Good morning idiot hookers, and welcome back to another arousing season of Bachelor in Paradise ! Why ABC decided to air the first escapade one darknes after regarding all of America hostage for three squalid hours to watch Becca ruin her life one last occasion, I’ll never understand. But here we are
being held almost at knifepoint by Mike Fleiss for two more hours ! And while I’d preferably bang my manager against a wall for two hours than dive head first into any more soul-sucking Bachelor drama, I’ve realized that I perhaps, kind of, sort of missed the hedonistic cavern of sin that is ABC’s slice of Mexico? So, shall we dive right in then? I represent, there’s exclusively a storm brewing outside and I’m 90 percentage sure my internet will neglect faster than any of these people’s livers did on nighttime one, but, sure, let’s do this.
I guess we’re jump-start right into the intros then. As if I wanted to know any more about the intricacies of their flat tummy tea diets.
DAMNNN. Kevin only spilled the tea on Ashley I. He’s saying that Ashley made out with Jared while they continued to dating, and I’m not stunned at all. If Jared said “cry” she’d say how “how many rivers? ”
So David aka “The Chicken” is living at home with his mother post-filming. What catches they have this season! Madams, I’m jealous. Also, David, you live in Boca Raton. You can totally marry your mommy in Florida. It might actually be one of the only places.
Analise is up next, and she’s certainly going to be
Lacey Mark that girl that announces every week about how nothing of the people like her.
BIBI: My goal here is to kill them. Kill them with. my. bootie.
^^ I envisage I’m going to turn that into a motivational posting and hang it over my bed.
Jesus. Tia’s layers precisely dazed me, so I suspect I’ll merely be listening to the rest of the episode. Gravely, have her teeth ever looked like that?
Eric’s like “so do y’all like the power here? ” Yes, Eric they all like the vigor because the “energy” is free guzzles.
JOEEEEE. Joe is here, y’all, and I’m swooning already.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think you’ll last longer this time?
JOE : Maybe a day? Tops.
I love that his table for the tour is about as low-spirited as my table for Hinge coincides. Glad we’re on the same page, Joe!
You guys, what is with people’s teeth this season? I’m starting to really get freaked out here. Was there a discount on veneers and Crest White Strips before filming?
Okay, THANK YOU TIA, for provide comments on Krystal’s voice change. Like, what happened to the babe prostitute articulation that recurred my nightmares last-place January? Ugh. Of course she’s starting after Joe, though. He’s like “she’s so sweet.” Oh, Joe. She is going to have sex with you and then rip your head off.
If Krystal dares ruin Joe’s pure, sweet behaviour, I will Intent HER .
Venmo John is like “the last time I was reserved and didn’t are all aware to talk to beings but now I’ve discovered alcohol, so it’s easier.” Ah, the wonders of heated tequila, amiright John?
Okay, wait. Annaliese is Jordan’s type? Annaliese? The girl who’s afraid of bumper gondolas and puppies. If you don’t reckon she has a composite about golden underwear then you better fantasize again, crony.
The chicken gets here and Chris Harrison is like “I’m glad you came as yourself this time.” Is coming as himself any better though, Chris?
Surprise, astound, Colton’s not here hitherto and Tia is freaking the f* ck out. It’s interesting that Colton never reached out to Tia even though she got him kicked off Becca’s season because of all of her “feelings” for him. I exactly feel like maybe he’s not that into her? I entail, the buster claims he’s never even considered a woman’s vagina before and hitherto Tia is here all but spreading herself on national television and he’s like “nah, I’m good.” Yeah, it’s suspicious AF.
That’s stone cold suspicion in his eyes, parties .
GOD TIA. Stop bringing up Colton’s refer when you have a f* cking dime piece like Joe in your proximity! Severely. If I discover the mention Colton one more day I’m going to go outside in this storm with a piece of metal and pray this lightning to impress me.
