called The World’s Worst Golf Courses hitherto, but I wouldn’t bet against one appearing in the run-up to Christmas. Nor is there one called Too Belatedly Now … Your Child Is an Asshole: A Guide for Parents Who Are Most Likely Assholes. But I bid there were, so I could transmit reproduces to all those smug mothers I know.

Undiscovered Undiscovered classic … Lovely Gary, the Smiths single that never was.

” I’d like some of my ideas to be realised ,” shrieks Tejaratchi.” And then maybe I could make money from them .” Personally, I’d love to subscribe to a niche fetishwear mag announced Corduroy Secrets or guild a monkey wig from Amazon. But I can’t. At least have still not been.

Among my favourite pastiches are two takedowns of Malcolm Gladwell, columnist of The Tipping Point: How Little Circumstances Can Move a Great difference and Blink: The Power of Envisioning Without Thinking. Why target Gladwell?” His notebooks have that faux-sophisticated aura ,” enunciates Tejaratchi,” and the cases have these little visual gambits that realize me cower .” So he envisaged two counterfeit Gladwell works: one called Overfull: What Happens When We Introduced Too Much Stuff Into a Container; the other The Power of Several: Variable Quantities Beyond a Couple But Fewer Than Half a Dozen.

Especially fascinating is how Tejaratchi spoofs Gladwell’s jacket design: The Power of Several has a report image of five paper clip, Overfull a off-color puddle disclosing behind the name. Is this the revenge of the artistry department?” Oh, it so is ,” Tejaratchi chortles.” So often as a book decorator, which is something I’ve done for a long while in my life, you do some beautiful occupation and then the various types echelons hold you nip it so it searches just like”- and here Tejaratchi snarls somewhat-” every other goddammed work .” Does he think Gladwell will see the funny line-up?” I hope so, but often people don’t .”

Perfect Perfect present … the uncles calendar.

Although Tejaratchi is the least cruel of satirists, there are exceptions. Take his poster for a missing pet.” Have you ascertained your feline ?” it questions, while imaging a domesticated being restrained by a ski-masked brutish declaring:” He’s mine now, I adoration him .” Now that’s just sick.

Has he ever been sued for suitable other people’s work?” No, I’ve got very good lawyers. Plus there is the Streisand outcome .” This is the phenomenon whereby an attempt to censor info has the unintended significance of publicising it more widely. Maybe that’s why Ann Coulter, the republican commentator and author of In Trump We Trust, hasn’t yet sued Tejaratchi for supposing her next book, a lavishly illustrated numeral entitled Ann Coulter’s Handy Guide to Competitive Speed Fisting.

” I’ve never been sued ,” he says,” but I did have a problem with Tumblr .” Tejaratchi had produced a sendup of ambulance-chasing advocate billboards, peculiarity an oleaginous clothing touting for business. “Injured?” bellowed its headline.” Go fuck yourself, you injured fucking shit .” He recollects:” I posted it and then it went pulled by Tumblr. I had to protest and say it was a lampoon .”

More subtle are the cutesy Social Justice Kittens. Tejaratchi created a calendar boasting 12 sad-eyed little pussies with captions that chime with #MeToo’s world view, while gently tantalizing it.” Biology is a create ,” reads September, peculiarity a tabby glowering constipatedly from a litter tray. January’s kitten contemplates a glass of red wine spilled on a white carpet.” Toxic masculinity breaks the working party ,” operates the slogan.

Faux Faux edification … spoof Malcolm Gladwell dust jacket.

There are also the Social Justice Puppies, who are Weinstein-like creatures- but properly repentant.” Realising the scope of my advantage is a constant quarry ,” replies one regretful labrador.” Calling myself an ally enabled me to feign I’m not part of the problem ,” replies one shifty-looking terrier.

Tejaratchi learned to monetise fakery early. The college dropout was endured while working in a Kinko’s printing shop in his hometown of Eugene, Oregon. So one day he decided to construct flyers for a made-up ensemble announced Toad Licker.” I care ,” he responds now,” I’d come up with a less evident phony call .” The flyer had drawn attention of a local indie music venue publicist who hired him to make real ones.

