A Text Message Account Of One Brave Dad’s Attempt To Cleanse Up His Son’s Vomit

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Parenting can be tough, and anyone who does differently is a liar. Yes, their own children are the most incredible part of their own lives. Yes, there’s something supernatural about watching your newborn grow and memorize new circumstances. Yes, you are able blithely spend hours watching them sleep. Being a parent is splendid and mind-blowing and indescribable.

But there’s a darker side to parenting, where acts happen who is able to never in a million years imagine having to deal with. Horrifyingly, many of these creepy, spooky events imply bodily fluids. There seems to be an unspoken ruler that you’re not rightfully kick-started as a parent until you’ve had to deal with the unspeakably frightful elements a child can develop. It’s just a fact of life, and no parent comes out unscathed. Hasn’t happened to you yet? Don’t worry, it’s just a matter of time.

Ben Patterson suffered this rite of passage just recently. While driving home with his son, Declan, his whole nighttime descended to portions. Patterson justified, mentioning, “Last night I was supposed to watch the minors, so my partner and I swapped cars after handiwork so she could head out with some acquaintances. On the way dwelling, projectile upchuck passed and the whole time my partner wasn’t refuting her telephone …. Watch the following text messages.”

And watch the following textbook themes you must. Threatening: “youre in” for a laugh!

“So this just happened

I only gathered over and am trying not to throw up myself

Call me

I only threw up trying to clean him up

It smells SO BAD”

“I’m standing on the side of the road dry heaving, I can’t even be in the car it’s so awful

I seriously don’t know what to do, I’m barfing each time I try to clean him up

I’m puking on some lady’s lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I’m drunk while driving the kids

I’m trying to explain that I’m a sympathetic vomiter and can’t handle the smell

This is SO BAD

Aaaand now the polouse pictured up

Because they have nothing better to do in Burlingame

Aaaaand now a breathalyzer


“Meanwhile Declan continues to barf



At least I extended the breathalyzer

Trying to drive home with the windows down and gasping through my shirt”

Luckily, Patterson has a good sense of humor, in addition to a sympathetic gag reflex. After a flight soon after the now-infamous happen, he had a genius idea.

#Lifeprotip When I get off this flight I’m grabbing a few of these bad sons to stash in the minivan. Chiefly for me , not the kids.

Posted by Ben Patterson on Tuesday, May 17, 2016

” #Lifeprotip: When I get off this flight I’m grabbing a few of these bad boys to stash in the minivan. Mainly for me , not the kids.”

And what about Patterson’s wife? She also knows how to take a parody! After these entertaining texts started making their style all over the internet, Patterson came clean about the facts of the case that his narration might have been slightly embellished.

Glad so many parties observed it so funny! I just wanted to clarify that while the rest of the narrative is true, the side about…

Posted by Ben Patterson on Tuesday, May 17, 2016

“Glad so many people learnt it so amusing! I just wanted to clarify that while the rest of the story is true-blue, the place about the police coming and the breathalyzer was just something I included for drastic influence for my bride in the moment. Now that the floor has blown up, I wouldn’t want anyone to imagine mischievously of the Burlingame PD because I was joking! The truth weighs. I actually went down to Burlingame PD and chitchatted with them and we had a good chortle about acts. The ‘barf heard round the world’ was bad, but it didn’t include a breathalyzer!

Many tribes asked how Declan is doing, and he’s altogether fine – here’s what he looks like when he’s not covered in his own retch, and he’s moderately darn cute if I do say so myself.

Cheers all!

– BP”

Be sure to SHARE this amusing chip of parenting with your best friend and family!

H/ T: Ben Patterson

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