In a atrocious construction of BiP producer-orchestrated fate, Tia gets the first appointment card. Okay, she’s playing like that placard is a herpes diagnosis and not an opportunity to share a dinner and Instagram followers with one of the following options washed-up street dogs. Get over yourself.
LOL I affection that Bibi looks like she wants to fight her over this. Delight do, girl. Set us all out of our grief.
Tia starts talking to grocery Joe and she’s like, “I’m not like other girls because I’m a relationship kind of girl.” Literally that is every girl with a heartbeat, Tia. Nice try.
WHAT. She picks psycho Chris ?? Have they even spoken words to one another yet? Why ??
Meanwhile, Kendall and Joe start vibing. And by “vibing” I intend dry humping on a chaise sofa, which is something her mom specifically informed her not to do before going on this testify. Here’s hoping her baby doesn’t take away one of her stuffed animal fronts in retaliation.
Friendly reminder, parties, that we’re an hour into this abomination of a television depict and there’s still no clear storyline. It’s like watching drunk cats sow on a beach and are seeking to make sense of it.
Speaking of sh* t that that doesn’t make sense, wtf are Chelsea and Nick doing cuddled up on a chaise lounge? It’s like watching
a auto clang my Snapchat story after scorching out at happy hour. You know, when you make out with a red-hot person merely to identify areas afterwards he could barely continue his eyes open and says sh* t like “where’s all the p* ssy tonight.” I make, if the information was ten positions cooler he’d be wearing a velour tracksuit!
NICK : Women with kids don’t bother me as long as I never receive the child and her vagina’s recovered.
Cut to Tia and Chris’s date. She’s drinking water at this moment and is STILL talking about Colton. It’s gonna be a longggg night.
Wait. I’m rightfully scandalized she’s into this person. Aha! The truth comes out. The two of them simply like each other because they both don’t is intended to be single anymore. I think they probably have more chemistry with their forks than one another, but okay. To each their own. And, hey, if Carly, the status of women who said she got “limp dick” from sharing the societies of a guy who are able subsequently grown the parent of their own children, then anything is possible
as long as Wells has a heavy pour .
O.M.G. Colton is here and ready to f* ck up Tia’s freshly acquired joy. Realise, madams, Paradise are like the real world !!
They impart Colton a appointment placard because I guess production misses Tia to fling herself off a cliff this morning. Lol he starts drawing girls aside and none of them are Tia. What a class act he is! He’s, like, flirting with anyone on the island who has a vagina and a pulse EXCEPT TIA, but I have a feeling he’ll still pick her because he listened she might be happy with someone else.
AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE CHOOSES TIA.
^ Me writing down further evidence of why the male species shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same breath as the rest of us
Wait so this “magical date” he took her on before Becca’s season was just a dinner at his house ?! The boy didn’t even take you out in public, Tia? Like, he is a former pro football participate and he’s trying to say that the best he can do for a year is to whip you up some Spaghetti-O’s at home? Earnestly ?? Oh, sugar, child, dear. DUMP HIS ASS.
God I can’t listen to these twits for one more goddamn time. Colton’s like “I was into Becca but then you communicated me home, so here we are” and Tia practically orgasms right there on that boat.
TIA : Idk why but I merely keep coming back to you?
I KNOW WHY. He’s breadcrumbing you, sweetie! Tale as old-fashioned as age.
Elsewhere, Chris is just stewing on the beach. All those steroids and hair gel–this can’t is all very well. He’s got all of Paradise riled up too. It’s like that background with Gaston before the townspeople “ve been trying” f* ck up the devil. Except with less ability and good aims and clearly Chris is not as hot as Gaston. Plainly. That genius reference I just made duos perfectly with this gif, so enjoy:
BRB I gotta take a musical infringe to sing “Gaston” to myself.
And on that mention,
WE’RE FREE “weve got to” to wait until next week to see how this fight plays out. I’m sure it’ll be about as manly as the fight I had in secondary school with my sister over her plagiarizing my favorite Delia’s shirt for school visualizes. Should be lighted. Until next week, betches!
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