Since moving to LA, he has designed feminist mailing-cards, done graphic design for his film-maker acquaintance Miranda July and retouched photos for a porn firm. He also worked on real notebook intends, including one for an LA homicide detective photo essay called Death Scenes that’s not to be viewed while ingesting your tea.

” It was a place like any other ,” he says of his porn times.” I’ve become very nonjudgmental about people’s fetishes .” This is borne out by his nostalgic cover for the 1997 copy of Safe Words: 1,001 All-New Fun and Sexy Choices for Open-Minded Couples Engaged in Outrageous Consensual Lovemaking. It images a joyous middle-aged pair smiling in front of a background of words they might find useful in sex extremis. Remember when “hospice”, ” tinnitus” and “yacht” were your safe statements? Me neither.” I approximate working in porn saw me manifest a lot on it and gag about it in my job .” It would also interpret The Occult Art of Dildomancy.

‘I’ve ‘ I’ve become very nonjudgmental’ … Sean Tejaratchi. Image: Los Angeles Review of Books

Tejaratchi’s next project is a book about sad beings, based on a database trawl.” The time’s right. Just as LiarTown is right for our epoch of fake bulletin, so I make a big unremitting book looking at images of lamentable beings at a time where we’re told all the time to be happy will resonate .”

Personally, I’d like him to stick to the silliness of LiarTown, with its Bionic Woman colouring volume in which she knocks a raccoon into the sky for snacking cat food. I want an publication of Jane Eyre instanced not with a Victorian maid but, for no reason at all, a mud-spattered biker. I crave a TV succession about a soul who turns into a crime-solving tiger, to the dishearten of his wife and kids. In many behaviors, you envision, LiarTown is better than the prosaic real world.

LiarTown: The First Four Years is published by Feral House.

READ MORE

Can chickpeas prolong orgasm? Yes- but only in LiarTown

Its the sarcastic powerhouse for the fake report age. LiarTowns creator Sean Tejaratchi tells us how he reverie up cooking with tears, angry moo-cow stamps and that old-fashioned Smiths classic Lovely Gary

Rodward Manshawl’s crosswords are not easy. Here’s 47 down:” Cockney rhyming slang for undue bank fees”( six characters ). Now try 46 across: “Carbonated urine”( four notes ). What can the answers be? We will never know. Why? Because the evidences were made up by graphic designer and ex-photo-retoucher Sean Tejaratchi, a satirist who was included in Rolling Stone’s 25 funniest people on Twitter in 2012.

Tejaratchi spoofed the New York Times crossword and, as a final suggestion, came up with a daft compiler figure. Like everything else in Tejaratchi’s world, Rodward Manshawl is imitation, but not so counterfeit that he lacks verisimilitude.” What I try to do ,” Tejaratchi says,” is create a zone of plausibility .”

Since 2013, the 47 -year-old has posted such meticulous hoaxes on a Tumblr blog called LiarTownUSA, a harmonize of sardonic takedowns appealing both to fans of the Onion and to graphic design nerds yearning for perfect pastiches of 1950 s erotic fiction or 70 s knitting periodicals. He is at his funniest, though, when he goes beyond the zone of plausibility and moves up today’s smug mores. There’s his takedown of celeb magazines, announced Not Those Assholes Again, and his assortment of hectoring vegan emboss, the 40 -cent one illustrating a cow with the motto:” I succumbed for your sins .”

‘I ‘ I know what it’s like to be different’ … Diaper Horse.

Now best available have been published as LiarTown: The First Four Years. It’s certainly a very strange home, with its series of artisanal lubricants called Vermont Pleasures, one of whom was” person hummus”, which harnesses the influence of chickpeas to prolong your orgasm. There is also a 140 -page colouring book called Diaper Horse. In one likenes, a sugared girl pets the eponymous animal and tells it:” I know what it’s like to be different .”

” My secret hope ,” reads Tejaratchi,” is that some people will take what I’ve done for real .” Maybe they will. His cros sleeves for Mouthful of Fingers and Lovely Gary so lovingly and meticulously pastiche Smiths albums that devotees may just think there exist hitherto undiscovered classics.

