12 Annoying Occasions You Should Never Do If You Crave To Be Amy Schumer’s BFF

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This morning, I woke up at 5 am and headed to Union Square’s Barnes& Noble to be first in line for Amy Schumer’s new work, “The Girl withthe Lower Back Tattoo.”

At 9 am on the dot, the doors opened and fans were sided the most sacred article of literature to ever mercy countries around the world. It’s 300+ pages of pure sexuality, basically.

In the candid and humorous page-turner, Amy narrates her funniest fibs, relives hergreatest( and worst) remembers and offers absolutely zero prudence for her readers.

Well, that last part isn’t true-life, but according to Amy, the book has “NO SELF-HELP INFO OR ADVICE.”

LOL Amy. You could tell me to jump out of an aircraft and I’d do it in a heartbeat. I trust you, OK? Your texts are quality more than you know.

Now, which is something we do get from Amy’s book is a listof awful, pestering habits that piss her off.

If you’re a fan of the girl and think you’re her feel swine( or whatever shit you tweet at her on the reg ), then take a seat.

To be on BFF status with -ASchu, you better make sure you NEVER do any of these things.

Below, check out 12 paraphrases from “The Girl withtheLower Back Tattoo” that summarized it up perfectly.

1. Wear your “hairs-breadth” down at the gym.

Unless you’re enveloping ghastly burn marks like that daughter from’ The Craft, ’ draws that shit up in a ponytail.

2. Drive out with your significant other.

Couples working out together are vulgar. You can’t spend one hour apart? Too, the guy indicating the subservient girl how to do everything shapes me retch.

3. Stand too close to her while she’s shopping.

I wish everyone was a football field away at all experiences, but I understand this isn’t possible, so please, just give me six inches. But twelve would be great.( No penis puns here .)

4. Ever say the motto, “I eat to live. I don’t live to eat.”

I wish all ten besets upon your house.

5. Get really drunk.

I love drinking, but I almost never get fucking hammered anymore.

[ That] was fucking crazy for me to say. I do get drunk. But still, you shouldn’t.

6. Don’t look up at the ceiling when you talk.

Unless a bird has flown onto a chandelier above my honcho, look who it is here.

7. Judge her as a sinner.

Fuck you.

8. Talk too loud in public.

I have yelled at strangers. I will say’ shhhhh’ and no person is exempt. I once shushed Vin Diesel.

9. Wear minuscule jean shorts.

Grown females wearing jean shorts that are small enough to be a napkin, because I can’t come close to being able to rock them. I necessary a denim burka at this point.

10. Produce a work to a bar.

Don’t try to be mysterious and fascinating. You are speaking in a bar.

11. Eat “impeccably healthy.”

Fuck you !!!!

12. Act like a prude.

We’ve all had to clean cum off our surface while clearing eye contact with ourselves in the mirror.

Be sure to buy Amy’s brand-new work on stands today!

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