[Puppy Blues] Will I ever get to enjoy being alive again?

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I adore my puppy. She is a 4 month old black and white newfoundland pup. She is adorable, she is sweet, she is eager to please. She follows me everywhere and she is always ready for games and snuggles. She has the cutest little face. She loves belly rubs and kisses. I have to preface this with the reasons I love this puppy, because she has turned every waking moment into a fucking nightmare – and since she screams and scratches and whines all night, there are very few non-waking moments.

This morning I woke up and she shit (and peed) all over herself and her crate. Seriously, it was covering EVERYTHING. The crate, her fur, her water and food bowl, the linens, a few of her favorite toys. I had to bring her to take a bath and she threw a shitfit; she threw water all over me and the floor and I wasnt able to clean her face the way I wanted (I wiped it with a wet paper towel but her little face had poop on it and I'm not sure I sanitized her properly…). Immediately when she got out of the bath and I dried her off, she decided to pee into the massive puddle that filled the entire bathroom. She tried to poop in it too, but I dragged her outside and got her to poop in the garden instead. Since I couldn't crate her while I was cleaning her crate, I attached her leash to the front door (it's a one bedroom apartment so this was close to me and her crate), but when I carried the poop-soaked sheet through the door to shake outside, she jumped on me, tore the sheet out of my hands, and launched shit in every direction. After I cleaned up the poop she launched, I went to pet her a bit to remind myself why I love the little fucker so much. I was trying so hard to remind myself what I'm working for and that shes just a little baby and she cant help it, she doesnt understand what shes doing and shes probably as upset as I am that she had diarrhea in her bed. But I couldn't pet her because she was biting me SO MUCH. I mean just getting near her she would immediately sink my teeth into my hands. She bit my leg and tore a hole in my jeans. I had to get away from her and just fucking bawl while I balanced cleaning poop off the walls, poop of the floor, poop off her dishes, and the huge puddle of water she peed in. I also had to clean the floors of the rest of the apartment because her paws spread her pee and poop all over the floors where she ran around after her bath.

I have barely eaten in the past week because whenever I try to sit down to eat, my little girl wrecks absolute havoc on everything in sight, and if I chase her to get her to stop trying to chew on shoes or furniture or whatever, she runs back to the table, jumps on it, and tries to eat my food. In fact, there is not a single activity I can do without her in her crate. Not a single thing. I feel bad because even though shes never in her crate longer than 4 hours at a time (except at night), she probably ends up being in her crate 18-20 hours total most days because it's not possible to do anything with her outside of it. I'm training her and shes getting better, but I have a lot of homework and I always have to clean up a new bodily fluid, and there is no possible way to do these activities when she isnt confined. I am out of money but she just threw up her heartworm and flea medication and I am just not in a position to be able to afford to buy the medications again right now. I'm sleep deprived and I'm miserable. I love my girl but I hate my life and I just want to have enough time to cry and sleep, I dont even care about having time to do homework or shower or eat anymore. As I'm writing this, I am standing outside in the cold waiting for my puppy to go to the bathroom while she rolls around in the grass. I would give up and bring her back inside, but I know the second she steps foot in the apartment she will take a shit on the floor if I dont wait for her to go outside. It's been 45 minutes. I love this fucking puppy so much and she is a ray of sunshine but at the same time she makes me hate being alive. She is the only good thing about my life right now because she has destroyed every other good thing that might bring me any kind of happiness or comfort. I know everyone says that it gets better. But how long is this going to take? How much longer do I have to live like this? I'm going to have to withdraw from a bunch of my classes if she doesnt get at least a liiiittle bit easier to manage soon. Thanks for listening to me vent. Any advice is appreciated. I really do love this dog and I want to do whatever I can to take care of her. I just dont feel like I can take care of myself anymore.

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