And some of the bogus may give people impressions. There isn’t a book announced The World’s Worst Golf Courses hitherto, but I wouldn’t bet against one appearing in the run-up to Christmas. Nor is there one called Too Late Now … Your Child Is an Asshole: A Guide for Parent Who Are Most Likely Assholes. But I bid there used to be, so I could cast emulates to all those smug parents I know.

Undiscovered Undiscovered classic … Lovely Gary, the Smiths single that never was.

” I’d like some of my ideas to be realised ,” titters Tejaratchi.” And then maybe I could make money from them .” Personally, I’d love to subscribe to a niche fetishwear mag called Corduroy Secret or tell a bird wig from Amazon. But I can’t. At least not yet.

Among my favourite pastiches are two takedowns of Malcolm Gladwell, columnist of The Tipping Point: How Little Happens Can Oblige a Great difference and Blink: The Power of Remembering Without Thinking. Why target Gladwell?” His books have that faux-sophisticated halo ,” adds Tejaratchi,” and the cases have these little visual ploys that shape me wince .” So he thoughts two forgery Gladwell volumes: one called Overfull: What Happens When We Gave Too Much Stuff Into a Container; the other The Power of Several: Variable Amounts Beyond a Couple But Fewer Than Half a Dozen.

Especially delightful is how Tejaratchi spoofs Gladwell’s jacket design: The Power of Several has a extend image of five paper clip, Overfull a off-color puddle divulging behind the claim. Is this the revenge of the artistry department?” Oh, it so is ,” Tejaratchi chortles.” So often as a journal decorator, which is something I’ve done for a long while in “peoples lives”, you do some beautiful cultivate and then the various types echelons insist you tweak it so it gazes just like”- and here Tejaratchi snarls rather-” every other goddammed volume .” Does he fantasize Gladwell will see the amusing area?” I hope so, but often people don’t .”

Perfect Perfect present … the uncles calendar.

Although Tejaratchi is the least cruel of satirists, there are objections. Take his poster for a missing domesticated.” Have you appreciated your feline ?” it expects, while depicting a domesticated being restrained by a ski-masked brutish declaring:” He’s mine now, I enjoy him .” Now that’s just sick.

Has he ever been sued for suitable other people’s work?” No, I’ve got very good advocates. Plus there is the Streisand result .” This is the phenomenon whereby our efforts to censor information has the unintended outcome of publicising it more broadly. Maybe that’s why Ann Coulter, the conservative commentator and generator of In Trump We Trust, hasn’t yet sued Tejaratchi for guessing her next work, a lavishly illustrated numeral entitled Ann Coulter’s Handy Guide to Competitive Speed Fisting.

” I’ve never been sued ,” he answers,” but I did have a problem with Tumblr .” Tejaratchi had produced a sendup of ambulance-chasing solicitor billboards, featuring an oleaginous dres touting for business. “Injured?” called its headline.” Go fuck yourself, you disabled piece of shit .” He echoes:” I posted it and then it got pulled by Tumblr. I had to protest and say it was a parody .”

More subtle are the cutesy Social Justice Kittens. Tejaratchi created a calendar featuring 12 sad-eyed little pussies with captions that chime with #MeToo’s world view, while gently razzing it.” Biology is a construct ,” speaks September, boasting a tabby glowering constipatedly from a litter tray. January’s kitten envisages a glass of red wine spilled on a lily-white carpet.” Toxic masculinity ruins the party ,” extends the slogan.

Faux Faux edification … spoof Malcolm Gladwell book jacket.

There are also the Social Justice Puppies, who are now Weinstein-like creatures- but properly repentant.” Realising the extent of my privilege is a constant excavation ,” remarks one repentant labrador.” Calling myself an ally enabled me to pretend I’m not part of their own problems ,” answers one shifty-looking terrier.

