5 Sexuality Narrations That Will Change How You Interpret Famed Beings

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Here at Cracked, we like to think of ourselves as replenishing in the chinks of your history acquaintance that schools refused to educate you. Particularly sexuality record. We’ve told you before about some of history’s greatest sex-havers, but there are more. So many more. So there is five epic sex fibs to add to the directory, because holy shit


Fidel Castro Had Sex With Half Of Cuba

Being in charge of an entire country is hard-boiled. Just ask Donald Trump. Actually, don’t ask him … he hasn’t even get the hang of Twitter hitherto. In many cases, the only rationale you would even want to stay on is that being drunkard with capability establishes you super attractive to the opposite sexuality. Such was the case with Fidel Castro. He governed Cuba with an iron fist for decades, and the constant ass on tap made up for the constant threat of nuclear war.

Many people know basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain as the lord of the harem, bedding an alleged 20,000 women around his lifetime. But if Castro’s claims are at all realistic, he managed to plow his channel through( pun aimed) 35,000 before he kicked the bucket at persons under the age of 90.

In a different day, John F. Kennedy and Castro could have been great friends, bonding over their need for women to be immediately available at all hours. JFK was known to say that he got dazing headaches if he didn’t have enough fornication, while Castro had “at least two women a date for more than four decades — one for lunch and one for supper.” But motley is the spice of life, so he also sometimes “ordered one for breakfast.” This is all according to one of his aides, who must have been surprised when one of his central professions was to examine the coast of Havana for the most wonderful chicks to bring back for El Commandante.

But the real key to determining gravely sex-addicted people is always how many kids they have, because, let’s face it, family planning flunks( and no family planning really flunks ). In Castro’s case the answer seems to be between “at least 10 ” and “we have no fucking idea.” What we do know is that he had three children born to three different fathers in one year alone. No question how many dames he was with, in Communist Cuba everyone was supposed to keep his sluttiness on the DL. Everyone, that is, but Castro himself. He apparently liked to litter his speeches with sexual parodies and innuendos, because everyone knows the females desire that various kinds of thing.


Milton Berle Had An Evian Bottle Between His Legs

Michael Fassbender, Liam Neeson, Willem Dafoe: There are a lot of famously hung people out there in Hollywood, which merely adds to their leading-man appeal. But what if I told you that is in accordance with Tinsel Town gossip, the real prince of the trouser department was this person 😛 TAGEND Weegee/ Arthur Fellig, International Center Of Photography/ Getty Images
No, he’s not disguising it in his lip .

That, my friends, is the comedian Milton Berle, and if you are thinking, “what a waste of an anaconda, ” you are not alone. Betty Grable deplored that Berle was renowned for being so massive, saying, “the bigger they are, the homelier.”

Berle had been introduced to sex as a teen during his vaudeville daytimes, but after his mother detected his condoms( anybody else having high school flashbacks ?) she was the one who delivered attractive wives to his dressing room for him to bone. Eventually he stopped relying on his mama and been sleeping with a huge scope of women, from belly dancers, to a far-famed clergyman, to Marilyn Monroe.

People often underestimated just what a horndog Berle was because of his slapstick numbers. Since he sometimes dressed up as a woman to get inexpensive shrieks, a lot of beings thought he are likely to be gay or a transvestite. This didn’t fus Uncle Miltie, who figured any sort of sex was good sexuality, saying, “To me gay is just another way of life , not better , not worse. Just different.” Despite being particularly open-minded for the time about who was sleeping with whom, Berle was wholly straight himself, sometimes taking advantage of his female garb to sneak into women-only inns so he could sleep together residents.

Bettmann/ Getty Images
Who could refuse this sexy occasion ?

But the fact that he was a “comedian” could be kind of an issue. Guys with big penises can be a bit full of themselves anyway, and when they think they are funny on top of that, it can be a dangerous combining. Once a 24 -year-old woman came over to his eatery table to say hello, and he asked to motorboat her tits, before having her feeling his rooster. I think it’s important to mention at this point that he was doing this sex beset at persons under the age of 83.

Berle’s supposedly foot-long organ is so infamous in Hollywood that when one of his sons wrote a account of his dad, he felt it was important to include the fact that he didn’t inherit the famous dong of myth. Talk about being overshadowed by a parent.


Catherine The Great Had An Actual Sex-Tester

Everyone thinks they know one thing about Russian Empress Catherine The Great: that she was a nymphomaniac who was so difficult to satisfy in the sack, she died while trying to have sex with a mare. In reality, Catherine died in bed( no farm animals or boyfriends present) after losing a non-euphemistic apoplexy. And she wasn’t so much better a nymphomaniac as she was a serial monogamist. Sure, she liked getting her bone on as much as the next party, but she preferred to do it with one person for long periods of era. The lucky person was put up in regal bedrooms near hers and generated everything he could possibly want, like fancy robes and an part. It was a sweet gig to have, even if as she got older Catherine get for younger and younger people, to the point where it went beyond cougar and into sex criminal territory.