Tejaratchi learned to monetise fakery early. The college dropout was tolerated while working in a Kinko’s printing shop in his hometown of Eugene, Oregon. So one day you chose to attain flyers for a made-up clique announced Toad Licker.” I care ,” he says now,” I’d come up with a less evident forgery call .” The flyer had drawn attention of a neighbourhood indie music venue publicist who hired him to make real ones.

Since moving to LA, he has designed feminist postcards, done graphic design for his film-maker friend Miranda July and retouched photos for a porn firm. He also worked on real journal designs, including one for an LA homicide detective photo essay announced Death Scenes that’s not to be viewed while dining your tea.

” It was a responsibility like any other ,” he supposes of his porn times.” I’ve become very nonjudgmental about people’s fetishes .” This is borne out by his nostalgic cover for the 1997 copy of Safe Words: 1,001 All-New Fun and Sexy Choices for Open-Minded Couples Engaged in Outrageous Consensual Lovemaking. It images a glad middle-aged duo smiling in front of a background of terms they might find useful in sexual extremis. Remember when “hospice”, ” tinnitus” and “yacht” were your safe texts? Me neither.” I suspect working in porn obliged me indicate a lot on it and parody about it in my work .” It would also show The Occult Art of Dildomancy.

‘I’ve ‘ I’ve become very nonjudgmental’ … Sean Tejaratchi. Photograph: Los Angeles Review of Books

Tejaratchi’s next project is a book about unhappy beings, based on a database trawl.” The time’s right. Just as LiarTown is right for our era of bogus information, so I visualize a big unremitting book looking at images of happy parties at a time where we’re told all the time to be happy will reverberate .”

Personally, I’d like him to stick to the silliness of LiarTown, with its Bionic Woman colouring journal in which she knocks a raccoon into the sky for snacking “cat-o-nine-tail” nutrient. I miss an edition of Jane Eyre represented not with a Victorian female but, for no reason at all, a mud-spattered biker. I miss a Tv succession about a soldier who turns into a crime-solving beast, to the dishearten of his wife and kids. In numerous access, you insure, LiarTown is better than the banal real world.

LiarTown: The First Four Years issued by Feral House.

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Can chickpeas prolong orgasm? Yes- but simply in LiarTown

Its the sarcastic powerhouse for the phony news epoch. LiarTowns creator Sean Tejaratchi tells us how he fantasy up cooking with snaps, furious moo-cow stamps and that age-old Smiths classic Lovely Gary

Rodward Manshawl’s crosswords are not easy. Here’s 47 down:” Cockney rhyming slang for excess banking costs”( six words ). Now try 46 across: “Carbonated urine”( four characters ). What can the answers be? We will never know. Why? Because the clues were made up by graphic designer and ex-photo-retoucher Sean Tejaratchi, a satirist who was included in Rolling Stone’s 25 funniest people on Twitter in 2012.

Tejaratchi spoofed the New York Times crossword and, as a final touching, came up with a daft compiler figure. Like everything else in Tejaratchi’s world, Rodward Manshawl is fake, but not so forgery that he scarcity verisimilitude.” What I try to do ,” Tejaratchi says,” is create a zone of plausibility .”

Since 2013, the 47 -year-old has posted such scrupulous fakes on a Tumblr blog called LiarTownUSA, a merger of sarcastic takedowns appealing both to followers of the Onion and to graphic layout nerds yearning for perfect pastiches of 1950 s erotic fiction or 70 s knitting magazines. He is at his funniest, though, when he goes beyond the zone of plausibility and casts up today’s smug mores. There’s his takedown of celeb periodicals, announced Not Those Assholes Again, and his scope of hectoring vegan stamps, the 40 -cent one illustrating a moo-cow with the slogan:” I expired for your sins .”

‘I ‘ I know what it’s like to be different’ … Diaper Horse.

Now the best have been published as LiarTown: The First Four Years. It’s certainly a very strange plaza, with its assortment of artisanal lubricants announced Vermont Pleasures, one of whom was” body hummus”, which harnesses the strength of chickpeas to prolong your orgasm. There is also a 140 -page colouring book announced Diaper Horse. In one epitome, a sugared girl babies the eponymous swine and tells it:” I know what it’s like to be different .”

” My secret hope ,” alleges Tejaratchi,” is that some people will take what I’ve done for real .” Perhaps they will. His blanket sleeves for Mouthful of Fingers and Lovely Gary so fondly and meticulously pastiche Smiths albums that fans may just think these are hitherto undiscovered classics.

And some of the fakes may give people projects. There isn’t a book called The World’s Worst Golf Courses hitherto, but I wouldn’t bet against one appearing in the run-up to Christmas. Nor is there one called Too Sometime Now … Your Child Is an Asshole: A Guide for Parents Who Are Most Likely Assholes. But I please there were, so I could send simulates to all those smug parents I know.

Undiscovered Undiscovered classic … Lovely Gary, the Smiths single that never was.

” I’d like some of my ideas to be realised ,” laughs Tejaratchi.” And then maybe I could make money from them .” Personally, I’d love to subscribe to a niche fetishwear mag announced Corduroy Secret or order a monkey wig from Amazon. But I can’t. At least not yet.

Among my favourite pastiches are two takedowns of Malcolm Gladwell, writer of The Tipping Point: How Little Occasions Can Build a Great difference and Blink: The Power of Guessing Without Thinking. Why target Gladwell?” His books have that faux-sophisticated halo ,” remarks Tejaratchi,” and the cases have these little visual ruses that acquire me wince .” So he envisaged two counterfeit Gladwell books: one called Overfull: What Happens When We Set Too Much Stuff Into a Container; the other The Power of Several: Variable Quantities Beyond a Couple But Fewer Than Half a Dozen.

Especially entertaining is how Tejaratchi spoofs Gladwell’s jacket design: The Power of Several has a cros image of five paper clips, Overfull a off-color puddle leaking behind the deed. Is this the revenge of the artistry district?” Oh, it so is ,” Tejaratchi giggles.” So often as a work decorator, which is something I’ve done for a long while in “peoples lives”, you do some beautiful work and then the various types echelons contend you nip it it was therefore searches just like”- and here Tejaratchi snarls somewhat-” every other goddammed work .” Does he recall Gladwell will see the entertaining side?” I hope so, but often people don’t .”

Perfect Perfect present … the uncles docket.

Although Tejaratchi is the least cruel of satirists, “theres” exceptions. Take his posting for a missing pet.” Have you learnt your “cat-o-nine-tail” ?” it requests, while depicting a baby being restrained by a ski-masked brutish declaring:” He’s mine now, I love him .” Now that’s just sick.

Has he ever been sued for suitable other people’s work?” No, I’ve got very good lawyers. Plus there is the Streisand aftermath .” This is the phenomenon whereby an attempt to censor info has the unintended outcome of publicising it more broadly. Maybe that’s why Ann Coulter, the conservative commentator and writer of In Trump We Trust, hasn’t yet sued Tejaratchi for thoughts her next notebook, a lavishly illustrated digit entitled Ann Coulter’s Handy Guide to Competitive Speed Fisting.

” I’ve never been sued ,” he articulates,” but I did have a problem with Tumblr .” Tejaratchi had produced a sendup of ambulance-chasing advocate billboards, peculiarity an oleaginous suit touting for business. “Injured?” screamed its headline.” Go fuck yourself, you disabled piece of shit .” He recalls:” I posted it and then it got pulled by Tumblr. I had to protest and say it was a lampoon .”

More subtle are the cutesy Social Justice Kittens. Tejaratchi created a docket featuring 12 sad-eyed little pussies with captions that chime with #MeToo’s point of view, while gently taunting it.” Biology is a fabricate ,” reads September, boasting a tabby glowering constipatedly from a litter tray. January’s kitten entertains a glass of red wine spilled on a grey carpet.” Toxic masculinity devastates the party ,” passes the slogan.

Faux Faux edification … parody Malcolm Gladwell dust jacket.

There are also the Social Justice Puppies, who are Weinstein-like creatures- but properly repentant.” Realising the extent of my privilege is a constant ditch ,” replies one regretful labrador.” Announcing myself an ally has allowed me to pretend I’m not part of their own problems ,” reads one shifty-looking terrier.