Kunsthistorisches Museum
Remember, this is what she looked like after the likenes equivalent of Photoshop .

But you don’t get to be called “The Great” if you were supposed to spend all your time noting your next boyfriend. Once Catherine noticed a new hot person, she would have her doctor check him out to see if he had any STDs, and her closest advisors would find out his politics in order to make sure pillow talk wouldn’t lead to programmes they disagreed with. But then came the large-hearted research. Catherine didn’t want to waste time on someone who was a dud in the sack, so she had one of her ladies-in-waiting, Countess Praskovya Aleksandrovna Bruce, take him for a test drive first.

When you are an all-powerful despot, they are able to hire someone to make sure you never have bad sexuality again. Not everyone guided the test, so when it came to who was having fornication with more parties, the countess “re coming out” on top every time. It wasn’t all bad, though. If the countess had a lot of recreation with a specific person she could call him back for a second or even third “audition.” That is in fact what eventually led to her downfall. But hey, at least she got her own fairlies first.


Jim Morrison Entered One Of His Anthems While Getting A BJ

When you start googling Jim Morrison, eventually you are going to run into a penis tale. Whether it was the time he was arrested after a display in Miami for “lewd and prurient behavior in public by disclosing his private parts and by simulating masturbation and oral copulation” plus two other countings of indecent exposure, or only approximates on the size of his “lizard king.”

But these days the closest you can be to Morrison behaving erotically is through his music. And depending on how large-hearted of a devotee you are, you may have gotten closer than you think. When The Doorway were in the studio working on their album Strange Days , they were having problems with the second largest track, “You’re Lost Little Girl.” The guitarist “ve managed to” nail his part by inhaling some super-strength black hash and playing in the dark, which is exactly what I do when I get stuck on a particularly tough Sudoku riddle. But Morrison involved something more to nail the vocals that were higher and softer than he was used to.

The producer came up with a stupid intuition: Why not hire a prostitute to come in and yield Jim a blowjob while he sang? Someone must have pointed out that it would be crazy to pay somebody to do what millions of beings were willing to do for free, so legend has it that Morrison’s girlfriend Pamela Courson came and gave a … mouth.

Sure, it’s not like hacking with a handgun to your intelligence while get serviced like in Swordfish , but still. Most of “youre supposed to” can’t ask your employer to make sure you have blowjobs at the ready if you find yourself stuck on some difficult project.

Unfortunately, at least one person claims that the fib might not be as refrigerate as advertised. Oh, he’s not claiming Morrison didn’t get a blowjob while laying down a trail, but drummer John Densmore is indicated that in the end they went with a different, and likely far-less-distracted, take.


Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee And Nikki Sixx Had The Grossest Bet Ever

Once you are a far-famed rock-and-roll starring, all the fun proceeds out of making a conquest. Instead of having to go to a table and desperately to continue efforts to pick person up, or swipe right on every photo on Tinder in the hopes one single person will like you back, you basically can’t “re going away” without vanquishing groupies off with a fasten( pun not aimed ). Even if you are the bassist. That’s why you have to hurled some roadblocks in your path to make it a little more interesting.

That’s where Motley Crue’s drummer and aforementioned bassist come in. Apparently sick of having foursomes each night, they made a gambling with each other over who could go longest without bathing, raining, or in any way, and still find a groupie willing to have sex with them and/ or not vomit all over them. Spoiler alert: This has gone down in biography as “The Spaghetti Incident” so if you are squeamish, tap out now.

So Tommy and Nikki did their circumstance up on stage every night, getting sweaty and gross in their trouser regions, then would proceed to have sex with up to four maidens a night, getting even grosser and sweatier down there, and did nothing about it. After even two days of that, most of us would be so disgusted with ourselves that we would give up on the gambling, but the members of the Crue managed to go two months. Two months .

Then eventually one night everything there is came to a honcho, literally.( Severely, one last alert. Go look at puppies or something .) Nikki produced the status of women to his room to get down, and she started passing him a blowjob. Next happen he knew, she used vomiting all over his waste. Since she had eaten pasta earlier in the night, this became known as “The Spaghetti Incident.” Said pasta apparently “became entangled in his pubic hair.” Instead of freaking out and running for the nearest water, Nikki called for Tommy to come check out what had happened, and acknowledged he lost the gamble. And you will never be able to eat pasta again.

Kathy wrote a very funny book announced FUNERALS TO DIE FOR and you can buy it here. Or follow her on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter .

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