Tejaratchi learned to monetise fakery early. The college dropout was endured while working in a Kinko’s printing shop in his hometown of Eugene, Oregon. So the working day he decided to establish flyers for a made-up stripe announced Toad Licker.” I care ,” he speaks now,” I’d come up with a less obvious counterfeit call .” The flyer has drawn attention of a local indie music venue publicist who hired him to make real ones.

Since moving to LA, he has designed feminist postcards, done graphic design for his film-maker sidekick Miranda July and retouched photos for a porn house. He likewise worked on real notebook layouts, including information for an LA homicide detective photo essay announced Death Scenes that’s not to be viewed while chewing your tea.

” It was a errand like any other ,” he suggests of his porn times.” I’ve become very nonjudgmental about people’s fetishes .” This is borne out by his nostalgic cover for the 1997 edition of Safe Words: 1,001 All-New Fun and Sexy Choices for Open-Minded Couples Engaged in Outrageous Consensual Lovemaking. It outlines a joyous middle-aged couple smiling in front of a background of words they might find useful in sex extremis. Remember when “hospice”, ” tinnitus” and “yacht” were your safe paroles? Me neither.” I predict working in porn drew me manifest a lot on it and joke about it in my job .” It would also clarify The Occult Art of Dildomancy.

‘I’ve ‘ I’ve become very nonjudgmental’ … Sean Tejaratchi. Picture: Los Angeles Review of Books

Tejaratchi’s next project is a book about unfortunate beings, based on a database trawl.” The time’s right. Just as LiarTown is right for our period of phony information, so I consider a big unremitting notebook looking at personas of lamentable beings at a time where we’re told all the time to be happy will reverberate .”

Personally, I’d like him to stick to the silliness of LiarTown, with its Bionic Woman colouring volume in which she kicks a raccoon into the sky for snacking “cat-o-nine-tail” meat. I crave an edition of Jane Eyre illustrated not with a Victorian girl but, for no reason at all, a mud-spattered biker. I miss a TV succession about a husband who turns into a crime-solving tiger, to the chagrin of his wife and kids. In many ways, you read, LiarTown is better than the everyday real world.

LiarTown: The First Four Years issued by Feral House.

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20 Hilarious Animal Posts On Tumblr That’d Make Anyone Giggle

These epoches, politics have parties partitioned more than ever. However, if there’s anything we are to be able will be voting in favour of, it’s funny animals!

There’s something about assigning human features to animals that’s enough to make anyone snicker, but these animal uprights from Tumblr truly take the cake. If you’re having a bad era, they’re all you need to turn your frown upside down. Just don’t accuse us if everyone in the role wants to know what you’re giggling about!

1. That took me longer than I’d like to admit.

2. Oh, Frank goodness!

3. Eventually, a feline that gives his hinder.

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4. Hello sweet forest pupper.

5. I can precisely hear their tiny singers!

6. “Seriously, Robert? We’ve talked about this.”

7. Hedwig would be ashamed of you.

Read More: This Dog Was Nothing But Skin And Bone When This Photographer Saved His Life

8. Severely though, who doesn’t want to be a lion?

9. “You think it’s funny now, but these will be destroyed by morning.”

10. All aboard the panda express!

11. “He’s right behind me, isn’t he? ”

12. Slow the fluff down!

13. He likes zebra booties and he cannot lie.

Read More: They Didn’t Know How The Cat Would React To The New Baby. When They Met? So Cute !

14. Scheming the collapse of cats , no doubt.

15. “Dishonor on you! Dishonor on their own families! Dishonor on your cow! “

16. “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

17. There’s no such act as too many lizards.

18. Plant a seed, get a floof!

19. “Oh, you want to speak to the manager? That would be me.”

Read More: When This Golden Retriever Hears Who’s Around The Corner, He Freaks Out

20. Only Tumblr could diagnose a medical mode this serious.

( via Bored Panda)

Thanks for the chortles, Tumblr! You’ve prepared my day.

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